When The World Stops Turning
by bobbieyoung
Summary: Brittany is living the dream. Except it's a nightmare and all she wants is to go back in time and make up for past mistakes.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first Brittana story that I have written in years. I'm so out of shape! But I loved writing for them so much and maybe some of my readers are still out there?

If you are - I hope you enjoy.

bobbieyoung

* * *

 _...When The World Stops Turning..._

She swallows. This is not what she had planned. For them. For herself. This is not what she had in mind when she jumped on that plane two years ago. But here she is - she's got the job she wanted so badly, an apartment to die for and more money than she could spend on things she doesn't need but always thought she had to have.

Her friends are jealous, her parents worried and she's... ok. It would be a lie to say she's happy. But she's ok and sometimes, ok has to be enough.

The fabric between her fingers feels soft. Why do they keep buying the most expensive sheets? They smell heavenly because as usual, they've just been washed. The mattress underneath her is so big. She would have never thought to possess such a huge bed one day but now it's like... nothing special anymore. Everything in her apartment is big. And new... and classy.

She closes her eyes before letting herself fall back into the pillows, her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. With a deep breath she tries to go back to the dream she had last night. It was unique... except that she's been dreaming it over and over again in the past couple of weeks. Why now? Why so often?

What's unique about the dream is the fact that it feels so damn real. Almost as if she keeps going back in time to see how she made the wrong decision. To feel the regret.

The dream is about soft lips, warm hands and the loveliest face she's ever seen. It's about cold winter nights but the two of them sweating under the covers. It's about-

"What are you doing?"

Her breath hitches, her heart starts pounding. She can feel her cheeks getting warm and red. She opens her eyes, then turns her head to the left.

"Brittany? Are you ok?"

Her girlfriend is standing in the bedroom and stares at her confusedly. Her _girlfriend._

"Uhm... yes?" Brittany answers before sitting up. Her head feels dizzy. She puts her hands on her cheeks. They're burning. She hopes that her girlfriend won't notice.

"Are you sure? I've called your name like three times before I came upstairs to see if you're still alive."

Brittany clears her throat. This is so embarrassing. Not really in front of her girlfriend because she doesn't know what's been on Brittany's mind lately. But she's embarrassed because she keeps denying the fact that she wants something else.

She doesn't want to live in this apartment, she doesn't want to live so far away from home, she doesn't want a relationship that's been _so_ annoying and she definitely doesn't want a sex life which is non-existent!

She doesn't want to feel like this anymore. Empty and constantly searching for something she's long lost before and can't get back. There is no way.

"Brittany... I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to snap at you. I just thought we had agreed to do the laundry every Tuesday evening. I know I can be a little bit _fussy_ sometimes... I'm working on it. You know that, right?"

Alana is standing there with her long brown hair in a tight ponytail. Her glasses are pushed up to her forehead, her eyes tired and empty, too. There is a paper in her hand and Brittany knows _exactly_ what's written on it.

 _Fussy..._ Brittany thinks it's funny because Alana isn't fussy. She's a maniac. Tuesday is laundry day because Monday is groceries day and Wednesday is cleaning-the-whole-apartment-day and Thursday is gym day and Friday is the only day they go out to do something fun. And by "fun" she means meeting Alana's parents for barbecue which is everything but fun. It's nerve-wracking.

"Are you trying to get me to sign that paper again? Alana... I told you I need some time to think about it. It's not just a simple decision for me. I can't just _buy_ such a big house with you without knowing for sure that I can afford it."

Alana shakes her head before crossing the room and sitting down next to Brittany. Their knees touch. Brittany jerks.

"I know, Britt. And I told you that you don't have to worry about it. You know I can easily afford it on my own but I want this house to belong to the both of us. I want it to be ours. You only have to pay as much as you feel comfortable with. I'm more than happy to pay for the rest."

Brittany sighs. She appreciates it. She really does. Alana has been nothing but generous. In fact she treats Brittany like a princess. It makes her feel special and desired. No one else has ever wanted to give her that much.

But the thing is - she doesn't want it. How can she sign that paper when she knows exactly that she doesn't truly want to do this?

She bites her lip. This is horrible. She basically watches herself getting deeper and deeper into something that makes her feel like she's suffocating but she can't find the way out.

If she was an honest person, she'd open her mouth now and tell Alana that they don't have a future together. She'd tell her that she cares deeply but she's not in love. She never was.

But she's not an honest person. And so she leans in and presses a kiss to her girlfriend's cheek. She lingers there before raising her hand to Alana's jaw.

"You need one more week to think about it, don't you?" Alana's voice sounds soft in her ear. Brittany nods before getting up from the bed. "Yeah... you always do."

Brittany doesn't answer to that. She wouldn't know what to say.

* * *

It's hours later when Brittany finally feels like she can breathe again. She's sitting at the counter of her favorite bar, her best friend right beside her and a cold beer in her hand.

Quinn has been talking about her new boyfriend for the past thirty minutes and Brittany feels bad for not really listening. Too much is on her mind.

"He just gets me, you know? He knows exactly when to leave me alone and when to hold me tight. It's like he can read my mind sometimes" Quinn says with a dreamy voice.

Brittany turns her head to look at her friend.

"He can read your mind? That's... creepy."

Quinn laughs and pushes Brittany playfully.

"Come on, Britt. You know what I mean, right? I'm sure you and Alana were the same when you got together. How long have you been dating now?"

Brittany takes a sip from her beer.

"A little over a year I guess. And no... I don't remember ever being like you and your new guy. I'm not like that. All romantic and things like that."

Quinn's jaw drops. "Britt! You miss out on so much! I haven't known you for that long but I know when I see desire. And _you..."_ Quinn points her finger right at Brittany's face. "You are definitely desiring _something._ You should talk to your girlfriend about marriage and stuff... I think you'd be good at it."

Brittany almost spills her drink. She coughs repeatedly and tries to play down her panicking.

"Jesus, Britt! I was kidding! I mean sort of... can't you see yourself doing it one day? Getting married? We're twenty-seven... it's about time."

Brittany closes her eyes for a moment before trying to find the right words for an answer. Millions of thoughts in her head but not one she could speak out loud without feeling guilty.

Quinn doesn't really seem to mind (or notice) that Brittany doesn't take part in their conversation much. She keeps fantasizing about the future with her new boyfriend and whether they may or may not get married soon. They order one drink after the other, not caring about time or the consistent increase of alcohol in their blood.

She missed this... hanging out with friends, not worrying about new houses, laundry or potential parents-in-law. Because most of her friends don't live here.

She's known Quinn for about two years. They got to know each other when Brittany came to L.A. to start a wonderful career as a dancer. She loves it. It's everything she's ever wanted to do since she was a young girl. Now that she's living the dream, it's not like she should complain... but... it's now that she realizes that success is one thing. Happiness is something completely different. One keeps you motivated, the other keeps you sane. At least that's what she thinks.

Once Quinn can't stop hiccupping, Brittany accepts that it's time to go home. She pays the bill that is incredibly expensive but she'd rather spend money on drinks with her friend than on ridiculous bed sheets that aren't even comfy to sleep in.

"Hey Britt... I'm not sure but I'm _pretty sure_ that the girl over there has been s-s-taring at you the whole time we've been here" Quinn points across the room and starts giggling. Brittany's sure that Quinn just wants to be funny so she doesn't even look into the direction her friend is is pointing towards.

"Ok, Quinn. Come on, let's get you home."

"I'm serious! She's been constantly throwing glances at you. And she's super hot... look! She's staring again!" Quinn slaps Brittany's arm to get her attention and she's successful.

Annoyed, Brittany turns around to see what Quinn is acting all childish about.

"Oh no! Now she just turned around. But I swear she was staring at you, Britt. Maybe we should wait a minute. I'm sure she'll look again."

Brittany sighs. She's too tired for this. But her friend is persistent and so they stand there and wait. And while they're waiting something in Brittany's head starts turning. She narrows her eyes. Has she seen this woman before? She can only see her left arm and a shoulder from behind. Dark hair and curvy hips. The light in this room is so dim and the alcohol in her blood making her dizzy. But something about this picture feels familiar. Just when she's about to see the woman's face, someone passes by and blocks her view for two seconds. Enough to miss the chance - the woman is gone.

"Well... now I don't see her anymore. Do you wanna leave? Britt?"

Brittany can hear her friend's voice but she's not registering her words. Her senses are highly alert, her heart starting to beat faster than usual. It couldn't be... could it?

She stands up on her tiptoes to see if the woman is still there somewhere. She's probably just imagining things. It would be the coincidence of the century.

But it feels like her heart jumps out of her chest when her eyes find what they've been looking for frantically in the past couple seconds.

Brittany feels like she loses ground. It's impossible but then again it's not. She can see her, all of her and it's hard not to break into tears here and now.

She's standing there, looking as gorgeous as never before, wearing a red dress and holding a clutch in her hand.

Her high heels look dangerous but Brittany knows that it's never been a problem for that woman to walk in such shoes. She'd never wear sneakers. It looks like nothing has changed in two years.

"Brittany? Do you know her?" Quinn asks carefully and puts her hand on Brittany's shoulder.

Brittany swallows. It's when the words leave her mouth that the woman lifts her head and their eyes meet for the first time in what feels like forever. This is crazy. It's that one moment in life where you believe in faith and destiny and complete madness all at the same time. It's the moment you think: This can't _possibly_ be!

Her voice is raspy when she speaks up.

"Yes... that's my..." Brittany can see brown eyes widen when they stare at her from a distance. "That's my _wife_."

For a short moment the world stops turning and Brittany is sure that for the rest of her life, everything has changed.


	2. Chapter 2

_I can't believe how many of you are still out there and took the time to give such positive feedback. It's been YEARS and you're still interested in my writing - thank you so much!_

* * *

Her hands are shaking. They're not trembling a little bit. They're literally shaking. In fact her whole body feels electric but not in a good way. She thinks she's about to pass out. She desperately holds on to the stool she was sitting on before but her legs dare to give in any second. Why did she drink so much? Is this really happening?

"Brittany you're scaring me. Do you want me to get you some water?" Quinn's worried voice sounds far away although she's standing right next to her and having her arm around Brittany's waist to make sure she won't fall. Her body shivers.

"No, no it's ok" Brittany mutters. "Just give me a second. Why is it so warm in here?" She notices how Quinn throws a glance over their shoulders. "Is she coming?" Brittany sounds way too panicked. She wishes she could just disappear.

Can people tell she's freaking out? Does her hair look alright? Can she even form a proper sentence?

"No, she's not coming, ok? Relax, Brittany. You're ok" Quinn talks in a very calm voice. Suddenly she doesn't sound drunk anymore which makes Brittany feel even worse. She takes the glass of water that Quinn hands her. When did she order that? But she can't guide it to her lips. She actually can't. Her fingers won't stop shaking.

"Quinn there is so much I haven't told you about my past" Brittany tries to cover up her current state of pure panic. She throws a quick glance at her friend who just gives her the 'no shit' look. "Do you remember when you were at my place a couple weeks ago? Alana was out with friends and so we watched some movies and cooked dinner?" Quinn nods slowly. "You were cold and so I brought you a sweater. After a while you found a ring in the front pocket of that sweater and I told you it was my-"

"You told me it was your mother's ring and you quickly put it away" Quinn finishes Brittany's sentence with her eyes getting bigger and bigger. "Are you saying that was your wedding ring?"

Brittany gives her a quick nod.

"Now you know... I'm sorry I kept such a huge part of me a secret."

Quinn closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"I mean we all have secrets and that's ok. But I can't believe this. You're married? I mean... obviously the two of you have a lot of history and it's none of my business but... it just sounds crazy because you've _never_ talked about her before and you have a girlfriend."

Brittany shrugs.

"A lot happened and... things change." That's all she manages to say. Finally she can take a sip of water. This is so surreal. This morning she was thinking about her. Now she's here. In the same city, the same bar, at the same time. How can it be?

Quinn clears her throat.

"Ok stay calm but she's coming over. At least I think she is... yeah, she's definitely coming over." Quinn sounds nervous herself which isn't exactly helpful.

"Oh my God" Brittany whispers. She closes her eyes.

"It's ok"

"Oh God..."

"Brittany stop. She's almost here."

Her heart beats heavily once, twice. A shaky breath. Then she can feel her. She can actually feel her standing right behind her.

"Excuse me" That voice. It still sounds the same. Which is logical. Voices don't just change. Brittany knows she can't pretend that she didn't hear. She has to face her. So she turns around after taking a deep breath.

Heat.

Tiny earthquakes in her chest.

Painful memories.

"I thought you looked familiar" The brunette says while her eyes pierce into Brittany's. She's tall in these shoes, Brittany thinks. Almost as tall as herself when she knows that the brunette is actually quite small. Brittany doesn't know what to say. She can tell there is a hint of a smile in the woman's face but she hides it so well.

"I'm sorry" Brittany manages to say eventually. "Santana... "

The brunette lifts her eyebrows. "It's been a while, huh?"

"Yeah... I just spotted you in the crowd." Brittany tries to explain herself. It's a miracle she can talk properly. She has no idea what to say. What are the right words to greet someone you haven't seen in a long time but used to be the most important person in your life?

Santana eyes Quinn who's still standing next to them.

"Oh this is Quinn. My good friend Quinn Fabray and this" Brittany points to Santana. "This is Santana Lopez. We're uh..."

"You go way back" Quinn jumps in with a light laughter and shakes Santana's hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Brittany is so thankful that Quinn is here. It makes her feel like everything's going to be ok.

"Nice to meet you, too" Santana replies with a lovely smile before looking back at Brittany. "I'm in L.A. for... for a work thing. Those are my colleagues over there."

"You have finished law school?" Brittany asks surprised. Santana exhales a quick laugh.

"Yeah... I made it. I work for a small company. It's great. Are you... still in the industry?"

Brittany nods.

"I am. I've got dance rehearsals these days for a big show coming up."

Santana nods impressed.

"That sounds promising."

Brittany feels so much at once. She still can't believe Santana is actually standing in front of her, talking to her. She feels guilty because the way things ended was terrible. She feels nervous as they haven't seen each other in two years and boy... she missed her.

But most of all she feels relieved. She's not sure why though. She knows Santana has been doing well. Of course she checked out the brunette's social media accounts after their break up from time to time (or on a daily basis) and painfully noticed how Santana continued living her life like nothing happened. It's not like she deserved anything else but... it hurt to see that Brittany must have been just another chapter in Santana's life and that chapter ended two years ago.

Well, there's only one person she can blame. Herself.

"I should go back. My colleagues are waiting. But uh... it was nice seeing y-"

"Wait, Santana!" Brittany reaches out to stop Santana from turning around but quickly comes to her senses and pulls her hand back. The move still has an impact on the brunette who stands still, with a questioning look on her face. There is something in her eyes but Brittany can't read it. She can't read her anymore.

"For how long are you staying?" Brittany doesn't know why she's asking the question. She's got no right. They haven't talked to each other in two years, they're not together anymore, they're not even friends, they're just... married. She blew all her chances to keep Santana in her life the day she left her behind and moved to California.

Santana no longer looks at her they way she used to do. She no longer bites her lip when talking to each other. She's standing in front of her like a stranger. There is nothing left of the warmth that she always made Brittany feel by a simple look. With a sting Brittany recognizes something else in Santana's face; she no longer cares.

"One week. I'll uh... I'll make sure to call you before I leave, ok? Have a good night. It was nice meeting you, Quinn."

Quinn mumbles a goodbye, too. Brittany just watches Santana walk away and she knows that there is nothing she can do. No matter how much she'd like to say to her or how much she still cares for that woman, the two of them running into each other after two years means simply nothing anymore.

* * *

She tries to get the key into the lock but keeps missing it. She's way too distracted. And probably still a little drunk. Quinn asked her many questions about Santana once their short conversation was over. But Brittany had still been in shock about everything and so they agreed to talk about it another day. Just one thing Quinn wanted to know before they said goodbye twenty minutes ago.

 _"Why are the two of you still married?"_

The question still wanders around in her head. It's such an obvious question. But Brittany knew no good answer. Of course she's thought about it. She thinks about it every day. Especially when her mother calls every now and then and asks if she's heard from Santana. Or when it's Santana's birthday or when it's New Years Eve and Brittany types a message into her phone but never sends it.

Instead of waiting for an answer, Quinn took Brittany in for a long hug. The truth is, Brittany knows exactly why she never filed for divorce herself. Of course she could have. Especially since Alana has been talking about buying houses and stuff. Brittany should have called Santana and finally talked about the one thing that's been written on the very top of her mental to do list in big red letters.

But she had been the one to ask Santana to marry her. She'd never ask for the opposite.

She doesn't know how she makes it to open the door, get inside and get rid off her clothes without making any noise since Alana has the lightest sleep. She stumbles into the kitchen and there she finds a note on the counter.

 _I'm staying at my sister's house tonight to watch the kids. Her and Ted are celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary._

 _A. xx_

Brittany slaps her palm against her forehead. Alana told her about the anniversary two days ago and asked Brittany to bring home flowers from the nice flower shop right next to the dance studio Brittany's been working at.

"Shit" She mumbles because of course she forgot about the anniversary and the flowers.

Their sixth anniversary...

Next month it'll be her and Santana's second. Well... you can't really call it an anniversary if there is nothing to celebrate. It will pass just like any other day of the week. The funny thing is that they've never celebrated a wedding anniversary. They never made it that far.

It's not funny.

It's tragic.

She sighs and covers her face with her hands. As soon as she does, tears form in her eyes and she can't hold back any longer. She cries silently, trying to hide it although there's no one there to witness.

* * *

Brittany was one hundred percent sure that Santana _wasn't_ going to call. So when her name lit up on the screen of her phone only a day later, Brittany felt a reflex to throw the phone against the nearest wall. She had gotten over the initial shock of seeing her ex at a bar without any warning but she still couldn't deal with the impact it had on her.

She had just stepped outside of the dance studio during a break to get some fresh air and text Alana about their plans for dinner when she felt the phone vibrate in her hand. It was an utterly short conversation. Santana seemed to be in a hurry but wanted to let Brittany know that she was going to be working at a café in the afternoon because she needed a break from her colleagues and that she wouldn't mind some change of company.

Brittany had agreed, of course, but now she regrets it. Because she just arrived at the café Santana had told her about but the brunette is nowhere to be seen. They haven't spoken more than ten sentences after two years of complete silence and she already stands her up. It's ok though... Santana probably still hates her very much.

But it hurts though to get stood up by her.

It's not like they are actual strangers or co-workers or something. They shared a life together at one point. An apartment, a bed, family and friends... everything. It would have been nice of Santana to call Brittany to tell her that she's not going to make it so she could have stayed home. She could have done something useful like cleaning the windows or buying ingredients for dinner with Alana.

"Brittany"

Brittany startles and turns around. Not even twenty-four hours ago she looked into the same dark mysterious eyes but it still overwhelms her.

"I'm sorry, I got held up and my phone is dead. Were you just leaving?" Brittany opens her mouth to answer. Santana looks different. She's wearing black pants, a blazer, her hair straightened and up in a ponytail and - glasses?

"You wear glasses?"

Santana blinks several times, obviously caught off guard.

"Uh... yes?"

Brittany laughs softly. "Sorry... that's new."

Santana reciprocates the smile. It's the first smile Brittany gets and it seems honest.

"Right... I guess that won't be the only new thing though. Do you feel like coffee? I'm dying for a cup."

Brittany nods and follows the brunette to a table next to a big window where they sit down opposite from each other. Brittany watches how Santana gets a laptop out of her bag, as well as some folders, a pen and a phone. Brittany purses her lips when the phone makes a beeping noise. It is _not_ dead. The waiter appears right away and Santana is quick to order a big cappuccino.

Brittany orders the same, still wondering what to think about the "new" Santana. It's so odd. Last time she was still a student. Now she looks so professional and... important.

"Is there something on my face?" Brittany snaps back from her thoughts. Santana caught her staring.

"Yeah... _glasses_. I'm sorry, I'm still processing seeing you like this. Seeing you after two years in general. Honestly it blew my mind to talk to you yesterday." Brittany mumbles.

Yes, she could play cool. She could pretend to be unaffected by their meeting. But she's not cool. She's not cool at all. Santana seems insecure for a short moment and there it is - the lip biting. Her eyes fall to Brittany's fingers that are playing with a napkin.

"I mean yesterday you walk up to me after two years and it was like I greeted somebody I simply used to know. Today you call me and now we're here and-"

The waiter comes back and puts their coffees down on the table. Once he's gone Santana throws a quick glance at Brittany.

"I just don't know what to think." Brittany shrugs. She's desperate at the inside but she doesn't think Santana can tell. She's been longing for this moment for the past months, years. To get the chance to talk to Santana, to apologize. To ask her for forgiveness, to say the things she couldn't say the night they last spoke to each other because they were yelling and crying and too hurt to get things right.

This is the moment she's been waiting for and now that it's here, it feels so wrong. Because Santana has obviously changed and moved on. Well... so has Brittany. Clearly. But Santana... she was the one. She was the one and now she can never tell her that. She can only try to find out how it could get this far.

Santana is still sitting there, her hand on the cup of coffee, staring at the table between them. Seconds pass before she looks up at Brittany. There is something in her eyes that looks familiar. Santana's lips part but then her phone beeps again.

"I'm sorry" Santana mutters after quickly checking her phone.

Brittany shrugs.

"No worries. But uh... I'm not sure what this is to be honest. Do you want me to watch you do your work? Or are we going to talk about-"

"You know what?" Santana interrupts. The insecurity is gone faster than it came. "I guess this was a bad idea and I'm sorry I asked you to come." Brittany has no idea what to do or say. "I don't know what I was thinking". Santana slightly shakes her head. She seems upset.

"Santana I'm glad you called. Do you have any idea for how long I've been wanting to-"

"Please" Santana stops her again. She closes her eyes for a second. Then she starts packing her things together. Brittany can't believe what is happening although she should have known. What was she expecting after two years? Nothing has changed. Santana is quick to pack her bag and puts some money on the table.

Just when she's about to walk away, Brittany does what she didn't do last night. She reaches out to hold her back. Actually she aimed for the slim wrist but somehow it's Santana's hand that lands in her own. It's warm. And thin. No more ring on her finger. At first she's overwhelmed at the contact and she stares at her own thumb touching the soft, tanned skin. She's scared Santana will pull away immediately or slap Brittany's hand away. Instead she can hear the brunette exhale an unsteady breath.

Brittany remembers their first kiss. The two of them lying in bed after watching the most boring movie. Not once did Santana make a move during the film and Brittany wondered if Santana wasn't interested at all. So Brittany had leaned in and tried to kiss her. Santana pushed her away at first, her eyes widening. But then… she pulled her in and Brittany got kissed like she had never been kissed before.

"Can I call you before you leave town?" Brittany whispers.

Santana doesn't answer. She doesn't look down. Instead she squeezes Brittany's fingers so softly that it almost stays unnoticed.

Then she pulls her hand back and Brittany lets her go. For now she'll let her go.

* * *

 _I hope you like this story so far - I love writing for you again. Let me know what you think!_

 _bobbieyoung_


	3. Chapter 3

_Many thanks for your feedback! It's greatly appreciated._

* * *

Quinn wants to know every detail. As soon as Brittany steps into the beauty salon and sits down in one of the chairs in front of a big mirror, her friend starts asking questions.

"You met for coffee and she only stayed for like three minutes? What did you say to her that made her leave so soon?" Quinn is standing behind her, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She's got her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Brittany's jaw drops.

"What did _I_ say? What do you mean what did I say? I didn't say anything! She showed up late and then she acts all busy and _'oh my God I'm so important that I can't even stop staring at my beeping phone for ten seconds'_. I just sat there and watched her acting all cool and too grown-up for this."

Brittany can feel anger rising inside of her just by remembering the weird scenario that happened yesterday.

"But..." Quinn raises her shoulders. "You're telling me that _she_ invited _you_ for coffee and then she just leaves? You must have done _something_ to upset her."

Brittany can't believe the words coming out of her friend's mouth and the fact that she sounds reproachful.

"I can't believe you're taking her side! You're my friend! What the hell?"

They stare at each other before Quinn puts her hands on the backrest of Brittany's chair to spin her around. She looks down at her.

"Brittany... of course I'm your friend. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm definitely not on her side. Maybe it's because I have no idea what happened! Let's start from the beginning. What on earth happened back then that made you two stop talking to each other? How can two married people just... stop?" There is sincere wonderment in her expression.

"I can do your hair in the meantime?" Quinn suggests with a wink of the eye.

Brittany can't stay mad at her friend for a long time. This is how they met when she came to California. They met as hairdresser and customer at Quinn's little beauty salon and immediately got along. It was like love at first sight without the romance. She gets along well with her friends from the dance studio, too but Quinn gets her on a different level. Brittany wonders why she never told her about the fact that she's married.

Maybe because she's too ashamed.

She sighs deeply because where does she begin? She gets up and follows her friend to the basins to wash her hair. It takes a while until she's gathered her thoughts but once Quinn lets warm water run over the back of her head, she relaxes and starts talking.

"When you and I met I think I told you that I had lived with my ex on the east coast before moving to Los Angeles. Well that ex was Santana and we had been together for quite a while. It was... the best relationship I'd had and the first relationship with a woman. It was wonderful... there's nothing to compare."

She looks up to see Quinn smiling down at her, encouraging her to tell more about the past.

"What can I say... we were in love. So in love that I thought about leaving home and going with her to California. She was a law student and got the opportunity of a lifetime to be a part of an exchange program at her favorite university. It had been her biggest dream to go to the west coast but I was skeptical at first. All my friends were at home, my parents... So we talked about a long distance relationship but we couldn't do it. Maybe we were too scared that it wouldn't last, I don't know... so I started looking for jobs and actually flew out there to go to castings. I don't know why I was so lucky but after only a short while I got offered a great job here at the dance studio. I was looking forward to coming here with Santana, we were both very excited."

She stops when Quinn's finished washing her hair. She gets up and walks back to the seat in front of the mirror.

She has never told anyone the whole story. Nobody knows what happened except for the people at home. But it feels good and since there are no other customers around, she can talk freely. She sits down and lets Quinn brush her hair.

"But as you know, my younger sister got very sick." Quinn nods because Brittany has told her about that story. "I couldn't leave and so I made Santana choose. I told her it was ok to go because I wanted her to live the dream but... I guess I didn't _actually_ leave her a choice. I was in a bad place because my sister died shortly after and I needed her."

Brittany bites her lip. She did need Santana. But the guilt almost kills her today.

"Santana stayed and quit her dreams to be with me. She declined the once in a lifetime offer to be by my side and hold my hand during sleepless nights. She gave me so much and I knew I wanted to be with that woman for the rest of my life. So I asked her to marry me."

Quinn glances at her in the reflection of the mirror. Brittany can tell that the blonde is affected and wants to hear more.

"She said yes and we couldn't wait to get married. Today I know that it was rushed. Extremely rushed. I was still coming to terms with my sister's death but knowing that Santana wanted to marry me gave me so much hope and we even planned to travel the world once she'd finish law school. Everything seemed to turn out well but I was lying to myself. After our wedding I realized that nothing had changed. I was going through depression and my loved ones couldn't help me."

She can feel Quinn's hand on her shoulder giving her a gentle squeeze.

"The dance studio kept calling from time to time because apparently they really wanted me there. They offered me an even more important job, better payment and the idea of leaving all those painful memories behind was tempting. And so..." She pauses because she's too ashamed to continue.

"You accepted" Quinn finishes her sentence with a calm voice. Brittany nods slowly. "You didn't try the long distance relationship?" Quinn wants to know.

"No... Santana wanted to try but I didn't. I broke things off. I know it was the most selfish thing to do and today I would do it differently. But I couldn't. At that time I wanted to be selfish. I can't explain to you how I was able to make that step. I couldn't explain it to Santana."

"Britt... you were going through an extremely difficult time-"

"No" Brittany interrupts her friend. "What I did was not acceptable. I left Santana and lived her dream." Brittany's voice gets slightly angrier when she says those words. Finally telling someone what happened makes it ten times worse. Nobody knew her when she came to L.A.. It was easy to pretend like things were ok. Home was far away.

"Don't you understand? I left her after everything she did for me. My way to thank her was to betray her. I couldn't forgive myself and neither could Santana. She never answered my calls and eventually I stopped trying. I was too disgusted at my own behavior and so I moved on. I moved on like a freaking freight train. And so did Santana..."

Quinn has taken the seat next to Brittany while listening to her story. She's sitting there, a hairbrush in one hand and supporting her head with the other. After a minute of silence, she speaks up.

"I don't know about you but I could use a drink."

Brittany smiles weakly. She watches her friend getting up from the chair and disappearing in the backroom where she's got a minibar for emergency situations like this.

"Yeah... me, too."

They must have talked for hours because when Brittany leaves Quinn's salon, it's already dark outside and her hair is dry. She feels relieved. But it only lasts for a short while. Once she checks her phone, she closes her eyes for a moment.

Six missed calls from Alana.

She hurries to get home and doesn't even read the text message she got from Santana a couple minutes ago. One step at a time.

* * *

"Brittany, I'm not mad at you" Alana says and it seems honest.

They're looking into each other's eyes while lying on their sides in bed, both extremely exhausted. The TV is still on but neither of them is watching.

"Of course you're mad. I forgot about dinner. We had guests and I wasn't there. You don't have to be nice to me, Alana." Brittany mumbles.

Alana's eyes roam over Brittany's face, searching for something. She shrugs.

"Maybe... but I'm too tired to fight about it. It was a long day at work. My students are getting on my nerves and my boss is being an asshole. Honestly I just need my girlfriend to hold me."

Brittany swallows. She should have done that as soon as they got into bed and Alana sighed tiredly. She should have asked her girlfriend about how her day went and just simply given her some attention. Instead they have been staring at each other, both not knowing what to say to each other anymore.

"I'm sorry, Al. Come here" Brittany whispers and invites her into open arms.

Once they're both comfortable, Brittany kisses the side of Alana's head.

She loves her. She does. They can laugh together, spend relaxing evenings at home, go to concerts and eat dinner at fancy restaurants. They can talk for hours about politics, celebrities and their jobs. They're good at doing stuff that friends do. But they can't look at each other and enjoy the silence. They can't sit at the breakfast table, holding hands and feeling complete just by doing so.

They can't lie in bed, kissing for hours while hands roam over each other's bodies, not being able to still the desire. They don't do that. They do sleep with each other. But it could never compare to...

"Goodnight" Alana whispers while squeezing Brittany's arm.

Brittany closes her eyes. Nothing feels right anymore. "Goodnight" She replies eventually.

She listens to her girlfriend's breathing, how it quickly evens out. Brittany knows that it only takes about two minutes for Alana to fall fast asleep and turn back to her side of the bed. Once she does, Brittany remembers that she still has an unread message on her phone. So she grabs it from the nightstand and unlocks the screen, careful not to make too many noises. She squeezes her eyes together when she opens Santana's text message.

 _I'm sorry about yesterday._

That's all it says. At first she wants to put the phone away because she has no idea what to answer. But then her fingers start typing automatically.

 _Don't be. I'm the one who owes you an apology. But it was still good to see you after all this time._

She holds the phone to her chest once the message is sent and wonders if Santana is already asleep. When they were together she used to stay up late all the time and watched shows on TV or read books or did homework in bed. It didn't bother Brittany. It actually made her feel safe.

It only takes a couple of minutes for Santana to reply.

 _It was good to see you, too._

Brittany rolls her eyes. Santana has never been one to write long messages.

 _I'd like to show you what I've been doing here for the past two years. Do you have time to come by the studio tomorrow?_

Brittany isn't sure if she's taking it too far. Santana probably doesn't want to see what she's been doing here without her. Maybe she doesn't want to see her at all. Maybe Santana will fly back home without saying goodbye and it'll be like they never met.

 _Sure. When and where?_

Brittany can't deny that she gets nervous as soon as she reads Santana's response. She quickly texts the address and time before putting the phone back on her nightstand. With a weird feeling in her chest, she pulls the covers up to her chin and closes her eyes.

* * *

The hours at work won't pass. She feels like every time she checks her phone, the time runs even backwards.

"Why so nervous today, Pierce? Your girlfriend coming to pick you up today? When are we going to meet her, huh?" Her colleagues make fun of her but they have no idea.

She laughs it off.

It's not her girlfriend who's coming. But apparently people can tell she's expecting someone special. She can feel her cheeks getting warm because she just caught herself in the act. Santana is still special to her. Of course she is. They were together at one point and you will always care about you first real love, right? But if she's being completely honest to herself, she knows that Santana is more than that. She will always be more.

When it's finally five o'clock and her dance colleagues jump off the stage where they rehearsed for a show today, Brittany grabs a towel to cover her face in it. She's all sweaty and regrets telling Santana to show up so early. She should have taken a shower before meeting her ex. It's only appropriate.

She thinks about running to the locker room to jump in the shower real quick but before she can even check her phone to see if there's enough time, she can hear steps coming towards her.

It's a nice surprise to see Santana wearing a casual look. Blue jeans, a white t-shirt and of course very nice high heels. Her hair is wavy and open, a bag hanging over her shoulder. She's not wearing the glasses today. Instead there's a shy smile on her face. She walks between the rows where the audience usually sits, her head turning left and right to make out the size of the hall.

"Wow" She says when she reaches the stage and Brittany can hear that she's honestly impressed just by saying that one word.

"You found it" Brittany greets the brunette who stands still in front of the stage and looks up to Brittany. Santana laughs.

"It's hard to overlook! When you asked me to come to the 'studio' I wasn't exactly expecting _this_!" Santana uses her fingers to make the quote signs. "I had no idea you do shows in such huge places! How many people fit in here, huh?"

Brittany can't deny the fact that it feels nice to see Santana impressed. But at the same time it feels off. Santana has no idea about her life. It's not that much time that passed but so much has changed. It hurts to accept that Santana doesn't know her anymore.

Just like Brittany has no idea about Santana's life. Is she dating someone, too? How is her family? Is she still friends with Tina and Rachel? Brittany misses them. They used to be very close, too but of course they stood by Santana. She can't blame them.

"Quite a few, I guess" Brittany answers the question. "It is a big show coming up and I kind of have the lead in it. I helped developing the choreographies and if it turns out to be a success, I might get to do the next show by myself."

Santana's eyes widen.

"That sounds amazing. I'm happy for you." Her expression is warm and soft. There's not much left of the stressed version she met at the café the other day. "I have to say I'm a little jealous. I was in Glee club at high school and I loved performing on stages. I was pretty good." Santana says with a wink of the eye.

Brittany wonders why Santana seems to be in such a good mood.

"You can come up here" She suggests and points to the steps on the left side of the stage. Santana gives her a funny look before making the few steps and climbs the stairs. She crosses her arms once she's standing near Brittany. Her eyes wander around with her head shaking slightly.

"You really made it" She mumbles. Brittany nods. She did make it. But sometimes she wishes things were different.

"Santana... I know you're leaving in a couple days and just needed to see you again to tell you that there hasn't been a day in the past two years where I didn't think of what happened."

Brittany forces herself to look into the brunette's face and it takes all of her willpower to do so. It seems like Santana's eyes darken. Her smile fades.

"I disappointed you in every way possible. I... I couldn't blame you for hating me forever."

Brittany raises her hands but drops them again. She doesn't know what to say. There are no words to explain or to make up or to tell Santana how much she still means to her.

Santana bites her lip with her arms still crossed in front of her chest. Brittany almost expects her to get mad or to drop a snarky comment. Instead she just shakes her head. It breaks Brittany's heart to see the hurt so clearly in Santana's face. It's like not a day passed since they broke up on that evening. Santana looked at her the exact same way.

Brittany watches Santana making a few steps on the big stage until she's standing in the middle of it. She's got her back towards Brittany so it's hard to tell what is going through her ex's mind.

"I never thought I'd get over you, you know?" She finally starts talking. Brittany holds her breath. "You broke my heart into a million pieces, Britt."

Brittany swallows thickly. That's not exactly what she wanted to hear but she has to face it.

"I know"

Santana turns around with a confused look on her face.

"You know?" She asks evenly. "You have no idea. You have no idea what I was going through while you were here enjoying your fabulous new life without me." The bitterness from two days ago returns to her voice.

Brittany crosses her arms as well.

"Well... you're right - I have no idea. Because you know why? You never answered my calls and I still follow your social media accounts. It never seemed like you were having a rough time. All you did was post pictures of yourself with your friends and how you're having the best time at barbecues or at the beach and how fucking happy you looked in a picture with some random guy I have never seen before. What a coincidence that you posted it on my last birthday. Is he your boyfriend or what?"

Brittany wants to slap herself across the face. Why can't she just shut up?

Santana seems to be having the same thoughts. Her lips part and she's got a look on her face. Brittany can't decide whether it's incredulous or malicious.

"Ok" That's all Santana says at first. Then she starts walking towards the edge of the stage. "I have no idea where to begin - there are so many things on my mind that I want to say to you." Her voice stays calm but Brittany can tell it's not easy for her. "Of course I posted pictures of me and my friends. They made me feel good after you left! They did everything to keep me busy so I wouldn't stay at home, crying my eyes out all the time. The guy was definitely not my boyfriend but why would you even care? You didn't waste any time finding someone new."

Brittany purses her lips. She had kind of hoped that Santana hadn't been stalking her on the internet. But Alana posts so many pictures of them together, it was stupid to think that Santana didn't know.

"I mean whatever - you obviously needed it. I couldn't even take it seriously. You jumped into another relationship so quickly, it made me pity you." Santana laughs. "And I'm sorry but she's ugly. Yeah, I said it. She's ugly-"

"Santana you're crossing the line"

"Oh really? Well guess what, I couldn't care less-"

"No, you're about to fall off the stage. Can you please come back behind the safety line?"

Santana stares at her dumbfounded for a few seconds. Then she looks down at the floor only to see that she's standing dangerously close to the edge of the stage. She clears her throat before making a few steps back into Brittany's direction. There is a reddish shade forming on her cheeks. Brittany doesn't know whether to feel good or guilty about it.

"Well... maybe we should stop here" Santana mutters, her voice sounding very small suddenly. "We're acting like toddlers."

Brittany scratches her forehead, trying to suppress a grin.

"Yeah, you're right. Do you feel like coffee? I mean you kind of owe me one after what happened last time." Brittany watches Santana carefully. "Runaway bride..."

Santana presses her lips together. There is a moment between them that both wouldn't be able to deny. Santana's eyes smile when her lips can't. Brittany wants it to last forever. Then she shrugs casually.

"Whatever" Santana mumbles unaffected and crosses the stage to descend the stairs. Brittany isn't sure what to do. Or maybe she's just paralyzed for a moment. Santana looks incredibly good today. "Are you coming?"

Brown eyes give her an annoyed look. Quickly Brittany grabs her things together and follows the brunette. She's got a feeling that that it's going to be a long night.

* * *

 _Always happy to read your thoughts about the chapter!_

 _bobbieyoung_


	4. Chapter 4

For a few minutes it felt like the past never happened. They went to grab a cup of coffee and sat down on a bench in a small park near the dance studio. They talked about Santana's work and how her boss is thinking about promoting her. They also talked about Brittany's show. Santana said she would love to see it because it's been a while since she last saw Brittany dance.

They just sat there, both sipping coffee and watching people passing by. They couldn't help but laugh when they watched a toddler falling on his face and how he only started crying as soon as his mommy was watching. It felt nice to sit next to Santana. This is what they used to do very often on a Sunday or when they both had a morning off.

Only when Santana asked about Alana, Brittany started to feel uncomfortable.

"How serious is it with you two?" Santana had asked carefully, hiding behind her cup of coffee, pretending to see something very interesting. Brittany sighed. How weird is it to talk to your ex about your new partner? Especially when your new relationship isn't so great?

She said a few meaningless things like Alana being a great teacher or how they spent a weekend at the beach with Alana's nephews. Santana smiled when their glances met. But it was a sad smile and it broke Brittany's heart. There was no way she could undo things. They could never go back to who they used to be together. Never.

"I still have your grandmother's engagement ring, you know", Santana mumbled after a while of silence. "I'm sure you want it back to... use."

Brittany closed her eyes.

"That's not fair, Santana" She looked into the brunette's face only to see her chin trembling slightly. She wanted to scream. And hold her tight. "I feel so awful when you say that", Brittany whispered suddenly close to tears, too. But she decided to swallow them down.

"Yeah well... you kind of deserve it" Santana answered with a tiny voice. The light feeling from before was gone and they both just sat there, heartbroken and so guilty.

"I know it's not in my place but" Brittany started after a while. "Are _you_ seeing someone new? Are you-"

She got interrupted because of course Santana's phone started ringing in the middle of the question she wanted to ask so badly. Maybe it was for the best. Santana didn't owe her any kind of answer and Brittany was scared of it anyways.

Santana gave Brittany another look before answering her phone. It was a short conversation but Brittany could tell that Santana had to leave.

"That was my boss. We're meeting a potential partner for drinks later but uh... on Saturday I'm having dinner with Tina. She's actually here, too for the weekend because she met a guy online and they're trying to find out whether it could be something serious. I know you haven't seen each other in forever and it'll be my last night so... do you want to join us? You could bring your friend Quinn or... Alana. But I'm sure Tina would love to see you."

Brittany was speechless. She had indeed not seen Tina in a long time. She was one of Santana's college friends and they always got along very well, too. It overwhelmed her to get an invitation. So of course she agreed.

After that Santana got up from the bench and looked down at Brittany.

"I'll let you know which restaurant, ok?" Brittany simply nodded and got irritated when Santana kept staring at her. "You uh... you've something in your hair"

Quickly Brittany reached up to her head to find what Santana was looking at.

"Is it a spider?" She asked with disgust. Santana laughed and watched Brittany acting clumsy.

"No it's not a spider... You know I wouldn't be so calm if there was a spider on your head." She made a step forward and reached out. Brittany watched wordlessly.

It was such a simple gesture. Someone pulls something from your hair because you can't see it yourself.

But having Santana basically standing between her legs made her dizzy. She felt her skin tickle when careful fingers pulled a leaf from her hair.

"I could never forget how you pulled that piece of broken glass from my hand after I broke that vase your mother gave us." Brittany mumbles. "You were so patient and there was _so_ much blood."

Santana chuckled before making a step back.

"That's why we had to go to the emergency room after."

Brittany nodded with a smile. "But they said you actually did a good job".

They laughed at the memory of that afternoon before Santana took her bag and gave Brittany an awkward nod.

"See you soon, ok?" She asked.

Brittany raised her hand to wave goodbye. "Yeah... see you soon."

* * *

So when Alana asks Brittany about her plans for the weekend hours later, she can't help but think back to the afternoon she spent with Santana.

"Because my parents want to know if we'd join them for dinner on Friday since we couldn't go last week oh and on Saturday I thought we could go see that new movie with the actress you like so much. What's her name again? I already asked Carla and Eric if they want to come, too and they would love to."

Brittany puts down the glass of water she's been holding in her hands for the past minutes. She looks across the table to see Alana reading the paper while eating dinner. She always does everything at the same time. It drives Brittany insane.

"You already made plans with who?" Brittany asks with a calm voice. It's not worth it to get upset. She'd have to get upset every single day.

Alana keeps reading while her fork goes back and forth between the plate and her mouth. She didn't hear her.

"Alana"

Finally Alana looks up and narrows her eyes.

"Didn't I tell you about Carla? She's a history teacher at school and she keeps asking about you. I think she wants to start some sort of couple-date thing. At first I thought that it's a silly idea but then I was like why not, right? She's really nice and I think her husband Eric is a fitness instructor. I'm sure the two of you have a lot in common."

Brittany closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She's annoyed. She doesn't want to be and she doesn't have the energy but she's so annoyed.

"But... what if I already have plans?" She asks finally.

Alana stares as if Brittany asked her to lick the table clean or something.

"What plans? We always have dinner with my parents on Friday." She says with a voice that Brittany can't stand. She doesn't know why she feels that way right now.

"I mean on Saturday. I already have plans on Saturday. It would be nice if you asked me _before_ you arrange a double date with your teacher colleague. And I'm sorry but that sounds stupid!"

Alana's jaw drops.

"Is this still about the house?" She wants to know. Brittany shakes her head in disbelief.

"What? Why? What does making plans have to do with buying a stupid house we can't afford?"

"Oh so everything is stupid now!"

They're staring at each other, both not knowing what to say. Eventually Alana gets up from the table and starts collecting the plates and cutlery. Brittany can tell she's fuming inside but so is she. It was only a matter of time when this would happen. It's not like they never disagree on things. But when they do, they usually stop talking at all before one of them gets loud.

"What are those plans and when were you going to tell me?" Alana wants to know on her way to the kitchen.

Brittany gets up as well to follow her girlfriend. She watches how the brunette tosses the dishes into the sink.

"I don't think I have to tell you about all my plans in advance" Brittany tries to explain. "But I was going to tell you that I'm having dinner with some friends from back home."

Alana turns around with her arms crossed. She leans against the kitchen counter. Her expression becomes a little softer than before.

"Oh" She says simply. "Ok... that's nice I guess. I just..."

Brittany can see the insecurity growing in Alana's face.

"Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about you, Brittany" Alana continues. "I've never met anyone of your family and that's ok because you told me about what happened to your sister so I didn't want to pressure you. But I also haven't met your friends because they live far away. I love Quinn, don't get me wrong. But I have no idea who you used to be before we met. I just wish you had asked me to join you so I could meet your friends."

Alana shrugs. It's really simple. Brittany knows that Alana is right. She should have asked Alana to accompany her to the dinner. But it's not possible.

"I uh... I'm sorry. I didn't ask you because... because..."

"Yes?" Alana looks at her completely lost.

"Because it's Santana, ok? She's here for a few days and so she asked me to come to dinner because another friend I haven't seen in a long time will be there, too and I guess she thought it would be nice. I don't know."

Brittany can tell that her girlfriend is confused.

"Wait... you mean your ex-girlfriend? The one you dated before you came to L.A.?"

Brittany nods. Which makes her a liar.

"Well that's... surprising, I guess. But you know what... forget that I hoped you'd ask me to come with you. I need some fresh air."

Alana doesn't look Brittany in the eyes before leaving the kitchen and when Brittany calls after her girlfriend, she doesn't come back.

For the first time since Brittany moved in they don't sleep in the same bed that night.

They also don't talk the next day so when Brittany receives a text message during rehearsals, she doesn't know whether to feel relieved or worried about it.

 _Dinner with my parents is cancelled tonight. I'm staying with my sister for the weekend, she needs help with the kids. Can we talk on Sunday?_

Brittany types a quick answer. She knows that things aren't going well. She knows that Alana is unhappy, too and they just never talk about it. But how do they go from there? There is a reason why they're still together and why they made it this far. Maybe they just need to start over. Talk about everything and try new things?

She owes it to Alana. After everything she did for Brittany... She has to listen to what Alana wants to talk about on Sunday and figure out if there is a chance or not.

* * *

It was easy to pretend that Santana's appearance has nothing to do with Brittany's current state of confusion about her relationship. But now that she's sitting in front of her at the dinner table, she can only stare down at her plate and think that it was a bad idea to agree to come here.

They've reached dessert and actually things are going well. Really well... Quinn and Santana have discovered that they both love the same TV show and they've been talking non-stop about the upcoming season finale and who they think will turn out to be the super villain of the story. Quinn's boyfriend Josh and Tina's new love interest are talking about sports or something and for Brittany it's been great to keep up with Tina. At first she was worried that it was going to be weird between them. But it looks like Tina has put the past aside and missed talking to Brittany, too. She keeps asking questions about Brittany's job which is nice but it's hard to stay focused.

Santana doesn't have her phone on the table. She's completely here. It's her last night in L.A. and it looks like she's having a great time. She laughs at something Quinn says while her eyes meet Brittany's. For about the seventeenth time since they got their desserts.

Suddenly she feels a painful kick against her shin under the table. With a glare she tries to get Santana's attention because what the hell? But when the brunette takes a clueless sip of her coffee, Brittany realizes that it wasn't Santana who kicked her.

Quinn who's sitting right next to Santana, stares at her, narrowing her eyes. Brittany feels busted. She must have been caught staring at her ex. She clears her throat and tries to focus on the dessert.

"Brittany?"

She looks to her right to see that Tina is giving her a funny look.

"What?"

"The waitress asked if you want some more wine" Tina explains to her. Brittany's embarrassed.

"Oh... no thanks. Sorry..." She mumbles and watches the waitress pouring Santana's glass instead.

She can feel a headache coming her way. She should definitely drink more water. Or get some fresh air. Her cheeks are indeed glowing when she puts her face in her hands for a second.

"Everything ok?" Santana wants to know. There is honest concern in her eyes when Brittany looks up to meet her glance.

No... nothing's ok...

"Oh yeah! No worries. I just need to go to the bathroom real quick. I'll be right back." She excuses herself before getting up from the table.

She can feel Quinn's scrutinizing look everywhere, as well as dark eyes following her steps to the bathroom.

It was definitely a bad idea to come here.

* * *

The fresh air breathes some life back into her as soon as she steps out of the restaurant after returning from the bathroom. She's not quite ready to sit back down at that table. What was she thinking? Of course it's nice to see Tina again and spending an evening with friends. But everything feels so heavy. Tomorrow Santana and Tina will fly back home. Tomorrow she'll have to face the problems in her relationship with Alana.

How could she let things get this far? Not just about this dinner... but everything? Everything could be so different. Or not?

"I thought you quit"

Brittany startles. Why does she keep doing that?

She turns around to find Santana standing next to the restaurants entrance, holding a cigarette between her fingers. Brittany wants to smile but Santana expression remains stoic.

"I did" Brittany replies. "Looks like you didn't"

Santana shrugs before taking a drag. When the smoke escapes between her lips she gives Brittany a look.

"Of course I quit... But I always keep an emergency cigarette in my purse" The brunette says.

Brittany suppresses a grin. "Sure you do... so what's the emergency? Needed a break from Quinn? I guess she can be a little persistent about her theories for that TV show."

Santana shakes her head.

"Quinn is great. I like her. I'm glad you made friends over here, Britt."

Brittany isn't sure if Santana sounds convinced or not.

"Yeah... Quinn is a really good friend. But I do miss the people at home. It's... not the same." Brittany mumbles while getting lost in Santana's eyes.

"It's not like we pushed you away, you know." Santana replies after a while.

Brittany can tell there is still regret in Santana's voice. "But uh... I've been thinking about you a lot since I've been here and that night at the bar. I guess sometimes we just need to look forward, right? It would be a waste of time to wonder what could have been and all the _what ifs..._ you're here with your girlfriend and I have... my job at home."

Brittany can't stop her heart from beating faster or make the weird feeling inside her stomach to go away. All she can see is Santana holding out the cigarette for her to take. So she takes it.

 _Yes, they're fingers touch._

 _Yes, she swallows painfully._

Why can't she turn back time... why can't she speak what's on her mind.

Instead Brittany guides the cigarette to her lips.

 _No, she doesn't feel Santana's lips on it._

 _No, she didn't just think that._

"I hated you... I really did."

Brittany isn't surprised. She's not even hurt. It just comes out of nowhere. And it does hurt a little bit.

"I mean, I loved you" Santana continues.

The rollercoaster in Brittany's stomach goes up to her head.

"But then I hated you. And then I missed you..." Brittany can tell that Santana's had maybe one glass of wine too many. But she doesn't want her to stop telling those things.

"Trust me, I hated myself, too" She tries to agree with Santana.

"Yeah but... I mean after you left I did try to meet new people" Santana talks like talking about the weather. Casually putting facts our there. "Tina set me up for this blind date with a girl and it was nice, you know? She was really cute. But it felt sooo weird. When she kissed me goodbye, I was like whoa! My lips aren't meant for you, lady!" She gestures wildly with her hands. "My lips were always reserved for you" Santana points at Brittany. "But then I realized that you weren't coming back. At one point I stopped wanting for you to come back and fight for me. But I could still never forget your lips... they were... incredible."

The rollercoaster goes back down to her stomach. Or lower... Quickly Brittany takes another drag of the cigarette, not caring about the fact that she's reached the filter piece of it.

"I'm being way too honest, huh?" Santana mumbles after a while.

As always, Brittany doesn't know what to say. She just looks at Santana.

"God, Brittany! Say something... I have forgiven you, ok? You can talk to me, you know. I won't bite..."

But Brittany's never been too good with words. Whenever she did something to upset Santana in the past and her apologies didn't go so well, she'd put on some music later at night and dance for her love. Santana could never stay mad at her for long. But those were small things that every couple deals with from time to time. No dance could make up for what she did two years ago.

Santana definitely hasn't forgiven her.

"Maybe we should go back inside?" Brittany suggests. That's all she has to offer. And it's for the best. Santana laughs. Then she nods before turning around and making her way back inside. Brittany throws away the cigarette before following wordlessly.

* * *

They stay for another hour and they're all having a good time. Santana keeps throwing looks but for the most part she talks to Quinn. Once they've paid the bill, Tina and her guy get up from the table to start saying goodbye. Quinn and Josh also whisper something into each other's ear and before she knows it, they're all standing in front of the restaurant and hugging each other until it's only Brittany and Santana left.

"Call me if you need me, ok?" Quinn yells over her shoulder before disappearing behind a corner.

"Wow... that went fast", Santana comments. "But I'm happy for them. Tina looks really happy and Quinn and her boyfriend seem to be a good match, too right?"

Brittany shrugs.

"Yeah, I guess so" They just stand there, both with their hands in their pockets, not knowing what to do next.

"Do you want me to walk you home? Or to your hotel?" Brittany suggests after another moment of silence. Santana seems to contemplate.

"Yeah I guess I should go back and pack my stuff. My flight leaves early in the morning. But you don't have to walk me home. I'm a big girl." Santana says with a soft smile.

Brittany reciprocates the gesture, wondering how to say goodbye. Would a hug be appropriate? They're probably not going to see each other after that. The thought of it weighs heavy. The past couple days have been good. Just because Santana was in them. But of course the moment was going to come where they'd have to say goodbye again.

"Unless" Santana picks up again. "I mean it's my last night here in L.A. and..."

"Yes?"

"I mean there was no time to go out because of all the work but Quinn said that there are some nice bars around here" Santana says suggestively.

Brittany narrows her eyes.

"Is this a good idea?" She wants to know. Technically she's implying that it's indeed not a good idea to go out together. But Santana doesn't seem to think the same thing.

"Of course! You've been living here for two years! You know exactly where we can get some good cocktails, right? I mean... only if you want."

Brittany wonders. She wants to... she really does. But-

"You know what, I'll give you some time to think about it. I'll just start walking into that direction" She points to the left "I'm sure I'll find something there. And if you feel like joining me, you just do, ok? And if not..." Santana gives Brittany another shy smile. "Then it was nice seeing you again, Britt."

And with that she turns around. Brittany's caught off guard. Is that it? That's their goodbye? What if it takes another two years for them to run into each other? Or maybe they won't meet again? Maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Maybe it'll be enough.

Brittany makes a few steps into the opposite direction, hesitant.

She throws a look over her shoulder.

It's not enough.

"Santana wait!"

With a grin she starts running.

* * *

They dance... they drink... they laugh. They found a great club and it's like old times. It feels so damn good. Brittany knows that it's not the same anymore. But for a while it feels ok to pretend. Tomorrow they will both go back to their own lives.

Brittany will talk to Alana and who knows... maybe they will decide to stay together. Maybe even buy that house. Maybe they will be fine. Maybe they won't. But it's ok.

Because Santana will go back home and do what's best. Live her own life. She'll meet someone eventually and she'll definitely get married again and holy crap she's going to be an awesome Mom.

She's gonna travel the world first and see all the things she once wanted to explore with Brittany. She really wants Santana to be happy. With all her heart.

It just aches in her chest, knowing that Brittany won't be part of it.

"Hey there" A voice draws Brittany back from her thoughts. A man is standing next to her, leaning against the bar. "Can I buy you a drink? You look a little lonely."

Brittany wants to roll her eyes. Not because someone's trying to talk to her. He's probably a nice guy. But she's definitely not in the mood for this.

"Thanks but I'm waiting for my... friend to come back from the bathroom. We were just leaving." Brittany says and smiles at the guy who makes a disappointed face.

"Aw that's too bad" He says just before Santana appears next to Brittany.

"Hey" She says while eying the guy. "Everything ok?"

Brittany nods.

"Please tell your friend to have a drink with me" The guy begs Santana. "I mean have you seen how she pretty she is? I would love to buy her a drink but she says you guys are leaving."

Santana raises her eyebrows. There's a funny look on her face.

"Oh we're leaving?" She asks with a grin. "Right, that's what we said. Yes we're leaving. Sorry!"

She makes a few steps and Brittany's ready to follow her when she feels a hand wrapping around her wrist.

"I mean you don't have to leave just because your friend says so. Come on... I swear I'm a nice guy."

Brittany's not even surprised. She had a feeling that he wasn't going to let them go that easily.

"I'm sure you are" Brittany says with a wink. "But I'm not interested." She tries to free her hand. Unsuccessfully.

"How can you know? We've only just met-"

"Hey nice guy" It's Santana. Brittany watches how she places her hand on top of the guy's hand, which is still around Brittany's wrist. "Why don't you get the hint?"

That's all she says. Her face is sweet, her words calm but her eyes... her eyes are fiery. Santana and they guy wordlessly exchange looks until he lets go of Brittany. He walks away.

"Come on, Britt" Santana says and takes Brittany's hand into her own. They make their way through the crowd. People are dancing, some make out... others just stand there watching others.

The music's heavy beat vibrates in Brittany's chest but what feels even more intense are the warm fingers wrapped around her own. Once they've reached the exit of the club, Santana stands still and turns around. She lets go of Brittany's hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure you could have taken care of it yourself but uh..." She tries to explain what just happened.

Brittany shakes her head.

"Nothing to be sorry for" She reassures Santana.

They're standing in front of each other, either embarrassed or bashful for different reasons. Or maybe the same...

"Look, if you really want to leave we can totally go. It's getting late anyways" Santana suggests with a light voice, her eyes telling a whole other story. Brittany scratches her forehead. She's torn.

"Or we can stay for one more song" The brunette throws in to make Brittany's decision easier. Brittany can't help but laugh.

"Sure... one more song sounds really good."

Santana's face lights up.

It's never _one_ more song and they know it.

So when they turn around with excitement, Brittany is in no way prepared to what she gets to see in the middle of the dance floor. She stands still, staring. She can't believe her eyes.

There's Alana.

She's definitely not staying with her sister for the weekend. She's kissing another woman.

"What's wrong?" Santana asks coming to a halt next to Brittany. She must follow her line of sight because she exhales a surprised "Oh" only seconds later. "I've only seen her on pictures but is that-"

"Yes" Brittany says simply.

For the second time in a week she sees something that makes her lose ground. The world doesn't stop this time, there's no time to process. All she can do is watch speechlessly.

"What do you want to do?" Santana asks carefully.

Brittany has no idea.

"Can we just... go?"

Santana nods and guides Brittany out of the club. Once they're standing outside, cold air hits their faces, which brings Brittany back to reality.

"I'm so sorry Santana but this is... fucked up" She mumbles with her hands cupping her cheeks. She has no idea where she's going but she puts one foot after the other. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Why does Alana want to buy a house with her when she's obviously with someone else? Is this what she wants to talk about on Sunday? Her thoughts are racing.

"Brittany!" Santana grabs her arm, yanking her back forcefully. "Oh my God you almost just walked in front of that car!"

Brittany realizes that she gets pulled back from the street. She was about to pass the crosswalk without even looking at the traffic lights.

"Please" Santana says breathlessly. Her arm wraps around Brittany's waist. "Let me take you to the hotel or I can get you home. Anything you want. Just don't get yourself killed, ok? I still need you..."

Brittany's feels dizzy from what she saw inside the club and everything that happened tonight. So many thoughts on her mind.

 _I still need you..._

She shakes her head, trying not to cry.

 _I still need you..._

* * *

 _Thank you for reading!_

 _bobbieyoung_


	5. Chapter 5

Her head feels like it's wrapped in cotton. She listens to Quinn arguing animatedly about how she cannot believe that Alana is apparently having an affair. After Brittany and Santana had made their way to Santana's hotel and an emergency call to Quinn, they are now sitting on the balcony, all three of them a cigarette and a drink from the minibar in their hands.

"It's four in the morning" Brittany mumbles after being silent for a while. "Alana probably wonders where I am. Should I text her?"

Quinn makes a grunting noise. "You think she wonders where you are? While she's having sex with someone else?" She asks breathlessly.

"Quinn..." Santana tries to interfere.

"I'm serious! Why do you feel guilty now, Brittany?"

Brittany shrugs. She doesn't know what to feel. All she knows is that once again everything is falling apart.

"If you're asking me" Santana begins hesitant. "You should confront her in the morning. I don't think you'll get far if you talk to her now. We don't even know who the girl is Alana was making out with. It doesn't have to be an affair. They only way to find out is to talk to her though."

Brittany knows that Santana is right. It's just hard hearing it from her. Everything is so absurd about this situation. The girlfriend she's been living with for quite a while now and who desperately wants to make plans for the future together is cheating on her and the ex Brittany's desperately trying to get over is giving her relationship advice.

"You guys can share the bed if you want" Santana suggests after Quinn yawns extensively. "I'll take the couch. But we have to get up in a few hours because of my flight."

Brittany doesn't want Santana to sleep on the couch, which is actually just a big chair but she finds herself being way too exhausted and still confused to argue about it. So she lets Quinn take her hand to help her get up from the balcony chair. The three of them stumble inside the hotel room.

"Thank you for coming here, Quinn. You're a real good friend" Brittany mutters when they enter the small bathroom to wash their hands. Quinn smiles at her.

"I'm glad you want me to be a part of this, Britt. I think you've become my closest friend in the past two years."

They stand there next to the sink, giving each other warm looks when Santana appears at the door.

"Sorry to interrupt your love confessions but I just wanted to let you know that you can use the hotel tooth brushes. I've got my own. I'll wake you up in the morning, ok?"

Brittany wants to say something. She really does. But her mouth is hanging open, not ready to cooperate. Santana is standing there wearing nothing but black underwear while holding a shirt in front of her body to cover some of it. Brittany can still see the thin straps of a bra over tanned shoulders, a hint of Santana's abs and long, toned legs. Things she hasn't seen in forever. Things she used to stare at whenever Santana got dressed (or undressed) in front of her.

She must still be working out. She must still buy the nicest underwear she can find.

Again, nothing has changed.

"Thank you" Quinn replies finally, her eyes also hanging on Santana's body. Brittany can tell when she throws a quick look at her friend.

"Goodnight, I guess" Santana says with a soft smile before disappearing again. Quinn and Brittany exchange a look.

"You stared" Brittany states before grabbing one of the toothbrushes.

"Shut up" Quinn counters. " _You_ drooled."

They look at each other in the reflection with a grin forming on their faces.

After brushing their teeth, they return to the bedroom where the big bed looks very cozy and inviting. But what also catches Brittany's attention is Santana lying on the small couch on her side with her knees pulled up and just a thin blanket covering her. Her eyes are closed, her chest calmly moving up and down.

Brittany sighs. She has no idea how she deserves this. Being here, Santana caring for her... She walks up to the bed and grabs one of the big blankets. Carefully she then covers Santana up with it. She's tempted to press a kiss to the brunette's forehead or whisper a thank you to her ear. But tonight nothing feels like the right thing to do. She can only hope that one day she'll get the chance to return a favor or make Santana see how much she means to her.

* * *

It is only hours later when Brittany and Santana are standing outside of the hotel, a taxi just arriving next to them. Quinn said goodbye a few minutes ago and left it up to them how to end this get-together. Brittany watches how Santana puts her suitcase into the trunk of the car before telling the driver to wait a minute.

She steps in front of Brittany, her eyes tired and there is something wistful in her expression.

"I guess this is it," she says after clearing her throat. Brittany nods. She doesn't want Santana to leave. But the moment was going to come sooner or later. "Let's make sure that it doesn't take another two years until we see each other again, ok? I mean there are still things we need to discuss, Brittany. I know it's bad timing now that you and Alana have to figure your future but we can't pretend forever. We're still married and we need to talk about when we're gonna..."

Brittany drops her gaze. It's funny how they never talked about it once and now that Santana is about to fly back home, it comes up. Of course they need to talk about it. They have to face the one thing they've both been pushing aside for a long time.

"I know" Brittany says. "I'll be home for Christmas to be with my family. I haven't seen them in quite a while. Is it ok to wait until then? I can also come sooner if you want-"

"No, no... Christmas is fine."

They just stand there looking at each other. It's probably just a few seconds but Brittany remembers so many things all at once. How Brittany's mother took Santana in for a hug when they met for the first time. The shock written over Santana's face when Brittany pulled an engagement ring out of her pocket. The hours they spent texting each other flirty messages before they started dating. The stupid fights after long nights out with too much alcohol or one of them flirting with other people. The reconciling kisses in the early morning hours, promising to never let each other go.

She can see it. Why she fell in love with Santana. Whenever she looks at her, she can still see it.

And when she watches Santana making a step towards her, her hands reaching up to cup Brittany's face, she doesn't stop her. She's not going to miss the one chance to save a little bit more of her. She feels warm lips on the corner of her own. It's a kiss but only almost, hardly touching but enough for Brittany's heart to skip a beat and then start racing. Craving for more but that's all she gets.

She lifts a hand up to wrap her fingers around Santana's wrist. Only when she opens her eyes, she realizes that she had closed them before. Santana's face is still close to hers, shyly looking up at her. She remembers that perfume. It's the one Santana always wore when going out. It still lingers on her skin. Before she knows it, she lets her arms wrap around Santana's middle and takes her in for a close hug. She buries her face in the crook of Santana's neck, absorbing her warmth, her scent and the way her body feels close to hers. She spent countless nights imagining exactly this.

It's perfect until it's over and when the driver starts the engine of the cab, they silently agree that it's time to say goodbye. Santana steps back.

"Take care, ok?" She whispers like it's a secret. Because what just happened feels like one. Then she turns away and gets into the cab.

Brittany tries to catch her eyes once more when the cab starts driving but Santana keeps her head low.

And then... she's gone.

* * *

It's like she walks into a different life when Brittany opens the door to her apartment an hour later. She knows everything so well in here. But it feels like a massive joke when she looks at a photo of her and Alana that is hanging on the wall in the corridor.

Everything is so tidy. God forbid if there was ever something laying on the floor. Alana always promised to change her cleaning habits. But Brittany knows it's not possible. She is who she is. Just like Brittany is who she is. Not everything fits that feels alright.

When she enters the kitchen, she startles because Alana is sitting on the kitchen counter motionless. She looks hung-over. There's a glass of water in her hand and her eyes widen when she sees Brittany.

"Oh my God" She mumbles. Her voice is raspy. It looks like she spent the past hour crying. "Where were you?" She wants to know. She sounds desperate and relieved at the same time.

Brittany shrugs. She lets her bag drop to the floor while leaning against the counter opposite from Alana.

"A hotel" She replies after a while. Alana closes her eyes like she's preparing for the worst.

"With someone else?"

"With Santana" Brittany can tell how Alana starts breathing harder. She can literally feel the lump forming in her throat. "And Quinn"

Alana nods, suddenly fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Brittany, I... I did something horrible" She forces the words to come out of her mouth. "When I arrived at my sister's house she said that the kids just went to bed and that she didn't need my help anymore. On my way back I walked into a group of old friends from college and so I decided to have a few drinks with them."

Brittany knits her eyebrows together in confusion. She doesn't know what to believe but decides to just listen.

"Everything completely got out of hands. We went from bar to bar and finally ended up at a club. I drank way too much and I know it's not an excuse but-" She lets her hand run through her hair. "I started dancing with Kelly and I was still so mad because I knew you were somewhere out there with your ex. I just wanted to forget our fight. We started making out and..." She breaks off because the tears overwhelm her.

Brittany looks down at her own feet. This is way beyond inconvenient. She's angry and sad but at the same time she just feels empty.

"We went back to her place but Brittany I swear nothing happened!" Brittany looks up again to meet Alana's desperate eyes. "I mean she tried and I guess I was close to making a huge mistake - which I already did of course but I stopped, ok? Then I came home and you weren't there!"

She cries bitterly. Brittany doesn't know whether it's the truth or a lie. It seems honest. But people say many things when they fear the worst. There is a reason why she never told Alana about the fact that she's still married. She always thought that one day she would tell her. But she didn't.

"Please... you have to forgive me. Please don't throw everything away because of what I did," Alana begs after a while.

Brittany rubs her eyes. She hasn't slept at all. She just laid in the hotel bed next to Quinn, thinking about everything.

"But why?" Brittany speaks up after a while. "Why do you want to work it out?"

Alana seems to be caught completely off guard.

"Because I love you?" She asks in disbelief.

"Do you really?" Brittany wants to know. "Alana we're not happy!" They stare at each other. "You can't tell me that the relationship we've been having is good for you."

Alana slowly shakes her head with a shrug of her shoulders.

"You're right but we can work it out. Maybe we just need to start over." She mumbles.

Something in her voice nags at Brittany. It's the tiny amount of hope and the way Alana has always been able to hold on to something that was never even real.

"I don't think so" Brittany decides to speak what's on her mind and not let things be unspoken anymore. "We're not living a fulfilled life together and I'm not sure we ever did. We share an apartment and we go out sometimes. We're close to your family... but how can that be enough for the long run? When was the last time we said I love you to each other?"

That catches Alana's attention. She looks up at Brittany with confusion.

"You never say that!" She exclaims. "It's always me who says it first and you just reply the same." She's upset and hurt. Brittany can tell. "Sometimes it feels like I live with a freaking robot!"

The anger only lasts a few seconds before tears continue to run down Alana's face. Brittany can't deny that the last part really gets to her. It's what Santana used to say, too when they only started dating or when Brittany lost her sister. _Don't shut me out, Britt..._ Santana would beg her. And so she let her in. She's the only one who ever saw all of Brittany. Until it all became too much and she shut her out for good.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Alana mumbles after a while. She gives Brittany a gentler look than before. She doesn't seem to expect an answer because she hops down from the counter and makes her way over to Brittany. She reaches out to give Brittany's hand a squeeze.

"Maybe we should talk more later. My headache is killing me. Are you gonna stay for a while? I know you are right, Brittany but I don't want you to leave just like that."

Brittany nods. She can see the recognition in Alana's face. They do need to discuss everything. But not about whether staying together is an option. Right at this moment she has never seen it clearer.

* * *

Quinn's look on her face says everything when she opens the door a few hours later to let Brittany into her apartment. She knows what's to do. She guides Brittany into the living room where she already prepared an environment for a cozy evening in front of the TV. There are so many different snacks on the couch table, candles lit and about ten DVDs ready. There are pillows and blankets on the couch as well as Quinn's cat Quincy.

"Oh my God, how do I deserve you and the offer to sleep on your couch?" Brittany mumbles when she sinks into the many pillows and starts petting the cat right away.

Quinn sits down, too after opening two cans of Coke and handing one to Brittany.

"I meant it when I said that you're my best friend, Brittany. You can stay here as long as you need to find a new place." Brittany smiles thankfully. She definitely owes a lot to Quinn.

For the next few hours she's able to put some sorrows aside. They talk about many things, then they watch a whole movie in silence. Quinn thinks that Alana won't be able to let go that easily but Brittany has a good feeling.

"I know heartache is terrible so I bought all of this for you" Quinn says proudly after a quick visit to the kitchen between two movies. She holds a huge bucket of chocolate ice cream in her hands. "And me," She adds when holding up two spoons with a big grin. Brittany chuckles when her friend reaches her the bucket and eagerly waits for Brittany to open it.

"Well... that's really nice of you. But I have to say that right now I feel rather relieved than heartbroken over Alana and me ending things. You know I've been thinking about it for a while. It hurt when I saw her kissing someone else but maybe that's exactly what we needed to happen for us to wake up, right? She wouldn't have done that if she was happy-"

"Brittany... I'm not talking about Alana." Quinn says gently.

"Oh" Brittany breathes.

"Yeah - _oh..._ you keep staring at your phone all the time and I know you're not waiting for Alana to call or text."

Once again, Quinn can read her like a pro.

"I know you want to know if she had a safe trip home but Brittany you can't just pretend like nothing happened and chase after Santana now" Brittany feels busted like a child in a candy shop about to steal a lollypop. "So what if she texts you? Are you gonna go from there and jump right back into it?" Brittany is speechless. "I'm just saying... so much has happened in the past week. Give yourself some time, ok? And Santana, too."

It makes sense.

"Yeah" Brittany mumbles and puts a big spoon full of ice cream into her mouth. "You're right."

Quinn gives her a pointed look before taking a spoon full, too. Quincy eagerly stares at Brittany's spoon dipping back into the bucket.

"Maybe I should wait like a week before I text her and see-"

"No Brittany! God don't be stupid!"

"Ok, ok! I get it!" Brittany tries to appease her friend. "I won't do anything until Christmas." Quinn doesn't seem convinced. "But if she calls me first I can't just ignore it."

Quinn shakes her head.

"Do whatever you have to do, Britt." She mumbles while patting the Quincy's head. "But as I said… don't be stupid," she ads hardly audible.

Quinn's words still linger once they've turned off the TV and settled in under the blankets. Brittany knows that her friend is right. So when she closes her eyes, she tries not to think back to this morning. But she can't help it.

She feels warm lips on her own and the memory of that sweet perfume scent still fills her nose.

Two months until Christmas...

She's waited two years. So she can wait a little longer.


	6. Chapter 6

She can feel sweat running down her neck, collecting at the small of her back. Her lungs ache but she won't stop. Not now. Everybody is counting on her. She can feel all eyes of the whole crew on her when she runs onto the stage for the big finale of the show.

They've been rehearsing nonstop and they are still not where they should be. She can't believe that the premiere will already be in a week. Right now she can't see it happening. She's been coughing her lungs out for the past couple days, and suffering from terrible headaches as well as constant pain in the limbs. The doctor appealed urgently to her to stay in bed and take a few days off which made her laugh hysterically.

There is no way she could take even a few hours off. Everything depends on her. If she's not there - there is no show.

But when she does the final spin and gets lifted up into the air by her dance partner, everything goes black for a second. She sinks to the floor but feels her partner grabbing her shoulders.

"Brittany please" She can hear Tom's worried voice coming closer. He's the director and they've gotten very close over the past couple months. She told him about how she's staying with a friend for a while until she and Alana have figured everything out. At first she was glad she could be open about it but now she regrets telling him because he's constantly worried about her and wants her to stay home to recover.

"I know you're trying to be strong and you don't want to let us down but you're making it worse! We can rehearse without you for a day. We definitely need you fully recovered next week but that's not going to work if you dance until you pass out. Do you understand? You've got the flu for Christ's sake! We don't want you to infect all the others, ok?"

Brittany nods. She takes the bottle of water that one of the background dancers hands her. She knows they are right. But this show means so much to her. It's the first leading role she got and whenever she does modern dance, she can forget anything and feel everything.

Because staying home means sitting on Quinn's couch which means having way too much time to think about all the things she still needs to discuss with Alana or wondering about how Santana's been doing. Yesterday would have been their second anniversary... but they haven't heard from each other since their goodbye outside of the hotel, which was three weeks ago.

For three weeks she's been sleeping on Quinn's couch where she's got no space to live really. Of course she's more than thankful to be there, so she and Alana don't have to walk into each other all the time. But now that she's so stressed about the show's premiere, she just wants to come home to a place where she feels comfortable and not like she's being a burden to someone else. Quinn loves having her around but Brittany still feels bad about it.

This morning Alana texted her, saying that she's going to spend the weekend at her family's lake house in case Brittany wanted to come home for a while without getting disturbed. She's definitely going to pick up some stuff because last time she went home to get clothes, Alana had been there and it was very difficult for both of them. They didn't know how to behave around one another so Brittany left as soon as possible and forgot many things she desperately needs.

When her dance partner helps her to get back on her feet, her legs feel extremely wobbly and she falls into another fit of coughing right away. She just wants to lie down on a bed and sleep for ten hours, so going back home for a night or two sounds very tempting.

"Don't even think about stepping a foot into the studio for the next forty-eight hours, Brittany" Tom speaks in a very serious voice but his eyes are warm and she knows that he really cares for her. "We premiere on Friday which means you have enough time to do some last rehearsals next week. Please don't worry about it. You are my lead, my best dancer. I trust you because I chose you for a reason, ok? Everything is going to be great. Don't forget that and now get the hell out of here."

Brittany knows that the last word is spoken so she makes her way down the stage and out of the building. Once she's standing outside and breathing in some fresh air, she knows that Tom is right. She definitely needs some time for herself if she wants to get recovered for next week.

She takes a cab home or what used to be her home for the past year. But when she enters the apartment and makes her way to the living room, everything feels distant and different. Alana took down the pictures on the wall and Brittany's guitar is no longer standing next to the television. Alana must have put it to the attic so she doesn't have to look at it all the time.

Brittany sighs. It's not that she misses everything. It's good that things are changing before it's too late. But of course she has gotten used to a certain life and to just end it so abruptly is hard. So if she's being completely honest with herself, she _does_ miss things.

Maybe it wasn't that exciting, passionate love with butterflies all over the place but it was a connection they shared and for a while it felt real and good.

She sits down on the big leather couch. Her eyes fixate the TV when she turns it on but she quickly looses interest in what is currently playing. Before she knows it, she sinks back into the pillows and closes her eyes.

* * *

It's Sunday night when Brittany feels like she's coming back to live. She has no idea how much she slept on the weekend but it must have been a lot because she feels a lot better. She agreed to meet up with Quinn for drinks at their favorite bar and later on they will go back to Quinn's place because Alana texted that she's going to be home at the end of the day.

"You should think about moving in with me, you know?" Quinn mentions when they've reached their second beer. "I don't even need my study. We could put a bed in there and all your stuff. I mean you're basically my roommate already and rent is really low."

Brittany raises her eyebrows. She's been thinking about it, too but would have never asked her friend for such a huge favor.

"But what about Josh?" Brittany asks insecurely.

"What about him? We've only been dating for a few months, Britt. He and I have plenty of time to think about moving in together at one point but it's way too soon anyways. Plus I'd rather live with you. It's been so much fun, don't you think?"

Brittany smiles. It has definitely been three amazing weeks even though sharing the couch with Quincy the cat isn't exactly relaxing most of the time. But sharing a place with Quinn means she doesn't have to worry when she's at work about whether she has forgotten to turn on the dishwasher or not. It means she can buy whatever food she wants and put it into the fridge without someone else rolling their eyes at Brittany's choice of milk. It simply means that she can do whatever she wants without having to put Alana's needs first all the time.

"Well... that would actually be the most awesome idea ever!" Brittany exclaims. She can't help but laugh when she sees Quinn's face lighting up and how she claps her hand together in excitement.

"We need to drink on that! Waiter! Two more!" She yells with a bubbly voice.

Brittany's delight quickly dims when she spots the one person she's expected the least entering the bar with a group of friends. Alana's eyes find her right away and it looks like she wants to turn around on her heels but her friends push her further inside, not noticing Brittany at the bar.

"Shit" Brittany mumbles and points towards Alana's direction when Quinn gives her a puzzled look.

"Oh... do you want to leave? I can tell the waiter we changed our minds."

Brittany shakes her head. She watches Alana sitting down at a table, throwing a quick glance at Brittany. She waves awkwardly with a shy smile. Brittany smiles back which feels extremely weird. They've never greeted each other like this. It's odd to see the person you've spent every day with suddenly very distant and somehow changed.

"It's ok. I guess that's what happens when you decide to split up, right?"

Quinn shrugs.

"I don't know. I mean Alana agreed about breaking up but I always felt like she had deeper feelings than you, Britt. It'll be hard for her for a while..."

Brittany bites her lip because she knows it's probably true.

Once they've finished their last drinks and paid the bill, Brittany watches Alana getting up from her table. She makes her way towards Brittany and Quinn when they reach the bar's exit.

"I'll wait across the street, ok? Need to get something from the gas station." Quinn says with a smile after she says hello to Alana.

Brittany nods. Then they are standing alone outside of the bar.

"I uh... just wanted to quickly say hello" Alana says with a low voice. She looks tired. And sad. "Was everything ok at home? Were you able to get some stuff you needed?"

"Oh yeah. Everything was fine. I basically slept all weekend because I wasn't feeling well and I definitely needed the rest. So thank you. I really appreciated it."

Alana gives her a short smile.

"No problem. But uh... I saw on my bank account that you paid your half of the rent for the next month. Are you... like... staying?" The hidden hope in Alana's voice kills Brittany.

"Uh... I still haven't gotten all my stuff and I didn't think it'd be fair if I just stopped paying right away. But I'm actually thinking about moving in with Quinn."

The disappointment in Alana's face is hard to oversee or look at. But there is no going back now.

"Right... well I should get back inside. But I wish you all the best for your big day on Friday." She reaches out to squeeze Brittany's arm. "I know you're going to be amazing at it. Maybe I'll come see the show one night, if you don't mind? I know you've been working very hard for it and I'd still like to support it."

Brittany nods. "Yeah that would be really nice. We're playing it the whole month until before Christmas. I'm sure you'll like it."

They give each other a warm smile before Alana turns around to get back inside and Brittany crosses the street to where Quinn is already waiting.

"You look like you just hit a deer or something" She says when she puts an arm around Brittany's shoulders. "Come on... it won't be the last time you run into each other. Better get used to it."

Brittany sighs deeply. Sometimes she just wishes for a button to press fast forward in life.

* * *

Time flies... before she knows it, it's Friday night and she's standing behind the stage with her heart beating out of her chest. She can hear the audience applauding after the first act. Her fellow dancer partners scurry around everywhere with huge grins on their faces and sweat collecting on those who come down from the stage after their first appearance.

Tom steps next to Brittany. He grabs her shoulders and presses a kiss to her cheek.

"My love... you're next. Make me proud! You're fabulous!" He yells when she already makes her way to get to the stage.

With confidence, joy and endless motivation she collects herself, seconds before her entrance.

Nothing could stop her now.

* * *

 ** _Chapter 7 is just a click away!_**


	7. Chapter 7

**_This is the second part of the update - go back one chapter if you haven't read the first one, yet._**

 ** _If you want to listen to a song while reading: "Bad Ideas" by Alle Farben._**

* * *

Her body is still recovering from all the adrenalin, her brain not able to process everything, yet.

She can't believe how quickly the past four weeks went by. It's like someone pressed play on an extremely good music video and all she wants is to go back to the start and watch it over and over again because it was way too short. They've only just celebrated an extremely successful premiere and now they can look back at an eventful, crazy and emotional four weeks. It included pretty much everything. A background dancer breaking her leg, Tom having a nervous breakdown, a night with basically no audience because of an unexpected thunderstorm or the one time where the male lead didn't show up until ten minutes before the show began because he was stuck in traffic.

They are all standing on the stage, drinking in the last few seconds of pure happiness while taking a bow. This is it, the last show. The audience applauds energetically and she can see happy faces everywhere. This is what she loves with great passion. In moments like these, she can see that it was all worth it. Well... almost all of it.

She's still scanning the crowd frantically for dark eyes but she can't seem to find them anywhere. This morning she got a mysterious text from Santana, saying that she might have bought tickets to a show she wouldn't want to miss.

At first Brittany thought that Santana just wanted to tease her. They hadn't heard from each other since the morning after their night at the hotel and she couldn't imagine that Santana would make the way to L.A. just to see Brittany's show. But when she didn't get an answer to her seven question marks in return, she started to believe that Santana was serious.

Now that she's standing on stage about to leave it, she can still not find the brunette's face in the audience. Maybe she wasn't even talking about Brittany's show? Maybe she accidentally sent the message to Brittany and it was meant for someone else?

Her questions remain unanswered because she gets pulled from the stage once the applause subsides. She gets hugged from all sides, receives kisses to her cheeks and someone puts a huge bouquet of flowers into her arms. Her co-dancers celebrate her like a star and she can't help but laugh when they start singing her current favorite song which she's been playing all the time between rehearsals.

Once they've set a date to celebrate their success all together, Brittany hugs everyone goodbye before making her way out of the building. The last few guests are still standing outside, waiting for a cab or discussing about where to get some drinks before going home.

"Brittany!" She turns around but her happy grin fades quickly. It's not Santana coming out of the building. It's Alana.

"Told you I was coming to see the show. You were... incredible." She says with reddened cheeks while making a few steps towards Brittany.

"Alana" Brittany breathes weakly. "Wow I... didn't expect you to be honest."

Alana smiles at her.

"I decided to come spontaneously. But I definitely don't regret it. Congrats, Brittany. I'm really proud of you."

Brittany lets her free hand run through her hair. She's still holding the bouquet of flowers in the other.

"Thank you" She replies while staring at the brunette, still not sure what to think.

"I was wondering if you'd like to... get a drink or something? I mean only if you've got time. But I saw you leaving alone so..."

Brittany has no idea what to do. They have only exchanged a few text messages over the past few weeks and they saw each other once when Brittany returned to the apartment to get her things.

"Al... I don't really understand" Brittany tries carefully. "I thought we were on the same page about breaking up." Alana's happy expression quickly fades. But she makes another step towards her. She takes Brittany's free hand into her own.

"Brittany, I... I keep wondering if maybe we didn't try hard enough?" Brittany looks down at their entwined hands. "I just don't want to look back in a few years and regret not having tried everything to make you happy."

Brittany closes her eyes for a moment.

"But that's not how it's supposed to be," she tries. She really wants Alana to understand. Once and for all. "You're not meant to make me happy, Alana. No one is responsible for someone else's happiness, ok? We need to be happy on our own and _then_ a partner can enhance that happiness. But no matter how hard we would have tried - I _know_ that it wasn't going to work."

Alana looks deep and desperate into her eyes, like she's trying to find something positive about Brittany's words. But there is nothing Brittany can give to her, so she pulls her hand free.

"I need to go. I'm so sorry", she mumbles before turning around.

And there she is.

Santana is standing next to the entrance of the building. Just like she was with a cigarette in her hand, that night they went to the restaurant with their friends and Brittany needed some fresh air. The bitterness is written all over her face.

She wants to call Santana's name but she can only watch how her one true love starts walking away with fleeing steps.

* * *

Her hands are shaking so badly when she tries to dial Santana's number for the third time in a row. She feels like someone punched her in the guts. Why does everything have to be so complicated all the time? Just an hour ago she thought that nothing could ever bring her down. Now she can feel the tears brim in her eyes until they silently roll down her cheeks.

She hates the taste of blood in her throat but she won't stop running. Santana had gotten into a cab right in front of her eyes but of course now there's not a single one in sight so she runs. But when Santana doesn't pick up the phone, she panics. What if tonight would have been the only chance to make things right? To thank Santana for coming and to tell her that she's been on Brittany's mind constantly? Why did Alana have to show up on the very same night?

When she can hardly feel her legs anymore, she decides to come to a halt. This way she can type a message.

 _Please tell me where you are._

She accidentally sends it too soon. She wants to say so much more but she could never write it all down anyway so instead she squats down to catch her breath for a minute.

She puts the flowers on the ground to finally hold her phone with two hands. Santana definitely won't reply. Brittany puts her head into her hand, eagerly trying to find out what to do.

"Please" She mumbles. She can't believe this is happening. Santana is here. She came here even though they said they'd wait until Christmas. She's here although she indicated a divorce last time they spoke.

She's here. And Brittany once again ruined the tiniest chance she maybe had.

But when she looks up to the sky, which is already dark, her heart starts racing once more. Not because she's still exhausted but because she suddenly remembers the hotel Santana was staying at last time.

She jumps up when she spots a cab on the other side of the street coming her way. She doesn't care that a car almost hits her for the second time in two months when she crosses the street to stop the taxi.

There is one thing on her mind and she won't go to bed tonight before she hasn't tried everything.

* * *

She doesn't know how she made it through the hotel lobby without getting noticed by any of the hotel staff. Maybe it's because she walked closely behind two other women just entering the hotel and everyone thought she belonged with them.

But the euphoria doesn't last long. When she enters the elevator she can see that it's a twelve-story building. There must be about three hundred rooms and it's not even guaranteed that Santana is in one of them. Maybe she's already on her way to the airport.

Brittany slaps her palm against her forehead. She should have gone to the airport!

The elevator makes a dinging noise before opening its doors. It's the first floor. Brittany wants to shoot herself. But she's here and she's going to try. She owes it to herself and mostly to Santana.

* * *

"Room service!" Brittany yells annoyed after knocking on the seventeenth door. She's about to lose her nerve. Most doors stay closed which is understandable as it's already close to midnight.

This one gets opened and a confused elder man looks at her.

"Yes?" He asks while putting his glasses on.

"I'm sorry..." Brittany mumbles crestfallenly. "You're definitely not a hot Latina, either." She didn't mean to say the last part out loud but she can't find the strength to apologize again. She makes a few steps to the right, wondering if it's even worth it to knock on the next door.

"Uh... try that one"

Brittany turns around so fast that she can hear her spine crack. The man points across the floor. Brittany makes her way back.

"That one?" She reaches her hand out, ready to knock again. The man nods, still confused.

"Long dark hair with pretty eyes?" Brittany asks incredulously.

"Very" He mutters with a wink before disappearing back into his room.

Brittany drops her hand once again, trying to collect herself. She's still sweating. Maybe because she ran like an idiot before. Or maybe because she doesn't know what's going to happen once the door gets opened.

Before she can think too much, Brittany knocks with a trembling fist and exhales a shaky breath.

Then she can hear footsteps from inside the room.

* * *

She's hiding behind the door, her cheek resting against it. Her eyes roam over Brittany's face. She looks defeated. And so endlessly beautiful. There is only a hint of a surprise in Santana's eyes.

"I had no idea that she was going to be there. Alana and I split up. She wanted to know if there is still a chance but there isn't," Brittany begins but she feels like she's about to fail miserably. Santana is still standing behind the shielding door.

"Please... I was looking for you but when I couldn't find you I thought that maybe you had changed your mind." Her voice dies because her heart aches terribly. She hasn't felt it this intensively in two years. Everything she says seems to bore right into Santana's chest by the way her eyes become sadder and sadder.

She stays silent which makes Brittany a hundred times more insecure than Santana's snarky comments used to do whenever they went through a rough patch in their relationship. But she was always able to make Santana smile again. At the end of the day, they went to bed lying in each other's arms. Always.

There was nothing they couldn't talk about. And now it seems like there is an ocean between them.

"Do you want me to... go?" Brittany asks eventually. Santana blinks at her. Then she finally opens her mouth.

"You were amazing. Tonight..."

Brittany swallows. Was that a goodbye? As in - you did a great job and now goodnight? She tries to decode Santana's words while looking down at the floor. She can't take those dark eyes. They break Brittany's heart into millions of pieces.

"Ok uh thanks... I guess I'll just... you know" She mutters when making a step backwards. She clumsily points to the right with her thumb.

She's beyond embarrassed. She wants to disappear behind the next corner but the hallways looks endlessly long. All she can do is start walking and hope that Santana will close the door soon. But she never hears the sound.

Instead she can hear footsteps. Light but quick. Then a hand grabs her shirt, holding her back. She turns around and expects Santana to say something. She expects her to give Brittany a confused look or something. Anything but a kiss.

But Santana throws her arms around Brittany's neck to pull her in. She crashes their mouths together for a kiss that robs all the oxygen in Brittany's lungs. Her hands grab Santana's waist. She's scared she won't be able to stand for much longer.

Their lips adjust so easily as if their last kiss had been yesterday. Santana's still taste the same and yet so different. Better.

She can sense Santana's hands at the back of her head, on her neck and shoulders. Almost as if they can't believe what is happening, either. Brittany wishes she could open her eyes and see Santana's face. But she can't. Everything is so intense, so she has to find out through her other senses.

Santana's lips feel so hot against her own, almost burning. Her scent clouds Brittany's mind. She can hear heavy breathing when their kiss gets interrupted for two seconds. She tastes desire on her tongue. Santana's and her own. So she doesn't waste another minute but raises her hands up to the brunette's face to make sure she won't go away before Santana parts her lips and grants Brittany's tongue access.

A small moan fills Brittany's ears but it's enough to drive her insane. Something inside her awoke and there is no way she can still it. She pushes Santana back. So far until they reach the nearest wall. With a thud they crash against it and Brittany finds herself pressing against the smaller body while their lips battle and crave each other at the same time.

Everything is so sensual and wonderful about it. That slim waist and the curves of Santana's hips. Her arms that still rest on Brittany's shoulders and her chest heaving between them. There is no way Brittany can stop herself from wanting more.

Only when she tastes the salt of a tear squeezing in between their lips, she carefully opens her eyes. One more kiss to those marvelous lips and she's back like an addict. Santana cries. Tears roll down her cheeks, one after the other. She lets her head rest back against the wall and gazes at Brittany through clouded eyes.

She sucks in her lips as if she's trying to capture the lingering tingle of their kiss.

"I've never felt so powerless" She rasps like she hasn't used her voice in years. Brittany feels like the complete opposite. She feels life pumping through her veins.

"Tell me what you want," she whispers against Santana's lips. She can't seem to stay away from them. "No matter what. Just tell me."

Brittany closes her eyes because she hopes so much that Santana won't tell her to leave. She'll accept anything. But she wishes to stay. Santana's finger ghost over Brittany's chest. Then they wander down where they find Brittany's hand. Their fingers entwine when Santana whispers a " _stay_ " into her ear.

One look, the courageous fingers and the lip biting say everything. And so Brittany lets Santana guide her back to the room and closes the door once they're both inside.

* * *

 ** _Let me know what you thought about this one! :)_**


	8. Chapter 8

It's endless. The depth of her eyes...

Santana looks up and for the first time since they ran into each other almost two months ago, Brittany can read her again. She can see the craving in Santana's eyes. They are darker than before and filled with need. She can see the insecurity changing into confidence. The hesitation being replaced with trust.

Santana's hands are positioned on Brittany's hips, her fingers digging into the material of her jeans. Brittany still can't believe she found her. She found her in a hotel with hundreds of rooms but they are standing in the very same one and in front of each other. There are only a few inches between them but she can sense Santana's warmth radiate and tickle underneath her fingertips. She's been cupping her pretty face with one hand and puts a strand of dark hair behind her ear with the other.

They should talk... they definitely should talk and not sleep with each other. They should discuss everything even though it's probably close to midnight. They should ask each other all the questions they've wanted to ask or talk about the past two years without one another. Brittany doesn't even know how Santana's family has been doing.

They should talk about the divorce. Because even if she's ready to forgive Brittany, it's probably what Santana wants. So they can move one. Once and for all.

Except Santana's lips claim the opposite when they attach themselves to Brittany's neck. Brittany rolls her eyes because it looks like this is still a weakness she's forgotten about a long time ago. She can't fight the urge to grab Santana's cheeks harder and kiss her. So she does.

They get drawn close to each other and press into the kiss, arms wrapping around one another. Their tongues can't wait any longer to meet again because it wasn't enough when they kissed in the hallway before. It's never enough with Santana.

When they lose themselves in their kiss Brittany doesn't notice how they stumble backwards. Only when the edge of the bed hits her knees, their lips are forced to part. She sinks back onto the mattress but her eyes never leave Santana's. The TV's dim lights reflect in them.

"You still kiss the same way" Santana whispers when she courageously straddles Brittany. It takes Brittany's breath away to have her wife sit in her lap like this, almost as if the past two years never happened. Because Santana is... she's still her wife and it feels right.

"I do?"

Santana nods with a smirk.

"I'm sure you do many things the same way you did before..." The brunette adds.

It's too much for Brittany. She wraps her arms around Santana's middle, lifts her up and turns them around so she lands on top of her.

The surprise is written over her face but Santana quickly collects herself. She forms her lips to a smile before pushing Brittany's hair back so they can lock eyes again.

"You really came to see the show?" Brittany asks after a while because if she doesn't talk, she'll get lost and she won't be able to stop herself from doing something she can't undo. Something she happens to be good at.

"You really want to talk about the show?" Santana counters. She's so bold Brittany wants to laugh. But she can't.

She finds herself lying on top of the woman she's desired for years. Some years openly and some secretly. She's settled between Santana's legs and supports herself on her elbows.

"Well... I don't actually... but don't you think there are _some_ things you want to talk about?" Brittany suggests before leaning down to press a single kiss to Santana's lips. She can't believe she can kiss her. Just like this. Without having to ask for permission. She can kiss her and it's not just a dream anymore.

Santana's eyes are still closed when Brittany opens her own to look down. The brunette slowly shakes her head in denial.

"I think it's pretty obvious what I want... but I guess you're right." Santana clears her throat and narrows her eyes. "Ok, let's have the talk Brittany S. Pierce. I'm ready."

Suddenly Brittany finds herself getting insecure. But if she's not going to ask her all those questions now - she'll never do it. It's like ripping off a band-aid. You have to do it without wondering if it'll hurt or not. It will either way.

"Ok uhm... I guess I've been wondering over and over again why you... why you didn't file for divorce. How could we let two years pass without speaking about it once and how we can go on from here? Do you want to be friends? Do you want to end things for good?" Brittany wants to ask another question. The most important one. But she can't. Santana will never give their marriage a second chance...

Santana looks swamped with all those questions but she tries her best to keep a smile on her face.

"I..." she begins but the boldness from before is gone. She plays with a strand of Brittany's hair. Something she always used to do whenever they lay in bed together. "I don't know, Britt" Her voice is only a whisper now.

Brittany swallows because she doesn't know, either. She doesn't think they could be something other than lovers. Friends with Santana? No... never.

"When I saw you at that bar I knew that I couldn't leave without talking to you. Everything inside of me screamed to let you go, to not walk over. But when you finally looked at me, I just knew that it was impossible. When it comes to you I'm still that girl... crazy about you." Santana's voice is low but clear. Like she's telling nothing but the truth.

Brittany nods.

"Me, too. I thought I saw a ghost when Quinn made me look over and there you were. I nearly passed out." Santana chuckles at Brittany's words. Then her expression turns once again more serious.

"But Brittany... as much as I want to be here with you and nowhere else... I don't know what tomorrow brings." Brittany watches Santana carefully. Her eyes are filled with worry and adoration at the same time. Everything about it makes Brittany yearn for more. She wants to kiss away the sorrow in those brown eyes and make Santana forget about her doubts. And yet she wants her to speak those doubts out loud because there is no way around them.

"For the past two years I have been holding back - _everything_." Santana goes on. She swallows. "Now that you're lying on top of me, I can hardly resist but I'm scared. What if I wake up in the morning and you leave again? When I don't even know if I want you to stay? Because I can't go through this again... But the thought of saying goodbye once more hurts so much." She falls silent. A single tear coming out of nowhere glistens at the corner of her eye and then disappears in her hair.

Brittany nods bitterly. She knows.

"I am _so_ sorry" She whispers. She can't blame her for thinking this way. Time doesn't change a thing. Not every wound heals easily.

"I know... I know." Santana breathes.

They gaze at each other lost in thoughts and lie there for a long time while caressing each other's cheeks and temples. Eventually Santana's worry lines disappear. She lifts her hands to push Brittany back by her shoulders until she can once again change their position so she's back on top.

"But uh... if you think that you and I could become friends then I have to disappoint you." She winks at Brittany. "Because friends don't kiss like that. And they definitely don't touch like that."

Santana looks down to see her own hand ghosting over Brittany's chest. Brittany holds her breath when the brunette starts to button down her shirt carefully before guiding her hand underneath the material and cupping Brittany's breast in one move. It's overwhelming but only in the best way.

"Oh my God" Santana mumbles.

"What? What's wrong?" Brittany wants to know. She can feel herself getting out of breath already.

"Is that a Calvin Klein bra?" Santana stares at her hand on Brittany's chest with a sparkle in her eye. She bites her lip. "I love those. Because they are so... sexy."

Brittany presses her eyelids together. She can't believe this is happening. How many nights did she lie awake and think back to moments like these? Or imagine what it would be like to spend one more night with her wife?

"Santana... you have to stop talking like that. I don't think I can hold back much longer but I'm scared that if we do this now... you'll regret it in the morning and I'd rather shoot myself than hurting you again."

Santana's eyes wander back to Brittany's face. Her lovely smile makes everything better. Or worse. All Brittany knows is that she's still madly... madly in love with her.

"You've always been the more reasonable one" Santana whispers. If she feels the same way? Or maybe she's only attracted to Brittany physically but there are no longer feelings involved?

She pulls her hand back from inside Brittany's shirt. Then they lean in for a kiss at the same time. It's sweet and everything about it is new and yet familiar at the same time. They crawl up to the pillows where Santana accepts the invitation to lie down in Brittany's embrace. Once they've settled comfortably Brittany realizes how exhausted she is. She can hardly keep her eyes open when Santana talks about the show and everything she loved about it.

It's been an eventful few weeks but tonight tops it all. She wouldn't change a thing.

* * *

Everything went really fast in the morning. Santana had to hurry to catch her plane back home and Brittany had about five text messages from Quinn on her phone. Ever since she moved in with her they automatically start worrying about each other when one of them doesn't tell where they are staying for the night or get home very late.

Santana threw everything into her travel bag before they left the hotel room to get to the lobby. When they walked down the narrow hall their hands kept brushing against each other and when they stepped into the elevator Brittany took Santana's into her own. It caused the brunette to look down at their entwined fingers before throwing a glance at Brittany. She raised an eyebrow with a smirk on her lips.

"We are not dating, ok?" She said firmly. Brittany quickly shook her head.

"Of course not" She approved with a squeeze to Santana's hand.

That's all they said to each other until they finally stepped outside of the hotel building a few minutes later where they are standing now.

Brittany feels like a déjà-vu is happening right in front of her when Santana waves a taxi over. Only this time there is no lump forming in Brittany's throat when Santana faces her one last time.

"See you on the weekend?" She asks in a hopeful way. "I mean only if your parents will let you go for a while. They haven't seen you in a long time and I'm sure they're looking forward to celebrating Christmas with you."

Brittany sighs. She's not looking very much forward to it. It'll be the first Christmas she spends at home with her family after what happened to her sister. She's not ready to face her Dad again. Last time her parents came to visit her in L.A. he wasn't exactly excited to see her. He's still not forgiven her for moving far away. Brittany didn't just leave Santana behind.

"Yeah see you on the weekend" Brittany whispers before taking the brunette in for a hug. Going back home doesn't scare her anymore though. At least not as much. Knowing that Santana will be there makes everything so much lighter. Which is ironic because nothing is solved between them. They still don't know if they will get divorced.

She still hopes that maybe... maybe they won't.

"Take care," Santana breathes against Brittany's lips when they loosen their embrace. Their mouths meet for one last kiss before Santana gets into the cab. This time she doesn't hide her face when the car starts moving. She raises her hand for a small wave, which Brittany reciprocates.

She breathes in the early morning air once the cab has disappeared around a corner. The sun already tickles her nose when she looks up to the sky and starts walking.

* * *

The scent of freshly baked cookies overwhelms her when she steps foot into the apartment.

"Quinn? Are you already up and... baking?" Brittany asks incredulously when she watches her friend coming out of the kitchen with red cheeks and an apron around her waist.

"Yes! It's Christmas in a couple days! I know you're not going to be around this year but I thought maybe you'd like to bring your family some self-made cookies? Oh and you have to come buy a tree with me today. We can decorate early this year and have dinner tonight. What do you think?"

Brittany sits down on the couch. It only takes a couple seconds until Quincy hops onto it as well to make herself comfortable in Brittany's lap.

"That's a great idea" Brittany mumbles while ruffling the cat's head.

"Hey what's up with you?" Quinn asks with a funny voice. She makes her way over to the couch to sit next to Brittany. "Did you party hard to celebrate the last performance? Met someone interesting or why do you have that goofy face? You've been gone all night!"

Brittany reaches into the box of cookies that Quinn is holding in her hands. She stuffs a big one into her mouth to signal that she can't speak at the moment. Quinn's eyes widen.

"Oh my God who is it?! Please don't tell me it's Alana... Please." Brittany shakes her head. "Who did you meet, Britt?"

"Fan-fana" Brittany noms and quickly grabs another cookie. Quinn looks at her confusedly.

"Who?"

Brittany rolls her eyes. She knows that Quinn won't like it. It takes a while to swallow the cookie.

"I met Santana, ok? She came to see the show and-"

"And?"

"Nothing happened! I mean... it sort of did but not what you think! Sort of..."

Quinn looks like she's shocked on one hand but wants to know details on the other. Instead she bites into a cookie, too.

"There must be something really special about that woman," She says thoughtfully. "I mean she's hot - duh... but whenever you talk about her you've got that look on your face. I never saw that when you were with Alana."

Brittany shrugs.

"I married her... she's more than special to me, Quinn."

The blonde nods with a smile. They sit there in silence while eating some more cookies before Quinn decides it's time to go buy a Christmas tree. And although Brittany's still exhausted from not getting enough sleep last night, she's more than happy to accompany her.

* * *

It's ridiculous when she steps out of the cab and gets presented a picture-book view of the street she used to live at in a small town in Connecticut. Thick snowflakes surround her, as well as an inviting scent coming from the open kitchen window of the house she grew up. She can see her mother standing by the sink washing some dishes.

Everything still looks the same. The Christmas decorations, the front yard, her Dad's car in the driveway... She loved that house. She still does but she knows that as soon as she'll step inside, she won't get greeted by the loudest member of the family. Isabel is no longer there.

How much Brittany adored that young girl... they had a special bond even though they were quite a few years apart. But it never mattered.

When her mother looks up, her eyes lighten up. She can see her lips forming Brittany's name before she waves at her excitedly. Brittany chuckles and grabs her bags so she can make her way to the front door.

When they fall into a warm embrace only moments later, she can feel it. She's coming home.

* * *

"You have to tell us everything! How did the premiere go? Did everything go well? When do you have to start rehearsing for the next show?" Her mother's face beams with excitement.

They've just stepped into the living room where Brittany's Dad takes her in for a quick hug that is everything but her mother's. He hardly looks her in the eyes when he sinks back into his leather seat. Brittany sits down on a big couch which is new and fancy. She's still overwhelmed with everything.

"You know what, never mind sweetie. I'm sure you must be very tired from the long flight. Do you want to lie down before we have dinner? It'll take me at least another hour to finish everything. You can tell us about the show when we eat." Her mother says with a warm smile before returning to the kitchen.

Brittany instantly feels less comfortable. Her Dad has his arms crossed in front of his chest and finally looks at her over the edge of his glasses.

"Why didn't you invite your mother to come see the show?" He asks with a calm voice. But Brittany knows her Dad. He's still disappointed. He never wanted her to be a dancer. He wanted her to become a lawyer just like him.

The only reason he was able to accept her relationship with another woman was because of Santana's choice to study law. He would have never said it out loud but he admired her. They didn't have a very warm relationship but she was always able to talk to him about things he was interested in and he looked at her the way he never looked at Brittany. But it was ok. As long as he tolerated them as a couple, she was happy.

"Dad I... I did but L.A. isn't just around the corner. Maybe you guys can come see the next show." She tries but he doesn't look satisfied.

"You're right. It's not just around the corner, Brittany but it still didn't stop you from leaving your mother behind after... everything." Brittany swallows. She can tell he's still deeply hurt and he's not just talking about her mother.

"Dad I'm so sorry that I couldn't stay." She feels foolish when saying those words. She scoots over on the couch until she's close enough to her father to put her hand on top of his. "I missed you very much. Maybe we can do something tomorrow? Just you and me."

Her father manages to give her a little smile. It's enough for her to feel a better. She squeezes his hand before getting up to leave the living room. Once she's made her way upstairs and closes the door of her old room behind her, she exhales long breath.

She knew it wouldn't be easy. But seeing her parents makes her go through all kinds of emotions. She feels her pocket vibrate when she crosses the room to sit down on her old bed.

Her parents changed quite a few things in here so it makes a cozy guest room. But there is still Brittany's favorite picture on the nightstand table. Her parents and Isabel are sitting at the beach laughing at each other. Brittany took the picture on their last vacation with all four of them together.

She pulls the phone out of her pocket. A smile forms on her lips when she reads Santana's message.

 _My family is killing me! I arrived only two hours ago and there are people here who claim to be my cousins but I've never seen them before! How was your flight?_

Brittany can't help but laugh. She knows Santana's family too well. They are way too many, way too loud.

 _At least your family is fun and you won't have to entertain all of them during dinner. Want go for a ride afterwards? I'll pick you up ;)_

Brittany types the message quickly but the reply comes even faster.

 _Like old times? Please tell me your Dad still has the pick-up truck._

Brittany thinks back to the countless times she stole her Dad's car keys to drive the way over to Santana's house. They became friends during their senior year at high school when Santana moved there with her family. They spent a lot of time together but it took them forever to find out that they were both attracted to each other. Brittany always wondered why their friendship felt special but when Santana got madly jealous of Brittany's boyfriend one night, she realized that there might have been more between them than just a friendship. But it wasn't until college when Brittany gathered all her courage and kissed Santana during that one night while watching a movie. The rest is history...

 _You shall wait and see._

Brittany sends the message with a grin before leaning back into the pillows. It definitely feels like coming home...

* * *

The dinner with her parents goes better than expected. Her mother asks many questions about Brittany's life in California and she can't hide the excitement when Brittany tells her about the break up with Alana. She always rooted for Santana when they were still struggling about finding out what their relationship was about. Her mother always seemed to be a step ahead.

"You know I saw Maria Lopez at the super market the other day" Her mother says nonchalantly between two bites of chicken. "She was very excited about Santana coming _home_ for Christmas."

Brittany presses her lips together and nods approvingly. She's not ready to talk to her parents about their reunion in L.A. because it would crush her mother to hear that they are back in each other's lives but maybe it won't work out.

"That's great, Mom. The chicken is so yummy, isn't it Dad?" Brittany changes the subject successfully. Her Dad starts explaining how he bought the chicken at a farmer's house but Brittany isn't really listening.

She pictures Santana spending Christmas with her family when Brittany stayed in Los Angeles. Did she think about calling Brittany, too? Or was she happy to not hear from her? Those questions still haunt her. But when she feels her phone vibrate again in her pocket, she can't help but forget about those worries and simply look forward to seeing Santana.

* * *

"Oh my God... I can't believe your Dad still drives the very same car. Where does he ever go with it?" Santana asks as soon as she gets into the passenger seat of the huge car two hours later. Brittany laughs.

"I have no idea... Fishing maybe? How was your dinner?"

Santana rolls her eyes when Brittany maneuvers the car back onto the road.

"Loud... my brothers all have kids and they are cute and everything but they want to play all. the. time. I'm so glad you came to pick me up. I really need a break. So... where are you taking me?"

Brittany winks at her secretively. "Surprise"

Santana grins widely when Brittany steps on the gas pedal. It feels like she gets thrown back a few years when Santana reaches over the middle console to put her hand on Brittany's thigh. It's what she always did sooner or later when they drove in a car together.

When they moved into their first apartment they were allowed to borrow her Dad's car for a week to get furniture. They went for a ride almost every night, just driving into nowhere and enjoying the intimate moments. But now it feels like a secret. Nobody except for Quinn really knows what's been going on and nobody knows that they are in a car together right now.

It feels exciting and new to come back to old habits.

When she turns right at an intersection she can feel Santana's eyes on her.

"Are we going where I think we're going?" She asks with a squeeze to Brittany's thigh.

"Maybe..." Brittany replies with a shrug of her shoulder.

A few minutes later she stops the engine of the car. They are the only ones in the parking area. It has stopped snowing a while ago so they step outside.

"I can't believe you drove to our old high school" Santana mumbles when she follows Brittany to the front of the car. They lean against the hood and gaze at the building from a distance.

"I don't think I've been here ever since graduation" Brittany replies lost in thoughts.

"Wait didn't we come here years later to see your sister's musical?" Santana asks with a chuckle. Brittany knits her eyebrows together in confusion. Then she remembers.

"Oh wow you're right! How could I forget?" She laughs when she remembers her sister in action. Santana lets her head rest against Brittany's shoulder.

"Little Isabel... she did amazing that night."

Brittany agrees silently. They stand there for a long time until their noses get cold and they start shivering. Brittany puts her arm over Santana's shoulders to pull her even closer.

"Merry Christmas" She whispers against Santana's temple. It causes the brunette to turn her head and look up into Brittany's eyes. She leans in to capture Brittany's lips in a kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Britt"

* * *

 **The story is soon coming to an end but not quite yet - there's got to be a bit more drama ahead ;)**

 **I'd like to ask if there are Clarke/Lexa readers out there? Or are you interested in another Brittana story? Let me know via comment section or PM.**

 **thank you for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Thank you all so much for the feedback! It means a lot to read your opinions and comments :)**_

* * *

It's like someone puts a warm blanket around her shoulders. It's definitely not cold although it started snowing again a while ago. Except it's not a blanket that makes her feel hot and like she's about to lose her mind. It's Santana's arms wrapped around her neck and the way she's sitting in Brittany's lap in the backseat of the car.

It's her parted lips but eyes pressed closed. Her stifled moans breaking the silence from time to time. Her hips rocking against Brittany's hand.

Brittany looks up to see Santana's rosy cheeks as well as tiny pearls of sweat forming on her throat. She can almost see the pulse racing. It's dark outside where they are still parked on the high school area but there's no one else except for them and a single streetlight weakly illuminating the inside of the car.

She has never seen something so passionate and wild like Santana close to climax, desperate for more but not ready to let go, yet at the same time. Of course she has seen it before... all the times when they were still together. But this is so much more intense because she can't recall the last time they slept together or the last time she saw her wife letting all her guards down and allowing Brittany to control her this way.

She feels pain when Santana digs her fingernails into her neck and shoulders but it only makes her want to move faster inside the brunette's unbuttoned jeans.

She doesn't know how things could go so quickly from being all romantic while standing outside to those heated kisses, longing touches and finally Santana climbing into Brittany's lap, begging to touch her the way she used to do and where she needed it the most.

Initially they only got into the backseat to make out a little and reminisce about old times. Except she's been thinking about this ever since she got Santana's text message during dinner and there is no way she could stop it now. It's probably not the best idea. But the best thing.

She straightens her back to lean closer to Santana's body, wrapping her free arm around the brunette's middle. She holds her close, lets her hand run over Santana's back and can't get enough of the sight in front of her eyes.

How many sleepless nights did she spend after their breakup because she missed being with Santana so incredibly much? Being intimate, being in love, being herself. She missed those lips, those curves, those sighs. She has never seen a woman so alluring like Santana. Sometimes she can't believe she really married that woman. Out of all people, Santana wanted to be with Brittany. And she wants her now.

Because she brings their mouths together for another sloppy kiss when Brittany carefully guides her fingers inside. It takes her breath away to feel the warmth and the way Santana desperately moves on top of her as soon as she gets adjusted to the sensation. Her wife exhales a hot breath between their lips and another one after trying to hold back a moan. Unsuccessfully.

It drives Brittany insane when Santana starts moving her hips in a smooth motion. Slow and steadily like she's back in control and ready to draw it out. But Brittany needs more. She needs to feel everything. So she presses her thumb to Santana's most sensitive spot once more which earns her a surprised cry.

Santana's breathing gets heavier and the grip on Brittany's shoulders harder. She presses her forehead against Brittany's while her body starts shaking uncontrollably. She tries to kiss Brittany but fails when she gets overwhelmed with the intensity of the feelings that rush through her. Brittany has seen it so many times before. The moment Santana lets go and collapses around Brittany's shoulders, trying to hold on but she's too weak.

Her body jerks and trembles and Brittany absorbs every bit of those ecstatic seconds almost as if she's feeling it herself. Maybe it's even better. She starts kissing the side of Santana's neck, hoping to breathe some life back into the exhausted brunette.

"Are you ok?" She whispers into her wife's ear. She knows that she's more than ok. But she still needs to know. It's something she always asked after sleeping with each other. Making sure Santana felt comfortable and good.

Santana slowly leans back before opening her eyes. She's got an exhausted smile on her face.

"Definitely...", she mumbles. Then she moves forward to press a gentle kiss to Brittany's lips. "You still can't keep your hands to yourself while making out though."

Brittany can't help but laugh.

"Not when it comes to you", she agrees.

Santana nods slowly. Then her smile fades.

"You do know that this is the point of no return?" She asks weakly. It's almost a whisper.

Brittany guides her hand up to the brunette's face to cup her hot cheek. They stare into each other's eyes. Brittany tries to find something to hold on to.

"I mean..." Santana continues. "Ever since I saw you in L.A. I knew that it was dangerous to start talking to you again. Kissing you and allowing you to take me back to the good times we had... it makes me vulnerable. And now we're here back in each other's lives. Back home. Doing things you don't do with a person you want to get over."

Brittany swallows. Santana looks so beautiful when she's insecure on one hand but so aware of what she's saying on the other. She still has that incredible effect on Brittany. Everything she says seems reasonable and logic.

"Tonight you'll drive me home and we'll say goodbye and both sleep at out parents' house like we used to do when we were younger and building something like a friendship. I always wished you'd stay, you know... to fall asleep next to you. Now it feels like I'm that young girl again. But I'm scared of being naive and getting brokenhearted once more."

Her voice cracks before she bites her bottom lip to stop herself from saying more. Brittany wishes she didn't.

"I get it, Santana..." She says eventually. "I know we can't just go back to who we used to be. So much has changed and it's ok that you can't trust me again just like that. But please... please believe me that I love you."

Brittany wonders if she's going too far but she simply wants to be honest at this point. What if this was the last chance to tell Santana how she still feels about her after all this time? You never know when it's too late.

Santana's eyes widen. Her lips part but she remains quiet.

"You know that I love you" Brittany whispers with a squeeze to Santana's arm.

The brunette looks down at her. She still seems unsure what to do. But her warm eyes make Brittany feel good no matter what may happen next. The corners of Santana's lips pull up into a shy smile.

"We should get back. My mom probably wonders why it takes me so long to get chocolate sauce for the dessert." Brittany says with a reciprocating smile. She doesn't need Santana to say anything in return.

Time will tell.

"Right", Santana mumbles while pulling her shirt back in place. It fell down her left shoulder in the heat of the moment and revealed a bra and the soft skin on her shoulder. If it wasn't getting so uncomfortable in the car, Brittany wouldn't let Santana go for the night but continue from where they stopped just a while ago.

Once they've crawled back into the front seats Brittany starts the engine. When she looks to the right, Santana is already glancing at her.

"Nobody's ever been able to make me feel the way you do, Britt... not just physically." she whispers.

Brittany reaches her hand over to the passenger seat where Santana welcomes it between her own warm fingers. She lifts it up to her face to press a lingering kiss to Brittany's skin.

"Do you think you can drive with one hand?" She wants to know with a smirk.

Brittany just winks at her. It's what she always did whenever she picked Santana up during their senior year to go to the movies or after cheerio practice or something. Of course they weren't dating back then but she used every opportunity to flirt with her. She wasn't aware of it then but looking back it's almost ridiculous how much they liked each other but waited so long to act on it.

She's glad though.

And she's glad they are slowly finding a way back into each other's lives. Hopefully.

When they kiss goodbye a few minutes later, Brittany wonders for how long Santana is going to stay with her parents. Actually she wants to ask her if she wants to do something on New Year's Eve but Santana has already jumped out of the car when Brittany opens her mouth. The brunette throws a look over her shoulder once she reaches the door.

Brittany raises her hand to wave awkwardly. Santana laughs.

That laugh...

Brittany can hear it although the windows are closed. Then with another shy smile, Santana's lips form words. Words that are so easy to read but Brittany doesn't want to be too sure. Maybe she's wrong. Then Santana opens the door to get inside.

Brittany's chest feels warm and fuzzy, nervous at the same time. Because getting closer to Santana is so amazing but it also scares her. Nothing scares her more than the idea of hurting her again. What if she makes more mistakes? What if she can't make Santana happy? She'd do anything but what if it won't be enough? Santana deserves the world... because she's a woman with such a big heart and so much love to give. She works hard and never lets anybody down. She looks like a supermodel, walks, talks and moves like a goddess. She's funny and witty. She always knows what to say in an awkward situation to make everyone feel better. She's got a fire inside of her that everyone can see. Brittany has nod doubts that she got asked out on many dates during the past two years.

Anyone would fall in love with her... Brittany still doesn't know why Santana chose her back then. She only knows that this is the only chance she'll get to win her wife back. And even if it doesn't feel like she deserves it, she'll have to try everything to make it work.

* * *

Her mother does give her a special look when Brittany enters the kitchen after almost two hours of absence.

"I uh... had to drive quite far to get that... chocolate sauce." She mumbles when she leans against the kitchen counter where her mother is washing the dishes from dinner.

She earns another questioning look.

"And where is that very special chocolate sauce that is so hard to find?" Her mother asks while raising an eyebrow. "I made brownies, honey. I don't think we really need more chocolate."

Brittany narrows her eyes.

"Oh! Right... they didn't have it. I just thought maybe you could use some... chocolate sauce."

Brittany's mother shakes her head confusedly. But there is also something in her eyes that makes Brittany feel like she knows everything. She has always made Brittany feel like she's an open book.

"Your Dad already went to bed. He was really tired. Which means it'll be just the two of us for dessert." Brittany nods. "So why don't we cut the crap and you tell me where you really were, ok?"

Brittany's mouth falls open. Her mother shrugs.

"Oh please honey... chocolate sauce? After you got a text message? I may be almost sixty years old but I'm not blind. Who did you go see?"

She looks nervous, almost as if she's scared to find out the truth. Brittany swallows. She wanted to wait to tell her mother about Santana. Because she adored her wife so much and it broke her heart when Brittany left everyone behind. Not just because of her own loss but because she always knew how happy Brittany was with Santana and vice versa. Brittany closes her eyes for a moment.

"Ok, Mom. I guess you would have found out sooner or later anyways... me and Santana are talking again." She presses her lips together, scared about the reaction.

When she looks up to see her mother's face, she finds her with her hand on her chest before letting out a relieved sigh.

"Oh my God" She exhales with a shaky voice. "For a minute I thought you were going to say Noah Puckerman! I saw him with his father a few weeks ago, I think he lost his job - again. He now lives with his parents. When you went on that date with him I couldn't sleep all night."

Brittany shakes her head vehemently.

"Mom! Why would I go see Puckerman?! I haven't heard from him in years! I was what - _fifteen_ when we had a date?" Her mother nods with a disgusted look on her face.

Then her expression changes within seconds. Her eyes widen when she makes a step towards Brittany.

"Are you saying you and Santana have been in touch?"

The hope in her voice nearly kills Brittany.

"Mom we... we're trying to take things slow-"

"Things?" She interrupts Brittany with tears forming in her eyes and her hand making a fanning movement. "You're a _thing_ again?"

"Oh my God, mom!" Brittany hides her face in her hands. She shakes her head. That's exactly why she didn't want to tell her mother. She gets way to excited. Before she can say anything else, she hears her mother stepping close before pulling Brittany into a hug.

"Oh Brittany... I'm so happy." She mumbles into her ear.

Eventually Brittany wraps her arms around her mother, too. There's not point in trying to stop her from getting excited. They stay like this for a while until her mother lets go to step back.

"We're not together, ok?" Brittany makes sure carefully. "But we've been talking for a while now and we can't deny that there is still so much there. I'm just scared it'll get ruined. That's why I don't want you to tell Dad or anyone. We're still figuring everything out."

Brittany's mother nods with a warm smile.

"I understand," she says after a while. "but you really have to try to not blow this chance, ok? The two of you are meant to be together."

Brittany rolls her eyes.

"Thanks for putting even more pressure on me, mom. It's already enough knowing that you still ship me and Santana together."

Her mother looks confused when she wipes away a tear.

" _Shipping_? To where?" She wants to know when she goes back to doing the dishes in the sink.

Brittany snorts with laughter when she reaches for a towel to dry the many plates and bowls.

"You're the worst fan girl ever, mom. But I love you for it." Brittany mumbles when she leans in to press a kiss to her mother's cheek.

They finish the dishes in silence and after that eat delicious brownies in the living room while staring at the Christmas tree, both lost in thoughts.

* * *

 _ **Sorry for the long wait and short chapter - I'll try to update sooner this time.**_

 _ **Leave a comment if you feel like it and have a good day!**_


	10. Chapter 10

**So sorry for the long wait. Shame on me!**

* * *

"So what are your plans for New Year's Eve, Brittany?" Her father asks when they reach a very long line at the checkout counter.

After a few days of just doing nothing and relaxing at her parents' house, she was quite excited when her Dad asked her to join him to do the groceries this morning and get out of the house. Santana had to go back to New Haven for work but when they said goodbye to each other at the beginning of the week, Santana promised to be back at New Year's Eve so they could celebrate and start the new year together.

"Oh uh... I'll just hang out with some friends I guess. You know, old friends from high school." She says casually.

"Sounds good. You should have dinner with me and your mother first. You're going back to California soon, right?"

Brittany sighs. She has no idea what's going to happen once the holidays are over and everything goes back to normal. Santana lives here. Her job, her friends and family... while Los Angeles has become Brittany's home. She never knew for how long she'd stay there or if she'd like to go back to Connecticut one day. Quite a few things have changed but some are still the same. She's still a dancer. She has made friends in Los Angeles and her career is going really well.

"Yeah... I'd love to eat dinner with you guys."

"Good. You can also bring a friend or two of yours if you like? I guess you won't get to see them for a while after that."

Brittany nods. Her Dad is probably right. But she has no idea what he would say if she showed up with Santana.

Once they've paid for everything, they head back home but instead of turning into the driveway in front of their house, her Dad keeps driving. Only when they get closer to the town's Church, Brittany realizes what he has in mind.

"Uh Dad-"

"Brittany... You've closed your eyes long enough. I don't think it would be fair if you didn't go there once."

Brittany swallows painfully. She knows he is right. But she's not exactly prepared for this. Maybe you never are.

Once they've reached the church, they step out of the car to make their way to the cemetery. She becomes more nervous with each step and an incredible sadness overwhelms her when her Dad pulls a candle and matches from his pocket while approaching a grave that must be Isabel's.

At the funeral, Brittany only made it through the ceremony in church. Afterwards she went to cry her eyes out in her car while the rest of the family buried the ashes. Santana didn't leave her side but held Brittany's hand during her crying fits instead. It ripped Brittany's heart apart. She just couldn't stand the fact that Isabel's body was gone once and for all. Whenever she tried to visit the grave later, she always got sick to her stomach. She'd turn around to make her way back home as fast as possible.

But now there's no turning back. Her father's warm fingers wrap around her own until their hands hold each other tightly. She doesn't remember the last time he held her hand like this. It makes her feel like she's six years old again but safer than she ever could have imagined.

He squeezes her fingers gently when they come to a halt in front of a rather small but beautiful headstone. Instant tears start to roll down her cheeks when she reads her sister's name and the date of her birth as well as her death.

"It's ok, sweetie. It doesn't matter how much time passes, it's never too late."

Brittany lets her head rest against her Dad's shoulder while crying silently. It wasn't always easy to have a stable relationship with her Dad when she was younger and she can't blame him for being upset about the fact that she moved so far away. But right now they have each other, which feels good although she's sad.

"I'm so sorry, Dad", she mumbles under fresh tears. "For everything. Your loss of Isabel, me moving away. Just everything."

Her father lets her hand go to put his arm around Brittany's shoulders.

"Me, too, Brittany. I'm sorry, too." He says with another squeeze.

They stand there for a long time before her Dad lights a candle which he puts it into a small lantern. When they make their way back to the car, she looks at her Dad from the side. He gives her a warm smile. They don't have to say it out loud but Brittany knows that he's thankful and so is she.

* * *

On the 31st of December Brittany can no longer hide her excitement. When Santana texts her that she's packing her clothes to spent the weekend at her parents' house, she can't help but grin into her phone. She's been sitting in a Café for the past thirty minutes because her parents have a horrible internet connection.

"If it isn't Brittany S. Pierce"

Brittany jerks when she hears a voice right behind her. When she turns around in her chair, her grin grows even wider.

"Oh my God Rachel!"

She gets up to take the shorter brunette into a long hug. Once they let each other go Rachel shakes her head.

"It's been way too long. Santana told me you were here, we just spoke on the phone the other day. How are you?" She sits down opposite from Brittany. "Do you mind if I join you for a while? I'm on my way to visiting my Dads but I'm early."

"Of course not. It's so great to see you. I'm good, I'm staying with my parents for a while before I head back to California. My company will start a new show soon. How are you?"

"That sounds good. It's too bad though, I was hoping you'd join my team." Brittany narrows her eyes when Rachel winks at her. "When I heard that you and Santana are back in touch I thought I'd have to ask you. I'm working on an off-broadway production and we need a new choreographer. Any chance I could win you back to the East Coast?"

Rachel has a big smile on her face. Brittany has always liked her a lot although she's closer friends with Santana and they haven't spoken since Brittany left. It overwhelms her that Rachel wants to work with her after everything that happened.

"Oh wow that's uh... I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do in general actually. My whole life is in California but lately I've been thinking a lot about everything. You should see my mom these days. And even my Dad seems to sincerely be happy to have me around."

Rachel shakes her head in disbelief.

"Of course he is, Brittany. You're their daughter. But think about it... is really your whole life over there?" She wants to know with a meaningful voice. "Santana" She adds when Brittany only gives her a questioning look.

Of course Rachel is right. Santana is the one person who matters the most. Nothing seems clearer on her mind after two years of not being with the woman she's in love with. Sometimes she has no idea how she made it so long. But it's probably just like Jennifer Aniston said to Mark Ruffalo in Brittany's favorite scene of movie history. She _can_ live without Santana. But she doesn't _want_ to.

"Brittany? I'm sorry if I overstepped. We haven't talked in such a long time and I already ask you to turn your life upside down. Forget what I said, ok?"

Brittany reciprocates Rachel apologetic smile.

"Don't worry Miss Berry. I think what you said is just what I needed. Do you mind if we talk more later? There's something I have to do."

Rachel looks at her confusedly but nods.

"Sure. Oh but Brittany!" Brittany has already gotten up from the table to put her jacket on. She waits to look down at the brunette. "If you guys don't know what to do around midnight, you should come over to my parents' place. I'm having a little get-together and we can do karaoke in the basement!"

Brittany laughs. Then she leans down to give Rachel another quick hug.

"Sounds great. See you then!"

Rachel shouts a bye after her when Brittany makes quick steps to leave the Café.

* * *

She keeps throwing glances at her phone but Santana still hasn't answered her last message when she asked her to join the Pierce family for dinner. Her mom would be so happy to see Santana again and Brittany wants to make Santana understand that she's being serious when says that she still loves her. She wants her wife to know that she'd do anything to get them back together even if it means she'll have to wait another two years until Santana's ready, too.

She types another quick message to let Santana know what time her parents are having dinner. Then she puts the phone into her pocket to go back to cutting vegetables. Her Dad is standing right next to her in the kitchen. He's reading Brittany's grandmother's recipe for their favorite meatloaf over and over again. They always made it at New Year's Eve when Brittany and Isabel we're still kids and allowed to stay up late.

"Dad? Remember when you said I could bring a friend for dinner tonight?" Brittany asks casually.

"Yes" He replies calmly with his eyes not leaving the recipe.

"Would it be ok if... if that friend was Santana?"

This makes her Dad abandon the piece of paper. He eyes her from the side with a scrutinizing look.

"Your _wife_ Santana?"

Brittany laughs awkwardly.

"Yes. Unless you know another one with that name."

He scratches his forehead before focusing on the recipe once more.

"All I know is that you left her two years ago without looking back. So I'm sorry for making sure we're talking about the same girl. I mean... does she even want to come?"

Brittany's cheeks get hot when she hears her Dad's reproachful voice.

"Well - she hasn't answered my text, yet but of course she wants to. I mean I think so... what do you mean without looking back? I tried to call her so many times but she never answered. So it was pretty clear to me that she didn't want to talk to me ever again." Brittany can hear her own voice tremble.

"You _called_ her... that's right." Her Dad mumbles. Brittany can't believe this. Her Dad was never too fond of their relationship. Now suddenly he's making her feel bad about ending it? "That's all you did? And you think you tried hard?"

Brittany wants to protest but when her Dad gives her another look, she closes her mouth.

"You know... when your mother and I started marriage counseling after we lost Isabel, we were pretty sure about getting a divorce."

Brittany almost cuts her finger with the sharp knife she's been cutting potatoes with.

"What?" She exclaims in shock. Her Dad shrugs his shoulders.

"We fought almost every day about small and stupid things. We both couldn't forgive ourselves for not getting Isabel to the hospital on time. Luckily we realized at one point that we don't want to live without each other and that we can work through this together. But we're _still_ working on it. Marriage is hard work."

Brittany swallows. She doesn't think she's ever talked so much to her Dad since she's been here in her whole life. It feels good but it's also painful. She missed out on so much. Here they are, talking about the things they should have a long time ago. Maybe they could have worked on it, too. But she's the one who ran away.

"You don't think I deserve a second chance, do you?" She wants to know, preparing herself for an honest answer.

"Brittany... this _is_ your second chance." Her Dad says firmly. Brittany knits her brows in utter confusion.

"I know that! That's why I want her to have dinner with us. To show her that I'm serious-"

"If that's all you're gonna do then I'm afraid you'll push her away again." Brittany is speechless. She watches her Dad walking towards the fridge to get some ingredients. "Your mother already told me that you and Santana are talking again. Don't be mad at her. We discuss everything. I think it's nice of you to invite her for dinner. But you're going to have to try a lot harder than that, Brittany. This isn't just for fun. I hope you start realizing that marriage is not something you can walk away from anytime you feel like it's getting a little inconvenient and then return when _you're_ ready."

"Dad... That's not what I'm gonna do! I know I've made so many mistakes. But I need to find out if Santana even wants to give us another chance-"

"Your wife has done enough. It's your turn but you have to take it more seriously!" Brittany jerks when her Dad slams the refrigerator shut. "She came to me and your mother after you left. We gave her the name of the hotel you were staying at for the first couple of weeks. I don't know if she flew to L.A. back then but I know that she came to us for advice again just a few months ago. She asked for your address and if we knew some Cafés or bars you'd go to. Your mother and I had no idea where you and your friends hang out all the time but we did give her the address. We also told her that you're living there with your partner. She said she'd try her luck in the area you live on her upcoming business trip."

Brittany stares at her Dad. He tells her all of this without batting an eye. Santana came after her? She asked her _parents_ for advice? She wanted to go to bars where Brittany hangs out sometimes? So they'd run into each other? Is this why they met again? Is this the most romantic thing she's ever heard?

"Dinner is not enough, sweetie. If you really want to be with her, you have to prove it and you have to do it with all your heart. Are you done with those vegetables?"

Brittany looks down at the big bowl of potatoes and carrots.

"Yes?" She mumbles with a dry throat.

"Good. Then what are you waiting for?" Brittany opens her mouth to ask if he could be more specific but he's quicker. "Pick her up! Go get flowers or something, I don't know what you ladies do these days but don't just stand there and do nothing. Because you've done enough of that."

Without another word her Dad goes back to studying the recipe. She knows that their conversation is now over so she leaves the kitchen with quick steps.

Hastily she pulls the phone from her pocket to dial Santana's number. When she doesn't pick up, Brittany hurries upstairs to change into fresh clothes. She renews her make-up, puts on Santana's favorite perfume from when they were younger and empties her suitcase onto the floor until she finds what she's looking for.

She bites her lip when she holds her wedding ring between her fingers. She doesn't know why but she has a feeling it'll bring her luck tonight.

* * *

She stops the engine of her Dad's car at a red light. Quickly she checks her phone. Still no message. She shakes her head. Santana's family must be keeping her busy. She grins when she pictures the brunette standing in kitchen with her brothers, everyone talking at the same time and a delicious scent of her mother's cooking in the air. She used to love it at the Lopez house.

She wonders what Mrs. Lopez will have to say when Brittany's going to ring the door bell in a couple of minutes. But she's more than ready to stand in front of her whole family and ask all of them for a second chance.

So when she pulls into the driveway of the Lopez house a while later, she can't hide the grin on her face while an excitement fills her heart. She doesn't remember the last time she was that nervous. She has no idea, yet what she's going to say to the love of her life. She just wants to hold her in her arms and never let her go. That should be a good start.

When she wants to jump out of the car she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket.

"Now I'm already here", she mumbles to herself with a chuckle. She grabs the phone and hesitates for a second when she doesn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

 _"This is Maggie Johnson from the local hospital. Am I talking to a Brittany Pierce?"_

Brittany can feel her smile freeze and her heart skipping a beat.

"Y-yes? This is her."

 _"Are you the wife of Santana Marie Lopez?"_

"Yes, I am."

 _"Ms. Pierce I have to inform you that your wife has been in an accident. Is it possible for you to get here so we can give you more information?"_

Brittany closes her eyes. This has to be a dream she's going to wake up from any second. But moments pass and nothing happens.

"Ms. Pierce?"

"Yes - of course. I'm- I'm coming! I'm on my way." She hurries to say before she hangs up the phone, throws it onto the passengers seat and starts the engine. She steps on the gas once she's back on the road.

Cold sweat is forming on her back. She has to grab the steering wheel so hard to make her fingers stop shaking. Millions of thoughts shoot through her head. Why didn't she ask the lady on the phone what happened? She probably wouldn't have told her anything more than what she said. But when a person dies, do they have to tell you on the phone? Does that mean Santana is ok but she can't talk on the phone right now? Is she maybe in surgery because she broke a leg on her way to her parents' house? She always wears these incredibly high pumps even in winter. It was only a matter of time when something would happen.

Maybe she had a sudden feeling of faintness because she didn't drink enough water all day and someone standing next to her at the train station called an ambulance. Or she had an allergic reaction because she ate something with hazelnuts in it. It happened once before they got married. Brittany had to drive her to the doctor because she had trouble breathing after eating her grandma's cookies.

She's driving way too fast but she has to get there as soon as possible because what if it's not an allergic reaction and not just a broken leg? Didn't the lady say there was an accident?

Brittany's cheeks are burning, her heart racing and her mind picturing everything she's scared of the most.

"No!" She screams and covers her mouth right away. "No" She repeats with a gentler voice to calm herself. "She's ok. She's definitely ok."

She wipes away a tear that wants to roll down her cheek but she needs a clear vision to make her way to the hospital safely. She pulls herself together. She's going to start the new year with Santana. She won't accept anything else.

* * *

She doesn't know how much times passes. It feels like an eternity but she manages to find the parking lots near the emergency right away. As soon as she stumbles inside, an employee asks her to take a seat while he'll go look for the doctor in charge. Brittany's legs shake when she sits down next to en elder man who's staring at the floor.

She pulls her phone from her pocket. She has no idea what to do. Should she call Santana's parents right away? Or maybe she should wait because what if she can take Santana with her right away because she only has a sprained ankle or something. She doesn't want to scare her parents over nothing. But then again why didn't Santana call her herself? Why didn't she answer all her texts earlier?!

Brittany is close to tears of desperation.

"Ms. Pierce?" A voice snaps her back from her thoughts.

"Yes?" Brittany gets up quickly. A woman wearing scrubs is standing in front of her. They shake hands. Brittany gets sick to her stomach.

"I'm Doctor Hanson. What have you been told about the condition of your wife so far?" The woman asks with a calm voice. It makes Brittany feel a little bit better. But the question makes her feel worse. What condition?

"Just that there must have been an accident. I know nothing. Please - what's going on?" Brittany stammers desperately. She tries to hold tears back.

"If you would follow me, Ms. Pierce?" Doctor Hanson asks gently. When they start walking, Brittany wipes away the hot tears rolling down her face. "Your wife has been in a car accident."

Brittany starts crying. She can't help it or hold back. She can only cry and try to listen. She follows Dr. Hanson but her legs dare to give in any second.

"Please take a seat" The doctor says when they come across some more chairs. Brittany sinks onto a chair and accepts a paper tissue that's being reached out to her. Dr. Hanson doesn't sit down but stands there with her hands folded in front of her body. She's got thin blonde hair and she's wearing glasses. Her brown eyes give Brittany a warm smile before she continues.

"Ms. Lopez was sitting in the backseat of a cab when they apparently had to come to a hard stop to prevent hitting a cyclist. But a following van wasn't able to stop in time and crashed the cab. We've been told that Ms. Lopez was unconscious and not wearing a seatbelt when the ambulance arrived at the accident. The crash caused a head injury. We're still running tests to make sure she's not suffering from a brain bleeding. It looks like your wife is lucky with a bad concussion though. She's also got a broken right arm as well as several bruises."

Brittany starts crying all over again. The relief of knowing that Santana is alive but the thought of her being in pain and waking up without a familiar face around, makes her going through hundreds of emotions at the same time.

"I have to get back but it looks like you can come see your wife in about half an hour. You can go to the front desk if you need a phone to make some calls. Someone will come get you as soon as possible. Alright?"

Brittany nods. She tries to thank Dr. Hanson with a smile which gets reciprocated before she leaves Brittany's sight.

Once Brittany has dried her tears and blown her nose, she grabs her phone. When she pulls it out of her pocket something falls to the floor right between Brittany's feet. She looks down to see that it's her wedding ring.

Brittany bends down to pick it up. She shakes her head when she holds it between her fingers. She wanted to show it to Santana tonight and ask if she still has her own. She wanted to give it to her wife to keep until Santana would be ready to give their marriage another try and put it back on Brittany's ring finger. It sounded like a very romantic idea in her head. Now it seems silly.

Lost in thoughts she puts it on. It feels familiar. Perfect. She gazes at it. She loved wearing that ring so much.

She startles when her phone starts ringing. It's her mother. Mothers have that higher sense where they know something's going on. Quickly she picks up.

"Mom... I'm at the hospital. I'm ok but... Santana is hurt." She manages to tell her mother what happened before she breaks into another crying fit and hears her mother say that she'll make her way to the Lopez family to inform them right away.

* * *

Just like Dr. Hanson said, a nurse comes to get her about thirty minutes later. She guides Brittany down the hallway and into an examination room. When she steps inside she can see Dr. Hanson standing next to a bed. And there she is.

Santana lies in bed peacefully. Brittany makes her way over to her wife with trembling legs. But every step she gets closer, she starts feeling better. She's there. She's breathing. She's alive.

"She's asleep. It's a pretty bad concussion. She needs a lot of rest but she's going to be ok." Dr. Hanson says when Brittany steps close to the bed. She holds her breath when she reaches her hand out to cover Santana's.

"Be careful with her arm" Dr. Hanson reminds her of the broken arm. Brittany gently strokes the soft skin on Santana's slightly swollen hand. A few scratches grace her fingers, her left cheek and her forehead.

"Babe" Brittany whispers softly when she carefully caresses Santana's cheek. "I'm here... you're ok."

She beholds every inch of Santana's body. She's wearing a light blue hospital gown. Her hair is open. Brittany can see a thin line of dried blood on her temple.

When she looks up at Dr. Hanson, she manages to smile at her.

"Thank you doctor. For making sure she's ok." Dr. Hanson nods.

"Of course. She was very lucky."

Brittany knows she's right. They stand there for another while in silence until Dr. Hanson gets called to another case. Carefully Brittany pulls a chair close to the bed so she can sit down next to her sleeping wife. She takes Santana's healthy hand into her own to hold it gently. Her skin is warm. She watches Santana's chest go up and down steadily. It makes Brittany feel endlessly relieved.

She lifts Santana's fingers up a few inches so she can press her lips against them. She'll stay here all night. She doesn't care. She'll be here when Santana wakes up.


	11. Chapter 11

_interlude_

I felt sick to my stomach when I stepped into the kitchen. My brothers were already sitting at the kitchen counter with their bowls of cereal in front of them. There was no way I could eat breakfast that day.

"Santana hurry up. We're leaving in ten minutes. You don't want to be late on your first day of school, right?" My mother yelled from the living room.

I closed my eyes when I took a seat next to my younger brother. He was definitely going to join the football team. It was easy for him to make new friends. He was good looking, super outgoing and loved meeting new people.

"Mom... you make it sound like it's my first day of school in general. It's just a new school, that's all. I'm sure everything works the same." I mumbled when I grabbed a spoon. Already the thought of drinking milk made me want to gag.

"Make sure to be nice to your new classmates. You'll make friends in no time. You're eighteen and such a pretty girl." My mother gave me a pointed look.

I could only roll my eyes at the thought of having to talk to all these new kids.

* * *

My cheeks were burning. I just hit the girl in front of me with the ball. For the second time. I was looking forward to gym class on my first day but when I realized we were going to play volleyball, I got nervous. I loved dancing. I loved running. I loved climbing a freaking tree. But ball sports made me look like a toddler.

The blonde slowly turned around. She had an annoyed look on her face, which I couldn't blame her for.

"Really?" She asked with her hands on her hips.

I closed my eyes for a moment to gather my thoughts. I missed my old school, my friends, my grandparents. Why did my Dad get a job offer here? Why was I not old enough to live on my own so I could move back?

"I'm sorry" I mumbled embarrassed when I opened my eyes to look at the blonde. "I-"

"Wasn't ready, yeah" The blonde finished my sentence. "Can we switch positions?"

I nodded when she was already walking towards me.

When I made my way to the net I threw a look over my shoulder only to quickly lower my glance because blue eyes were still darting at me.

The minutes passed incredibly slow after that but when the teacher finally sent us to our next period, I was extremely relieved. Except when I got to the locker room and found that my phone was no longer in my bag, I started to panic. Somebody must have had stolen it because I definitely remembered putting it there before. I could hear some girls snickering once I had emptied my whole bag to make sure I didn't have it anymore.

"Is everything ok, new girl?"

I turned around to see a brunette giving me an innocent look. She whispered something to her friends when I stepped into the classroom this morning. Her name was Mandy and she was the head cheerleader.

"Uhm... yeah. Sure." I mumbled while packing my things back into the bag. I felt close to tears but I wasn't going to show any signs of weakness on my very first day. Apart from my failure at volleyball before...

Once Mandy and her friends had left the locker room I sank onto one of the benches and let my hands run through my hair. I couldn't believe how great my first day was going. I was already making enemies.

"Give me your number" I looked up in confusion. The blonde from before was standing next to me and holding her phone out to me. "Mandy has done this before and I'm not going to let her get away with it anymore."

I took the blonde's phone to type my number into it although I wasn't sure what the plan was.

"She's a sneaky bitch but she's also dumb."

"Oh... right" I answered because I had no idea what else to say. I wasn't expecting the blonde to help me after what I did to her during volleyball earlier.

"What's your name?" The girl wanted to know when she took the phone back and was already about to leave the locker room.

"Santana" I muttered before she smiled at me quickly.

"I'm Brittany!" Then she was gone. I shook my head because I had no idea what she was going to do with my number. What if Brittany was actually Mandy's friend and just pretending to help me?

Yet I couldn't help but hope strongly that she wasn't because there was something about her friendly smile that made me feel just a little bit better.

* * *

Somehow I managed to make it through lunchtime without dropping the tray to catch the whole cafeteria's attention or embarrassing myself any other way and even got into talking to some of the other girls who were in some of my classes. I still felt a little uneasy because I didn't have my phone, which would have been a nice distraction.

I didn't see the blonde anymore until I stepped into history class later where I was pleasantly surprised to see her sitting in the last row talking to her seatmate.

She looked up when I approached a table close to hers. Our eyes met for a second before I sat down, still wondering what she was going to do with my number. When Mandy and her friends walked into the room, I sighed inwardly because I was hoping not to see her stupid grin anymore that day. She sat down in the first row when the teacher got up from his own table to start writing something down on the blackboard.

Most students started copying it into their notebooks right away but I got distracted when I saw the blonde moving in the corner of my eye. I turned my head to observe how she pulled her phone out of her backpack before throwing another quick look at me.

Five seconds later a phone started ringing in the first row. It was definitely my ringtone. My eyes widened when I saw the blonde covering her mouth with her hand after winking at me once.

The teacher turned around to look at Mandy.

"Mandy this is the third time in a row that your phone rings in history class. Last time I warned you about detention."

"But Sir, my phone isn't ringing. I have a different ringtone." Mandy protested. I could see how her friend sitting next to her kicked her leg under the table.

"Don't mock me young lady. It's pretty clear that the noise is coming from the bag under your table." The teacher said with an annoyed look on his face.

"Mr. Kruger, I think Mandy is telling the truth" I turned around to watch Brittany shrugging her shoulders before speaking up again. "It's not _her_ phone that's ringing in her bag."

Mr. Kruger narrowed his eyes before stepping closer to Mandy.

"Mandy hand over the phone." He commanded impatiently. The phone was still ringing when Mandy finally reached under the table to pull the phone out of her bag.

"Whose phone is this then?" Mr. Kruger wanted to know when he held my phone up for everyone to see. I raised my hand insecurely.

"Mine, Mr. Kruger. I couldn't find it after gym class."

The teacher made his way over to my table to put the phone down.

"Turn it on silent next time. Mandy you're going to see the principal after school. You will have to explain how another student's phone found its way into your bag."

Mandy threw a glare at me over her shoulder. I didn't know what had gotten into me when I blew her a kiss as a response but it felt amazing. I could hear some kids laughing at my reaction, which made Mandy's cheeks turn dark red.

When I turned my head to seek Brittany's face, she was already glancing at me. She held her pencil in her hand and her lips were toying with it.

Quickly I muted my phone when I watched her typing a message into hers. Just moments later the screen on my phone lit up with a text from an unknown number.

 **Meet me after class?**

I typed a response as fast as I could because I didn't want Mr. Kruger to see me.

 **Sure.**

* * *

The weeks after that first day at school were amazing. Brittany and I became friends instantly after I thanked her for getting my phone back by inviting her for ice cream. We spent a lot of time together after school, at school, during the holdidays... we became quite close but there was still a certain distance between us when it came to talking about boys or stuff like that. It was almost like she didn't want to hear about how I got asked out sometimes. When I dated the quarterback of the football team, she interrupted me in the middle of telling her about the disaster of sleeping with him for the first time. She snapped at me and said that she didn't want to hear it. After that we never really talked about boys anymore. Only when Brittany became the girlfriend of Aaron Michaels and spent almost every evening at his place, I hit her up after school one day.

"So you and Aaron, huh?" I asked casually when I accompanied her to the parking lots where I knew Aaron would be waiting to drive her home. Brittany gave me a quick look.

"Yeah? What about it?" She wanted to know although I could tell she was getting annoyed.

"Nothing... I was just wondering when you and I would get to work on our science project since you're spending all your time with him. It's due on Monday and we haven't even started, yet. Are you gonna be with him all weekend?"

Brittany stopped walking when we were getting closer to Aaron's car. She faced me.

"What's up with you? We're going to the movies tonight but I'm not going to be with him on the weekend because of the science project, so chill out."

I crossed my arms because I felt silly for my little outburst instantly but didn't want to show it.

"Ok, good." I mumbled while looking at the ground. Brittany was wearing white sneakers and skinny jeans.

"Do you want to join us to the movies?" Brittany asked after a while. I snorted at the idea of sitting next to Brittany and Aaron at the movie theater and listening to them making out.

"Uh no thanks?" I laughed when I looked up at Brittany's face. She slowly shook her head.

"Ok whatever" She said with a shrug. "Come over to my place tomorrow when you're back to normal. I have to go now."

She gave me another insecure look before walking away towards Aaron's car.

"Yeah have fun!" I yelled after her. I felt anger inside of me. Or was it disappointment? It was something I had never felt before.

* * *

We didn't get to finish the science project on time and got really bad grades. It caused our first pretty nasty fight with yelling things at each other that we regretted later. That evening she rang my doorbell with a shy expression on her face. I wasn't sure if she had been crying but her eyes looked very sad. She apologized for everything she said and for spending so much time with Aaron.

I apologized as well and told her that it was ok to be with Aaron as much as she wanted.

"Just don't forget me, ok?" I whispered when we hugged it out. Brittany didn't answer right away. Only when her embrace got tighter she mumbled it into my ear.

"How could I ever forget about you?"

When we let go off each other I wanted to say something else but her blue eyes, pink cheeks and that one teardrop rolling down her face shut me off. I swallowed. She stared. Then my mother yelled something about dinner from inside the house. Brittany cleared her throat and waved at me awkwardly before leaving me standing there confusedly.

After our first fight Brittany asked me to hang out much more often again. Aaron started to give me weird looks whenever I picked her up from his place in the early morning hours. I could tell he didn't like me and well, I didn't like him, either.

Whenever Brittany and I walked around school together and Aaron would cross our way, I immediately excused myself because I had to be somewhere. There was no way I was going to watch them being happy together. It just did something to me.

But it took me another few weeks to realize what exactly it was that it did to me. It was at a party where I got drunk and came to the realization that I was jealous of Aaron.

He had that stupid grin on his face when he pulled Brittany into his lap while sitting in one of the chairs in the living room. My favorite party song just started playing in the background but I didn't feel like dancing anymore when I watched Brittany playfully pushing his face away as he tried to kiss her.

At first I was able to ignore it. The way they danced with each other, how others tried to talk to Brittany as soon as Aaron went to grab a drink or how Brittany kept throwing those looks at me as if I had done something wrong but she wouldn't tell me what. But when Brittany pulled me close to her in the middle of everyone dancing, I lost it. It's not that I didn't want to dance with her or have fun together or enjoy the night with my friend but it felt overwhelming. The way she grabbed my hips and the way her fingers felt on my skin when they accidentally reached a few inches up my shirt. The way she stared at my lips when I tried to push her hands away. The way she apologized when I didn't even know what for.

I wanted to ask her. Why she never gave me that much attention when Aaron was around. Why something felt special about our friendship. But I couldn't speak. My heart was racing and my legs felt weak. I didn't even want to be there anymore.

"I need some fresh air", I managed to say before I turned away from Brittany and stormed off. She yelled my name but I was so dizzy.

I stumbled through the front door to get to the porch where I wanted to sit down on the stairs but I didn't make it that far. Strong arms caught me from falling.

"Lopez? Everything ok?"

I looked up into Puck's face.

"Sure. Thanks..." I mumbled when Puck made a step back and handed me his beer.

"You look like you could use a drink."

I stared at the bottle. It felt like I was on autopilot when I took the bottle to take a sip and then put it down on the windowsill. Before I realized what I was doing, I grabbed Puck's shirt to pull him close so I could press my lips against his.

He seemed surprised at first but quickly wrapped his arms around my middle to kiss me back. We had hooked up a few times but we both didn't like the idea of being a couple so that was it. And at that moment I was sincerely happy to see him so I could forget about Brittany's hands on my skin by smelling his strong aftershave. But it didn't last long. After only a minute of making out on the porch I had to push him away. The idea of going back to his place suddenly felt extremely wrong. I couldn't get all these other thoughts out of my head. Those weird feelings.

"What's wrong?" Puck wanted to know. I shook my head and mumbled an apology. Then I turned around to go back inside but somebody was standing in my way.

"I thought that story was over?" Brittany asked with an eyebrow pulled up. She gave Puck a quick look over my shoulder. He muttered something to excuse himself before disappearing inside the house.

My head was still spinning. I must have had way too much to drink.

"I don't think you get a say in who I make out with" I tried to sound sober but I must have failed miserably because Brittany shook her head with a judgmental look.

"You're right. I don't even know why I was worried about you or why I wanted to make sure you're ok. You've been acting completely weird lately." She said with a voice that dared to fail her.

My mouth fell open but I was incapable to protest. Why was she suddenly so upset and what made her think she could talk to me like that? So instead of giving her an answer or dissing her right back, I turned around on my heels to storm off again. I made my way through the front yard.

"Bye Santana! Oh and you know what I've always wanted to tell you?" I clenched my fists when I heard Brittany's voice but I didn't turn around. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction. "You're terrible at volleyball! No really, you suck at it!" She yelled when I was already passing the little garden gate. With quick steps and fuming inside, I made my way home.

* * *

It took us a little longer to recover from our second fight. We didn't speak for a whole week. When she entered history class on a Friday afternoon, it was of course the seat next to me that was the only one not taken, yet. I couldn't deny to myself that I was happy to see her and to hear her whispering a "Hey" first.

At first we didn't even look at each other but when the teacher quickly excused himself to go make some more copies, Brittany turned to look at me.

"I'm sorry about what I said at the party", she began. "It wasn't in my place to say something about Puck. It just surprised me. You always said that you didn't even like him and I know he can be a douche."

I finally gave in to look up into her eyes.

"No, you were right... I don't know why I did that. He was there when I was upset. But I only felt worse afterwards."

Brittany narrowed her eyes.

"Why were you so upset? Was it because I tried to dance with you? I thought we were having a good time, you know? I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just missed having fun with you and so I thought why not... but I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize", I interrupted Brittany. "I have no idea why I acted like an idiot that night. I'm really sorry, too."

We gazed at each other wordlessly when the teacher came back. I didn't know what else to say.

* * *

Things went back to normal once again after that. I decided to forget about what I had felt inside at the party and to just continue with our friendship like before.

It worked until a few weeks later where Brittany called me late at night to ask if I could come over to her place. I could tell she was trying to hold back tears so I grabbed my Mom's car keys to make my way over to Brittany's. It was a warm spring night when I pulled into her driveway. Brittany was already sitting outside on the steps that lead to the porch. She smiled weakly when I walked up to her but when I sat down as well, she started crying.

"I broke up with Aaron." She sobbed when I put my arm around her. "He got upset when I told him that I didn't feel like sleeping with him because we haven't done it in two weeks. But I just don't feel like it and he doesn't get it. If it was about him we'd sleep with each other every single time but I don't need that."

I squeezed Brittany gently when she wiped some tears off.

"Am I weird for not wanting to sleep with him all the time? I don't get it!"

"No, Brittany you're not being weird." I said while shaking my head. "It's a good thing you told him how you feel and if he can't understand or accept your needs as much as his own then he's not worth it."

Brittany nodded. After a while of being silent she admitted that she had thought about breaking up with Aaron for quite a while. We sat there for a long time until Brittany's mother opened the front door behind us to ask if everything was ok. She gave me a warm smile when Brittany explained to her what happened.

"Thank you Santana for coming over. Would you like to sleep here or do you have to go back home?"

I gave Brittany a quick look. She nodded hopefully.

"I'll have to call my mother but if you don't mind me staying here then I'd like to of course." I said with a smirk when Brittany couldn't hide a grin, either.

Mrs. Pierce held the door open for us when we got up to guide us to the kitchen where two cups of cocoa were already waiting for us.

* * *

Our senior year went by so quickly. Before I knew it I was going to law school while Brittany found her passion in studying dance and theater. We didn't see each other as often as before anymore but we always made sure to at least get together once a month and tell each other everything about our times at college.

On a Friday she had the day off so she came to pick me up after my last lecture. She was already standing outside on campus when I stepped out of the building. She smiled at me when I made my way towards her.

"Santana wait a minute!" I turned around to see who was calling my name. It was Grace, a friend of my roommate. "You forgot your phone in the lecture hall!"

I slapped the palm of my hand against my forehead and thanked her for running after me.

"No problem. But uh... I thought I'd let you know that I saved my number in it." She said when she handed me the phone back. Her fingers touched the back of my hand.

I was taken off guard.

"You... did?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Make sure to call me if you ever feel like hanging out or something" She added with a wonderful smile and a wink of the eye. "See you around"

Then she was gone. I slowly turned around. I was beyond confused. Brittany eyed me weirdly when I reached her. She asked if I was ok. I had to laugh.

"Yeah! I'm ok I just... I think I just got hit on by a girl."

Brittany's eyes widened.

"What did she say?" She wanted to know.

I told her what happened which caused Brittany to grin, too.

"Are you gonna call her?"

I thought about it. She was definitely very attractive and I did have a feeling that she had been checking me out when my roommate introduced me to her a couple days ago. It was also clear to me that I liked girls. A lot. At one point I just couldn't ignore it anymore and kissed my roommate Jen after drinking too much wine one night. She told me she was gay on our very first day as roommates. It hit home when she told me about her first attraction to girls and how she had come out to her family but at that time I wasn't ready to dig any deeper about my own sexuality.

But when we kissed one night, everything started to make sense. It never happened again though. We laughed about it the next day and decided that we were better off as friends.

"Maybe... I mean she was hot, right?" I said with a dreamy voice. Brittany's look on her face pulled me back to reality. She seemed insecure.

When I told her about my increasing attraction towards girls a while ago, she didn't have much to say about it. Actually she said nothing about it. So I didn't bring it up again until right now.

"Totally" Brittany agreed with a nod.

Then she neatly changed the subject when we started walking. I didn't even realize at first. Only when we were sitting in a restaurant a while later I wondered why we never talked about our love lives to each other. I knew she was seeing a guy she met at dance school but I still felt weird whenever I pictured Brittany with somebody by her side. How they went to dinner together, laughed together, slept together... I didn't want to hear about it.

* * *

A week later Brittany asked me to join her to a club with some of her friends since we hadn't partied together in forever. That was the night we started flirting with each other. Not just a little bit. We used every possibility to tease each other. She'd push my arm playfully whenever I said something to make her laugh or blush. I had no idea where it came from. Memories came back to me when we started dancing with her friends. Memories from high school. Evenings I'd spend at her place, countless parties where we couldn't keep our eyes off each other but had no idea what the hell that meant.

When I wrapped my arms around her neck during a song that made my insides tingle, Brittany pulled me close to her. We didn't speak a word, we just enjoyed every minute. If we hadn't been surrounded by so many people and Brittany's friends, I would have kissed her. But I also didn't want to ruin anything. Maybe she was just having fun without thinking what I was thinking. Maybe she still only liked me as a friend so I wasn't going to risk that although it took all of my willpower to resist.

When we said goodbye to each other many hours later, she hugged me tightly and said that we should repeat that soon.

We did repeat it. Again and again. We went dancing almost every weekend. We flirted, we touched, we got lost in each other's eyes. But we never kissed. Not until that one evening where Brittany came over to watch a movie. My roommate Jen was out with friends so we had the room to ourselves.

We watched the whole movie without speaking a word. Brittany seemed to be very interested in the storyline. Or maybe she was just trying to tease me. Because when my hand wandered to her thigh while lying next to each other on my tiny bed, Brittany sighed. As if she had been waiting for something like that to happen. It still came unexpected when she suddenly leaned in for a kiss. I had to push her back at first because I wasn't ready. For a second I was scared. What if the kiss felt wrong? What if it ruined everything we had? But before I knew it I grabbed her shoulders to pull her as close as possible and to guide our lips together for a kiss that completely took my breath away. It's not what I had expected or imagined. It was a thousand times better.

We made out all night and said goodbye to each other with bruised lips in the early morning hours.

The next time my roommate Jen was absent for the night, Brittany came over again. She attacked my lips and neck as soon as I had closed the door behind her. She pushed me on the bed, started to undress me and hungrily kissed my lips in between. It was the first time we slept with each other. The first time I enjoyed sex. It was... incredible.

* * *

About three months later I found myself standing in the front yard of Brittany's parents' house. It was a hot evening during the summer holidays. I was sweating when I looked at the rose in my hand again. It was beautiful and I knew what I was going to say. I was going to tell Brittany about all those feelings that I had always had ever since I met her. About those sleepless nights because I couldn't stop thinking about her. About the realization that I was in love.

I knew what I was going to say. It was all ready in my head. So when she opened the door after I finally managed to ring the bell, I took a deep breath to confess. But the way Brittany was standing there with her long blonde hair, her radiant smile... all was gone. She took the rose I gave to her and guided it to her nose. I opened my mouth to speak. But the way she smiled when she realized that her appearance obviously took my breath away, made me lose ground.

She was the one.

Then she made a step towards me to take me into an embrace. Her scent and her soft skin made me close my eyes. It still got me insecure. I swallowed. The way she made me feel so much at once. It was too overwhelming.

I couldn't speak what was on my mind. So I said what I came for in the first place.

"Happy birthday"

Brittany made a step back to look at me. She squeezed my hand that had found its way into hers.

"Thank you" She replied with a smile. She waited a few seconds. Then her blue eyes locked with mine. "I love you, Santana"

I stared at her. My heart jumped.

I love you, Santana...

Santana...

* * *

"Santana?"

My eyes fly open. My throat feels dry. An awful pain shoots through my head. I can only make out a blurred shape in front of me. A warm hand caresses mine. Something touches my cheek. I blink several times. Then I can see the person sitting close to me.

* * *

 **Leave a note if you feel like it and let me know your thoughts!**

 **bobbieyoung**


	12. Chapter 12

**It's a short chapter to let you know I'm still working on the story but life just got in the way. But I really want to finish it :)**

* * *

She holds her breath.

"Santana?" Brittany repeats. Her heart starts pumping faster when she realizes that her wife is awake, her eyes resting on Brittany. "Can you hear me?"

Santana nods slowly which causes her to close her eyes in pain.

"Don't move, honey. Try to stay still, ok? I'll get the doctor." Brittany mutters under her breath when she's about to get up to call a nurse.

"Excuse me" Santana's voice is raspy and weak. The confusion in that voice scares Brittany. "Who are you?"

Brittany's heart skips a beat. She shakes her head when she stares at the most important person in her life. This isn't happening. It's going to be temporary. Because of the concussion. Santana will remember everything. This is just a nightmare.

Brittany tries to find words. But she's utterly lost. Then her wife smiles.

She actually grins at her.

"Kidding" Santana whispers.

Brittany bursts into tears right away. The relief overwhelms her while the fear still lingers. She buries her face in Santana's arm while holding her hand tightly.

"Oh no I'm sorry" Santana's raspy voice sounds remorseful. Brittany can feel Santana's hand squeezing hers. It calms her. "I'm sorry. I'm ok. But my head is killing me. What happened? I remember sitting in that cab and the driver shouted something before the crash. Oh my God what happened to my right arm? It freaking hurts."

Brittany quickly wipes away her tears. She leans in to press her lips gently against Santana's to make her stop talking. She wants her to stay calm.

"There was a cyclist and a van crashed your cab which caused a concussion and a broken arm. Do you have any idea how worried I was?" The last words are only a whisper. Santana closes her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Britt..."

Brittany shakes her head. She's lost for words. She has never been this scared in her whole life. Not when she was twelve and jumped off a cliff to dive into the water during summer vacation. Not when she was fifteen and watched a horror movie late at night when she was home alone and heard a noise in the backyard. Not even when Isabel got a high fever and had to be rushed to the hospital. Because back then Brittany had no idea what it means to lose a loved person.

Now she knows. And the thought of losing another one, the most important one makes her feel like she's suffocating.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything" Brittany mutters under fresh tears. She manages to look into Santana's face. She's got a bruise on her cheek, several cuts on her forehead and temple but her eyes are warm and loving. Brittany knows that Santana is tired but wants to stay awake. "I'm the one who has all the reasons to be sorry, Santana... I broke your heart, left you and didn't come back. We never really had the chance to talk about everything back then but you still let me back into your life. And now you're here and you're hurt and... I'm so sorry I failed our marriage. You deserved so much better - I'm the one who should be lying here in this bed-"

"God Brittany don't be overdramatic", Santana whispers. "Yes we failed at marriage. But when we were apart, I realized that it wouldn't have happened if we had been ready. Don't get me wrong," Santana lifts her hand to caress Brittany's cheek. "Marrying you was the best decision I made. But it wasn't the right time and you know that."

Brittany closes her eyes. It hurts so much, her heart feels heavy when she nods carefully. The realization isn't new. But having her wife saying it out lout still stings.

"Do you think it's still not the right time? For us?" Brittany asks with her eyes closed. Fresh tears start rolling down her face. Santana wipes some away with her thumb.

"Honestly I don't know" Santana replies. "Britt... look at me."

Brittany forces herself to look into Santana's eyes. She's so beautiful.

"I wish I could tell you that this time everything will work out but I don't know what's going to happen, neither do you. All I know is that I'm glad we found each other. We owe it to ourselves to give it time. You still live in California after all where you have a great job and we just... need to give it some time."

Brittany watches how brown eyes slowly shut and Santana's facials soften. She presses another kiss to the brunette's hand.

"I'm so glad you're ok." Brittany says gently. Her chest still aches terribly. "You have no idea."

After a while she pulls her phone from her pocket to check the time. It's a few minutes after midnight.

"Happy new year" Brittany whispers into silence. A weak mumble comes from between Santana's lips before she falls into a deep sleep.

* * *

The first two days into the new year are rough. Santana's family is being very protective so Brittany hardly ever gets a few minutes alone with her. They weren't very welcoming when they interacted with Brittany for the first time after the break up.

They obviously hold a grudge against her that Brittany can't blame them for but it's still painful after she used to get along very well with Santana's family. But it's ok. She can handle it. They've come this far so she can wait a little longer.

It feels good to talk to Rachel about everything though. After they ran into each other on New Year's Eve and didn't get to celebrate, Brittany called Rachel to see if she was free for coffee before she'd have to head back to New York.

"I hope she recovers soon. Her job asks a lot of her. It came quite surprisingly when her boss allowed her to take a couple days off", Rachel says after taking a sip of her coffee and explains to Brittany how much time Santana has spent at the office over the last year to make a good impression or to hopefully get promoted one day.

Brittany bites her lip feeling a little guilty. Santana didn't tell her about that. She even came to see Brittany's show just two months ago. Her boss must not have been happy about it but Santana still took the time. Now she's going to be on sick leave.

"She's always been a hard worker, you know that. In college she'd rather stay in to study for a test than hanging out with me and Tina. Which was worth it of course but she did miss out on a lot of fun." Brittany nods in agreement.

She didn't get to spend as much time with Santana as she would have liked, either during their first year of college. When they started dating priorities changed but Santana still put a lot of effort into her education. It's always been something that Brittany admired her for. Knowing that she can't head back to work so soon must scare Santana.

"Well... she suffered quite a compound fracture of her right arm and the concussion will take another few days to fully recover from. She gets to leave the hospital tomorrow and her parents will take her in for another week. I really want to be there for her but I also don't want to force myself upon them, you know? I disappointed her whole family two years ago. Maybe Santana has forgiven me but you should have seen the way her mother looks at me. She's not mad at me but she's hurt. And that's a bitter pill to swallow."

Rachel gives her a compassionate look.

"Brittany... you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You've had a rough couple years, too and you can't blame yourself forever. At one point you and Santana will have to leave the past behind if you still want a chance at being together. Her parents will get to that point as well when they see that Santana is happy. And trust me, she was very happy when she found you. As a matter of fact she's been having that excited sparkle in her eye and she looks healthy. Well... that was before the accident of course but still. I want you to know that you've had a positive impact on her. Not a negative one. Ok?"

Brittany swallows. Her heart aches when she thinks about the accident holding Santana back. She just hopes that she won't lose that sparkle again.

"So when are you heading back to California? I was hoping you'd come to New York with me and breathe in some of that Broadway air? I know you've found your place over there but you should come check it out one day."

Brittany smiles when she notices the happiness and joy in Rachel's face whenever she speaks about her job. They agree to go see a show together before Brittany has to fly back home. Then they talk about what they have missed in each other's lives, their families and some New Year's resolutions.

To make up for what she has missed, Brittany thinks... That's what she wants the most.

* * *

 **Hopefully you're still reading although it took a long time to update. But I'm still motivated to continue and finish this one.**

 **bobbieyoung**


	13. Chapter 13

Well... those New Years resolutions weren't that easy to live up to. Actually... things didn't go the way she planned. Just like always.

It was almost like the accident didn't break only Santana's right arm but also the fragile bond they had created ever since they had met again in that bar after two years of not speaking.

The wounds were still deep under a thin layer of forgiveness. Santana tried - Brittany can't deny that. They tried to reconcile and in a way it worked. They both realized that the love had never gone away. But sometimes... love is not enough. At one point they had to realize that still too many things were standing in their way and that they needed time to figure out what they wanted in life before jumping back into a relationship.

The accident happened seven months ago. Seven long months of missing, pondering, wondering if they had made the right decision. Seven long months of rehearsing, shows, late hours with Quinn in the living room, talks, cuddles with Quincy...

It's a Saturday and finally Brittany has a weekend off. The new show is taking so much effort, more than any other job ever before but it's good. It takes her mind off things. This way she can focus on something and do the best she can. It's what she's good at. Creating choreographies is her way of processing. It's a way to vent, to feel, to breathe easier when other things are missing.

Because for the second time in her life she and Santana aren't talking. Except this time, they both agreed on it.

 _"We can't just erase two years pretending everything is all happiness and perfect... I have forgiven you for leaving me. But I also pushed my own feelings away ever since. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. I work my ass off for a company I don't even like but I pretend that I do so I won't have to think about what I really want and feel. You see... being with you does make me happy. A life with you by my side is what I've always wanted. But I can't jump back into it, as much as I want to. I just... can't."_

That's what Santana said to Brittany when she was able to leave the hospital after her accident and they sat together to discuss the future. _"I was on my own for two years because I had to. I need to be on my own because I want to. I love you Brittany. And you love me. But it's not enough."_

It didn't even come surprisingly when Santana eventually asked Brittany to sign the divorce papers. It made her heart feel painfully heavy and she cried as soon as she got into her Dad's car later to drive off. But it wasn't an actual surprise.

The bliss of being close to her wife again left as soon as it came. Well... her ex wife. She signed the papers. Brittany always said to herself that she would sign them if Santana ever asked her to.

It was a strange feeling. To sign a divorce she didn't want and to let Santana go while knowing it was the right thing to do. So it was painful but also soothing when they wrapped their arms around each other for a goodbye and kissed one more time before going separate ways. Again.

"Are you going to just stare at Quincy's toy for the rest of the day? Because I can tell she might attack you any second. And we both know how painful that can be."

Quinn's voice snaps Brittany back from her thoughts. It's too late. Sharp claws dig into Brittany's skin.

"Ouch Quincy!" Brittany yells but quickly forgets about the pain. The cat has once and for all stolen her heart, piece by piece by doing funny things like dropping her toys immediately as soon as someone opens a bag of snacks.

"Have you made your mind up about tonight?" Quinn wants to know when she slumps onto the couch next to Brittany. "Tina just texted me and needs to know because of dinner reservation."

Brittany smiles. Tina's fling with that guy she met online actually turned into something serious and she moved to L.A. just a few weeks ago. She and Quinn get along really well and their boyfriends have become buddies, too so they do couple things all the time. Brittany's happy for them. She really is. But it also reminds her that she's far from having that, too. She's divorced now. Single. And she misses Santana more than ever before.

The last thing she heard from her was how she decided to go travelling. The accident woke her up in a way so she quit her job to see the world. At first Brittany was hurt because Santana would travel the world without her. It's something they always planned to do together one day. But then again it made sense. Brittany held her back for way too long and in a way it felt alright knowing that Santana was out there somewhere, hopefully enjoying life to the fullest.

Brittany received a postcard from Thailand last month. Something about how the food is delicious over there and how she hopes that Brittany is doing fine blah-blah.

Brittany showed Quinn the postcard and pretended that it didn't fade her. Reading those lines that were written from a friend to a friend. Or something like that. But of course it stung.

How can love not be enough? She keeps asking herself the same question over and over again. She still wants Santana. She would marry her again in a heartbeat. But that is off the table when a postcard is the only thing that keeps them from being complete strangers.

Quinn hits her shoulder playfully.

"Nah... not tonight" Brittany mumbles when she takes a closer look at the scratch on her hand she just received from Quincy.

Quinn sighs.

"Brittany you keep saying no to spending time with us. I know it's not much fun to go out with two couples but you can't stay home all the time. Maybe you'd even have some fun? Please..." Brittany looks up. She can't hide a grin when Quinn gives her a puppy look. "Pleeeeease-"

"Ok ok" Brittany answers quickly. She knows that it's about time to stop wallowing in self-pity. Now that she finally has a weekend off, she can't just sit home. "But I get to chose which restaurant."

"Fine" Quinn mumbles when she starts texting a reply to Tina with a big grin on her face.

* * *

It turns out that Quinn was right. She _is_ having a good time and it _is_ fun to spend time with her friends at a fancy restaurant as well as having drinks at a bar later on. Tina and Quinn make her laugh a lot while their boyfriends Josh and Simon even try to hit Brittany up with a good looking woman.

But nothing feels right about it when the other blonde named Sarah takes the seat next to Brittany, throws glances every now and then or hits Brittany's arm playfully when she tells something funny. She's beautiful. She seems nice and smart with a lovely laughter. An Olivia Wilde kind of girl. But Brittany feels lost when she looks into those wide light eyes. Every ounce of her body screams for something else.

She feels a painful lump in her throat when images of Santana flash in front of her inner eye. Her laugh, her soft hands, her stunning mind.

Brittany shakes her head.

The girl named Sarah gives her a confused look. She must have been explaining something or told a joke or done something else that Brittany doesn't want to know about.

"It was nice to meet you, Sarah" Brittany mumbles when she gets up from her chair. Quinn eyes her disappointedly when Brittany hugs the others goodbye.

"See you later at home?" She wants to know when Brittany gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Brittany nods with a weak smile before she leaves her friends. With quick steps she makes her way home.

* * *

It's another two weeks later when Brittany gets a new postcard. From Australia this time. It's a typical photograph of a breathtaking ocean view.

 _I took some surfing lessons and - surprise - sucked at it..._

That's all it says. It makes Brittany laugh. On one hand because she knows that Santana probably couldn't stand on that board for three seconds and on the other hand because it's such a short message. Why would Santana even bother to send it? Let alone buy a stamp. But she's never been the one to write long messages.

She puts the postcard on the refrigerator next to the one from Thailand when she grabs a bottle of water. Then she goes for a long run outside. It's already dark when she gets home.

The next one arrives a few weeks later from New Zealand. Brittany is just about to leave for an evening performance when Quinn comes home from a shift at the saloon with a postcard in her hand.

 _Apparently I'm better at hiking. But my feet hurt terribly and I can book about one more flight before I'm broke._

Brittany smiles. She never thought of Santana as a hiking person or someone who loves the outdoor that much to buy expensive gear. But she can see it. She can see her out there doing her thing. Wherever and with whomever she wants to.

That's a lie... Brittany cringes at the idea of Santana having fun with other people. Quinn says that going travelling doesn't automatically mean you hook up with random strangers all the time. Brittany agrees but she still imagines how Santana meets other women because A she's hot and B... she's... no longer her wife.

When they were broken up but still married, Brittany always felt that there was a connection. Even if it was just on paper, it was there. Now she's thousands of miles away and a postcard is just a reminder of that fact. Still her heart starts jumping insanely every time she recognizes Santana's handwriting.

It's another couple weeks later during the last performance of her newest dance show when Brittany realizes that her time in L.A. is coming to an end. She loves it though. She loves to dance, to think of choreographies, to teach them, to dance in front of people. But she could do that everywhere. It doesn't have to be far away from what used to be her home anymore because frankly - there's nothing left to lose there.

She misses being close to her parents or the cold winters and people who used to be dear friends. She misses Santana. Although that ship has sailed... she longs to go back to have at least a little bit of her past fall back into pieces. Because when she left, she didn't look back but there are things to rebuild.

She wants a better relationship with her parents because they are her closest family and she's the only daughter they have left.

She can't stop thinking about Rachel's offer to join her for an off-broadway production. Maybe that could be something she'd like? Maybe she could do something completely new? Such as... open up a Café? Get a teacher's degree? Work at an animal shelter?

She doesn't know what the future holds for her. But she knows where. She's going to reconcile with her family and make something of the time they have left together. You never know when it's too late.

And when she reads Santana's latest postcard from Hawaii, she gets a warm feeling inside her chest.

 _Wish you were here to see all of this..._

She wishes she could be there, too but it's a good thing they are far apart.

For now it's going to be ok.


	14. Chapter 14

_Song suggestion for the bar scene: P.Y.T. - John Gibbons_

* * *

Brittany can hardly breathe when she finally gets to see Santana again. It's been about a year but it sure feels like eternity.

She looks healthy and content. Being abroad must have been good for her. Brittany knows that she's been back from her travels for a while now and started a new job at a different lawyer's company. That's what she could find out by the few text messages they exchanged once Brittany had left California and moved back to New Haven. They didn't text a lot, just a few messages. Sometimes it would take either of them days to reply. Brittany let Santana know that she also has a new job at a bar until she figures out what she wants to do next in life.

So although they're both aware of the fact that they live in the same city once again, it's surprising to see Santana. She's standing in the check out line at the very same grocery store Brittany goes to every now and then. She forgets everything that had just been on her mind. She has no idea what product on her shopping list she was about get next but she doesn't want to look on the small piece of paper in her hand because then she'd have to look away from Santana. It just feels good to see her.

For a moment she thinks about going over there to say hello. Sooner or later they'll run into each other again or maybe even do something together. Such as... drinking coffee. Or watching one of Rachel's shows. Or having a look at each other's new apartments. Or run into each other at a bar like they did in L.A.

Truth is, Brittany has pictured about every possible scenario. She's pictured so many situations but hasn't brought up the courage to actually call Santana and ask if she'd like to meet and catch up. She wishes Santana would be the one to make the first move. Then again she has no idea if Santana ever will make a move. In fact Brittany was a little irritated when Santana didn't even ask what street she lives at when they texted. But at the same time she knows it's ok. They're something like friends she thinks? Maybe that's all they're going to be from now on and the only thing she can do is accept whatever happens.

Just when Brittany decides to go on with her groceries, Santana looks up from her wallet directly into Brittany's eyes. They stare at each other for a moment. Brittany's lips part to form words but Santana is standing too far away to say hello. In fact she's too far away to tell if there is a hint of a smile or a warm look on her face or not. Seconds pass and before she knows it the opportunity to smile or wave is over. Why didn't she just smile at Santana? Make any sign of recognition? The brunette looks away because the cashier must have asked a question.

Brittany can't believe that she uses that moment to turn around and quickly disappear behind shelves. She has thought about seeing Santana often but at the same time it felt safe to know that it wasn't actually going to happen because Santana was out of the country. Brittany had time to focus in herself and on the relationship with her parents. Ever since she moved back, they get to see each other on the weekends and sometimes even on a weekday for dinner. Of course Brittany's mother was disappointed when she found out that they didn't get back together the way she had always hoped for. She even had tears in her eyes when Brittany told her about the divorce. It wasn't easy to stay strong and pretend that she was ok. But as time went by, it turned out that she _was_ ok. She's been doing fine with her new job back in the old life. She made some friends at the bar, gets to hang out with Rachel often and enjoys the time she has for herself. Rachel's offer about joining her group still stands but Brittany was in desperate need of a break from the stage life. Just recently she has been giving it some serious thoughts though.

All these new and old aspects of life are keeping her busy. So getting to see Santana without a warning is... refreshing.

Questions pop into her head. How often does Santana think about her? Is her new job better than the old one? When was the last time she had sex? Does she have a fancy new apartment or a rather cheap one so she can save money?

She shakes her head when she tries to focus on her shopping list. There are so many questions, yet she has no idea what to think or feel.

Quinn doesn't have an answer, either when they speak on the phone later that night. Brittany had to call her as soon as she got home from the grocery store.

"Maybe I'm scared to find out that she isn't interested in being in touch anymore? Maybe I'll realize that we have completely grown apart? Maybe... maybe she is with someone new and they're gonna get married one day which would hurt? Or maybe it wouldn't hurt because I want her to be happy? Why didn't _she_ say hello? I mean... nothing? Just nothing?"

Quinn sighs when Brittany tries to find answers to all of her questions.

 _"Brittany... it must have been a surprise for her to see you as it was for you. You shouldn't worry so much. Haven't you been doing well over the past few months?"_

Brittany nods.

"Yes I have."

 _"And have you gone insane over missing your ex?"_

Brittany hesitates.

"I mean... no? I'm... ok. It's been alright."

Quinn's soft chuckle makes her grin, too.

 _"See? You get upset over nothing. The two of you are ok! It took a while but you managed. I'm sure you'll manage the future just the same. If you really want to talk to her then just do it. If you don't feel like it, let it be. You'll figure it out Britt. You always do."_

Brittany smiles.

"You're a really good friend, Quinn. I wish you lived here, too. Ever thought about leaving sunny California?"

They talk for over an hour about what is new in Quinn's life, about how much they miss each other and how badly it sucks that there is a time difference between them. Only when Brittany can hardly keep her eyes open they agree to hang up. It feels very good to know that she can still talk to Quinn about everything even when they don't live close to each other anymore.

* * *

It's a few days later when Brittany has almost forgotten about that short silent glance thingy at the store. Almost... it's also almost creepy how she thinks of Santana while mixing drinks for a group of guys who are celebrating a bachelor party at the bar and a view seconds later the door opens, followed by a familiar brunette walking in.

Brittany pauses. It's Santana together with two other women that Brittany doesn't know. They must be about the same age. It only takes a few seconds for Santana's eyes to roam the room, which inevitably leads to finding Brittany's. This time they glow up right away and a smile forms on her lips.

Brittany reciprocates before nodding when Santana points to an empty table in a corner. She watches how the three women take off their summer jackets before sitting at the bar table. Santana's got her hair in a ponytail, she's wearing a black sleeveless dress, as well as high heels and Brittany's pretty sure she can tell from behind the counter that Santana's eyes are dark smoky.

She swallows. Santana and her friends go out on a Saturday night... and they end up here? The bar she works at?

Brittany hands a big tray with cocktails over the counter to the group of men. One of them pays right away, giving Brittany a big tip.

"Thanks!" She yells when the group bursts into drunken laughter at a joke.

Then it's Santana who's standing right in front of her, a wallet in her hand.

"Hey" She says with a small grin, placing her elbows on the counter.

Brittany chuckles.

"Hey yourself. What can I get you?"

Santana pretends to think.

"Three beers please"

Brittany nods with a smirk.

"You mean two beers and one mixed with lemonade?"

Santana narrows her eyes.

"Would that be so weird?" She wants to know.

Brittany shrugs.

"Nah... just still don't get it. Beer isn't supposed to be sweet."

Santana imitates Brittany's shrug.

"Have you ever tasted it?"

"As a matter of fact I have. You made me." Santana smirks. Brittany can tell that she's replaying the memory in her head. "So uh... come here often?" Brittany asks casually when she grabs three bottles of beer from the fridge and an empty glass.

Suddenly Santana seems a bit coy. She throws a quick glance over her shoulder at her two friends.

"Well my new colleagues wondered if I knew a nice bar. I remembered the name of the place you said you now work at... I was curious." Brittany puts the first two beers on the counter after opening them. "Hey"

Brittany looks up into Santana's eyes. There's intimacy. Lots of new things. And definitely curiosity.

"I'm sorry about the other day. I was... wasn't prepared."

Brittany nods in agreement.

"Me neither. I'm sorry, too. I wanted to come over to say hi but somehow I didn't know if you'd want me to. You know? It's been a while and..."

Santana bites her lip. Then she shakes her head.

"It's good to see you back."

Brittany puts the third beer mixed with lemonade close to Santana. Their eyes lock again.

"I'm really happy to be back, too. And glad you came over but you almost missed me." Santana knits her brows. "I wasn't supposed to work tonight but then my co-worker got sick. Or it was just a lame excuse so she could go out herself, I don't know..."

Santana hands Brittany some money over the counter without even asking how much it is.

"Then I guess I got lucky" She replies with a smile. Except it's not really a smile. It's hidden.

Santana elegantly manages to grab the three drinks and with another look she walks back to her table.

Before Brittany can think about their conversation any further, the guys from the bachelor party loudly ask for another round of drinks. She walks over to them.

"Gentlemen! What can I get you next?" She asks with an inward sigh.

She's not quite listening to what they're saying because it seems they're all ordering at the same time, one louder than the other. Instead her eyes follow Santana. She hands her two friends their drink before hopping back on her bar chair. She laughs at something they say. She puts a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Then she takes a first sip of her ugly sweet beer.

Brittany suppresses a laugh. Instead she shakes her head before finally gathering her attention back to the loud group of men.

* * *

It's hours later when Brittany finally gets support of two co workers. The small bar is jammed like every Saturday. The music is loud and the atmosphere excellent. It doesn't feel like she's been on her feet for two shifts straight because she really likes it here.

Tonight is even more special because the ice between her and Santana is breaking once again or at least she hopes so. Brittany got introduced to her two new friends Michaela and Beverly, both working for the same company as Santana.

They are very friendly and even invite Brittany for a drink once she can take a five minute break. Brittany shakes with horror when she sucks the wedge of lime after a tequila shot at the same time as Santana.

Flashbacks of high school involving the same drink and person shoot through her head.

Santana's laugh fills her ears when her friends try to get Brittany to take another one but she can only point at the tray in her hand.

"I'm working!" Brittany yells with laughter. Her voice cracks.

Santana tries to stop Michaela from guiding another shot to Brittany's lips.

"Come on Brittanyyyy!" The other brunette slurs tipsily. "This place is awesome! You _have_ to drink with us!"

Santana can hardly control her laughing fit but finally manages to take the shot out of Michaela's hand, saving Brittany.

Brittany winks at her while putting all the empty glasses back on her tray. Way too many.

Then she has to leave them because for the second time within ten minutes she can hear the wonderful sound of bursting glass.

"Wait! You forgot your money!" Beverly yells at Brittany and waves a few bills at her. Brittany quickly shakes her head letting them know that the shots were on her.

"Oh my God! You're awesome! Beverly and Michaela scream in unison which causes Santana to laugh harder. Then she falls silent. Except for her eyes, they're still beaming.

Brittany clears her throat when she forgets for a second what she's supposed to do. Eventually she turns around to head back to work behind the counter.

* * *

It's far beyond midnight when Santana and her friends come to say goodbye at the counter. Beverly and Michaela make Brittany promise to come party with them instead of working next time.

"Take care" Santana says with a surprisingly clear voice compared to her friends when she puts her jacket back on. Brittany nods with a smile.

Then they disappear in the crowd leaving Brittany with tons of party people.

"Night is still young..." She mumbles to herself taking a deep breath before facing the last few hours of Saturday night.


	15. Chapter 15

Song suggestion: "Drink About" by Seeb

* * *

"Sooo…"

Brittany rolls her eyes. Her mother is a specialist at starting conversations two minutes before the movie begins while everyone else sitting in the movie theater finally quiets down.

"Sooo I still don't know, ok?" Is Brittany's answer to the question about what she wants to do in life.

"You still don't know? You've been working at this bar for months now. Haven't you had enough of working nightshifts?"

"Mom… it's a bar, not a hospital. Don't worry, I get enough sleep. And besides I really enjoy it. As a matter of fact, I haven't felt this relaxed or happy for a long time."

"What about dancing? Don't you miss it?"

Brittany sighs. For a few seconds she gets lost in the commercial on screen.

"Of course I miss it. That's why I'm joining this dance group next week. It's just a few people getting together every now and then, who like to dance to music in their free time."

"Like a hobby?"

Brittany turns her head to the left to look into her mother's face.

"Well, yes? Would that be so bad?"

Her mother quickly shakes her head.

"Of course not! I'm _just_ _saying_... I felt a lot safer when I knew you worked at a _library_ whenever you weren't rehearsing for shows during your time in California. That bar is just so-"

"So what?"

"So… so much _party_."

Brittany chuckles.

"That's what bars are for, right? Besides how do you event want to know? You still haven't been there although I keep inviting you and Dad to come have a drink there. It would do you good… you guys never go out."

Her mom opens her mouth to reply something, but she seems out of words.

"Just saying" Brittany mumbles. Then luckily the movie begins.

She grins when she can see from the corner of her eye how her mother slightly shakes her head seemingly offended but probably agreeing with Brittany inwardly.

* * *

After almost two hours of light comedy and lots of happy laughter from her mother, Brittany can't help but grin, too when they wait in their seats for the people around them to get up and leave. It's what they always did whenever they went to go see a movie as a family. They always waited for the Easter Egg at the end of the closing credits and were often disappointed when there wasn't one. But the waiting was even funnier because they tried to read as many names as possible and laughed at those that sounded funny when saying out loud.

"Oh look! Hairy Pancake!" Brittany's mother says with an almost hysterical laugh.

"Harry, Mom… It's Harry Pancake."

"Oh right. _Maria Farina_. Isn't that Italian for snow or something?"

"I don't speak Italian"

"There's another one. Steve- _oh-my-god-that's-Santana_?"

Brittany tries to find the name.

"What?"

Then she feels her mother's hand on her arm.

"Look" She whispers and points to the last few people who are leaving the theater. Brittany can see her. It's Santana and her colleague from work. Michaela or was it Beverly? Brittany can't remember right away.

"Don't you want to wave at her?" Her mom wants to know, squeezing Brittany's arm a little tighter. Brittany shrugs. Actually she does but then she can't help but give Santana's friend a scrutinizing look. They're walking awkwardly close to each other. Or does it just seem that way? It's not like her hand is touching Santana's elbow or is it?

"Did she see us? Do you think _I_ should wave? It's just that I haven't seen her in quite a while-"

"You can say hello if you want to, mom." Brittany mumbles. "I'm sure she would like that, too-"

She feels a soft blast of air against her cheek because her mom's hand shoots up to wave at Santana who's passing their row. The lights are still dimmed in the room, so the brunette narrows her eyes. Then she recognizes them and a smile forms on her face. She waves back at Brittany's mom. And at Brittany.

Brittany reciprocates the gesture slightly embarrassed. She feels like a teenager sitting next to her mother who just spotted her crush.

"Should we leave? I mean do you still want to wait for the Easter Egg? There's probably none anyway. I don't think they do them anymore in modern films." Her mom babbles. She's so predictable.

"Uhm… alright."

"Ok come on, Britt. We should get home. It's getting late."

They get up on their feet. Before Brittany can grab her bag from the floor, her mother has already picked it up and hands it to her. "There you go sweetie. Oh I really have to use the bathroom. I'll wait for you at the parking lot, ok?"

"But… I can wait for _you_ -"

Brittany doesn't get to finish the sentence. Her mother has already gained on Santana and her friend. Brittany tries to win time by looking for her phone in the bag although she knows it's in her back pocket. From the corner of her eye she can see her mom and her ex-wife hugging each other.

Weird.

Then she can no longer stand there without things getting awkward. Once she reaches the end of the row, her mother makes some unnecessary pantomimic moves about how she'll go look for the bathroom while already walking away. Brittany laughs it off when she greets Santana.

They exchange a "Hey" and a smile before Santana points to the woman next to her.

"You remember Michaela?"

Brittany nods when the good-looking woman covers her face with her hands in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry about that night at the bar", she says. "I had just finished a difficult case that day and really needed to celebrate. I'm sorry for being a little over the top. You must just love those customers."

Brittany waves it off.

"Oh no worries… That was nothing, believe me."

When they start walking, Brittany has no idea what to talk about. She's thankful that Michaela takes over with the usual small talk about what she liked about the movie and what came _totally unexpected_ although it was a super predictable and logic plot twist in Brittany's opinion.

Once they step outside, they have to go in different directions. For a split second Brittany wonders what they're going to do next. Then she drops the thought. It's none of her business.

"Make sure to stop by the bar again soon", Brittany says to Michaela and Santana.

They both nod with a smile. Then Santana gives Brittany a quick look, almost insecure. Like she wants to say something but changes her mind.

When Brittany sinks back into the passenger seat of her mother's car they silently agree not to talk about it any further. She closes her eyes while replaying the scene from two minutes ago. Wishing each other a good night. She cringes at the thought of Santana not spending it alone.

* * *

She steps into her empty apartment later, feeling silly for those thoughts. She no longer has the right to be jealous. She hasn't had that privilege for a long time to be honest. They were together when they were younger. They got married but at the wrong time. They tried again last year but it didn't work out. That's it.

Brittany has no idea what it is about that woman but she can't forget her. She also doesn't think that she has to. Still she can't get rid of the thought and feeling that she is the one or the one that got away.

Brittany sits down at her kitchen table, her phone in hand.

It makes her think she's in a real-life soap opera when Santana's name appears on the screen. Sometimes she wonders if telepathy really works. The phone vibrates for a few seconds before Brittany answers the call.

"Hey" She says with a hopefully normal voice.

" _Britt… I'm sorry to call you so late"_

"Don't worry. Is everything ok?"

Brittany can hear Santana chuckle nervously.

" _Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I wanted to apologize."_

"For what?"

" _Just… for that kind of awkward scene before. It was really good to see your mom._ _Somehow whenever I get to see you unexpectedly, I seem to forget how conversation works."_

Brittany silently agrees.

"Yeah my mom still asks a lot about you so I think it made her happy to see you." Then she can hear Santana sigh into the phone.

" _Michaela and I only started dating a short while ago. I meant to tell you in person, but I didn't know how."_

Brittany swallows down the unpleasant feeling of confirmation about that hunch.

"Don't worry, Santana. You don't even have to tell me such things. I mean… she seems really nice" Brittany closes her eyes, glad that Santana can't see her. Because she's telling the truth which hurts in an absurd way. "And I want you to be happy."

It sounds so cliché. But she has never meant anything more than that.

Santana is quiet for a few seconds. Then her voice sounds just a little bit thinner.

" _Thank you. I want you to be happy, too. If you were to date someone new, I'd support it, as well."_

Brittany doesn't even want to believe her. But she does.

" _I'll make sure to come to your bar again soon, k?"_

Brittany nods although Santana can't see that.

" _Goodnight"_

"Goodnight Santana"

They hang up. It's so very quiet in the kitchen.

Brittany bites her lip. She puts the phone away. With a deep breath she stands up and makes her way to the shower while getting rid of her clothes.

When warm water washes down her face and body, it's mixed with tears. She has no idea what they mean or what to feel.

* * *

It's days later when she empties the third shot within a few minutes after a shift at the bar. Her two colleagues who worked the shift with her applaud tiredly.

"That can only mean two things" One of them says with an empathetic expression. "Depts… or heartache". They both chuckle at Brittany's response – another shot – and join her solidary.

They spend the next hour more or less professionally cleaning up the bar but it's hard to focus when Brittany can't stop thinking about how all she wants to do is call Santana in the middle of the night. But she doesn't. She's probably fast asleep and anyway… she's just not gonna do it.

She finally has to grow up and get over it. There are plenty of fish in the sea is what her grandpa would say. Or not. She has no idea what he would say. He's not even alive anymore. It's just a saying that comes to her mind. Annoyed she kicks the floor mop in her hand. Sometimes she's just so goddamn stupid. Why doesn't she just call Santana and be honest?

She doesn't want her to be with Michaela?

But that's not the point. She _has_ to want it. Because she obviously makes Santana happy and that's all that counts. And she _is_ pretty amazing. Anyone would be happy to date Michaela. Except for herself. She doesn't even like lawyers.

Unless the lawyer is called like a Mexican singer.

But those aren't up for discussion. She'll have to find another fish.

Brittany laughs at that idea. Figuratively.

Then she rolls her eyes at her dumb drunk thoughts.

Quinn would definitely know something to say that would make her feel better. Aw Quinn… she misses her.

Only when Brittany catches herself basically hugging the floor mop, she manages to pull herself together and decides it's time to go home. Tomorrow everything is going to look a little brighter. To that she holds on.


	16. Chapter 16

Song suggestions: "Small Talk" by Giiants, "Hey (I'm Sorry)" Matis Johansson Remix, "Happier" Cazzette Remix

* * *

It takes a little while to get really used to the friendship thing but eventually she comes around. After several talks on the phone with Quinn and seeing Santana and Michaela together a couple of times, she's gotten used to it.

Brittany and Michaela might not become best friends but it's ok. Michaels seems to have accepted that Santana still wants to be friends with Brittany and Brittany has accepted that Michaela's… there.

Always.

Every single time Santana shows up at the bar with her friends, her girlfriend is attached to her hips. And it's not happening rarely. They love that bar. Brittany can't complain. Customers mean she gets to keep her job. Even if those customers happen to be her ex-wife with new girlfriend and many more lawyers. But she hasn't spoken to Santana alone in what feels like forever. Then again why should they speak alone?

It's not like Brittany still dreams about her or has certain inappropriate thoughts every now and then when Santana shows up wearing the nicest clothes and her hair all wavy. Ugh…

It's not like she does those things on purpose. It's not like Santana likes to tease Brittany.

It's not like Brittany sometimes finds herself considering a kidnapping to make Michaela go away. It's not like she still has her eyes on Santana…

But _sometimes_ she can't hide _all_ her looks. Or ignore the hidden glances that Santana throws back at her. It's a little game they have started. Maybe not intentionally. They don't talk about it.

How. Michaela would probably have lots to object in that conversation.

But it's become some sort of a thing. Their group of friends shows up after long days at work, order a drink and talk about what they didn't get to talk about during work. Then after two drinks they start laughing a lot louder. That's when Santana is no longer capable of avoiding Brittany's eyes. Sometimes she chooses a chair so she'll sit with her back facing the bar, trying to make it harder for Brittany.

But it only lasts for about half an hour. At one point she has to use the bathroom. Which never gets unnoticed by Brittany. It so happens that you have to walk by the counter to get to the ladies' room and exactly at the same time Brittany will have to carry a tray with drinks to a table. Santana will politely let Brittany go first. A tiny grin on her face. Or even better… a lip bite.

Brittany will thank her with a wink. It's her favorite part of the night. Or maybe the way Santana glances at Brittany's arm. The one carrying the heavy tray. Brittany then remembers long forgotten things from college. When Santana would beg Brittany to wear tight t-shirts to show off her muscles.

It's amusing how it still works with those black polo shirts they have to wear behind the bar.

Those are the best nights. When Santana returns from the bathroom, her eyes roaming the whole bar, definitely not looking for her friends. When she gets a little bit annoyed because Brittany gets hold of her as she is already looking at her from the other side of the room. Santana tries to make it in secrecy, fails and it's cute.

Her little eye-roll only makes it better. Glances mean nothing until they do of course.

But Brittany can't bring herself to actually dare to make a move. She likes it the way it is. Santana is taken. And that's the best thing that could have happened, frankly. This way she doesn't have to hope for something that isn't going to happen. She dreams in silence instead.

So when Brittany gets invited for barbecue at Rachel's place one night, she's not even upset that Santana who's invited as well, brings Michaela. It was a matter of time when she'd introduce her to her to friends outside of work. They look good together. But one thing bothers Brittany just a little bit.

Michaela playing with Santana's fingers once everyone's settled into comfortable chairs in Rachel's backyard. It's something so intimate.

All in all it's still a great evening though. She gets to know friends from Rachel that she hasn't met before or reconnects with some of their friends from when they were younger that are there, too. Brittany hasn't seen them in a long time. At first some seemed to be a little irritated to see Santana and Brittany both there but Santana with another woman by her side. However, Michaela manages to fit in well. Everyone likes her, listens to her when she tells stories. It appears she likes to talk a lot. After a while it gets a little exhausting, so Brittany allows herself to take a little break. She sneaks inside and into the kitchen where she finds Rachel standing at the sink, trying to open a new bottle of wine.

"Need some help?" Brittany asks her friend with a smirk. Rachel turns around. Thankfully she hands Brittany the bottle.

"How are you holding up? Do you feel comfortable?" She wants to know. Brittany nods.

"Yeah absolutely… I'm really glad we finally managed to come together with some old friends. I missed that."

Rachel agrees.

"At first I wasn't sure about you and Santana both coming here to be honest." Brittany can't blame her. "But it looks like you guys get along and I have to say I'm very happy about that. I wouldn't want to miss out on either of you. Not again." She grins at Brittany who hands back the wine bottle and cork.

"Same" Brittany says gently. She definitely missed out on a lot, too.

They get interrupted by no other but Santana who carefully knocks at the doorframe, an empty glass in her hand.

"Sorry" She says with a soft voice.

"Wine?" Rachel points at the bottle in her hand. Santana shakes her head.

"Just looking for water. That one guy's drinking like a camel and emptying all the bottles." Brittany laughs when Santana shrugs incredulously. "I mean it _is_ warm outside but come on… leave something for the rest, right?"

Rachel grabs a fresh bottle from the fridge and hands it to Brittany before excusing herself with the wine. Brittany isn't sure, but she thinks Rachel just winked at Santana when leaving the kitchen.

"Are you just gonna stand there with that bottle?" Santana eventually wants to know with a funny expression. Brittany clicks her tongue but can't help a chuckle. She opens the bottle when approaching Santana who's not moving an inch, she simply holds up her glass.

When Brittany fills it with water, they look into each other's eyes.

"Thanks" Santana mumbles before guiding the glass to her lips. Brittany makes a step back.

"Having a good time?" Brittany asks casually. Except nothing's casual. They're finally talking without anyone listening. Santana nods a bit too hesitantly.

"Sure… it's been way too long since we've all gathered for a dinner like this."

Brittany agrees with a nod. She leans against the kitchen counter, Santana does the same with the doorframe beside her. They exchange several looks wordlessly. It feels like minutes when it's probably just seconds.

"It's getting serious, huh?" Brittany says after a while, her voice suddenly a bit raspy. "With Michaela, I mean."

Santana stares at the glass in her hand. Her fingernails are painted perfectly with black polish.

"Serious?" She asks in a timid way. It's not really a question though. They fall silent again.

Can time fly and stand still at the same time? The others probably wonder where they are. Or at least Michaela must wonder.

Brittany can't take it much longer. She's standing here with the most wonderful woman, alone in a kitchen. She's so beautiful but why so worried all of a sudden?

"You look so good, Brittany" Santana whispers after an eternity. Brittany's heart feels like a sudden rocket launch. A hint of guilt seeps through warm emotions.

Brittany wants to grab her, hold her. Tell her all kinds of things.

So she does but the last part.

She steps forward after putting the water bottle away and doing the same with Santana's glass. She wraps her arms around Santana's shoulders, taking her in, pressing her lips to Santana's hair.

She can feel desperate hands trying to find hold on her back.

"I'm sorry for not being able to just let it be." Brittany whispers. Santana grabs her tighter. "I know I shouldn't interact the way I do whenever you stop by the bar."

Santana shakes her head in their embrace.

"It's not like I'm trying harder" Santana replies hardly audible.

A noise from outside makes them snap back into the present. They let go at the same time. Santana grabs her glass of water.

"I should head back" She says. They get lost in each other's eyes for another two seconds. An encouraging but careful smile forms on Brittany's lips. Santana reciprocates the same.

Then she makes her way outside, leaving Brittany there. She counts to ten until she follows.

* * *

 _Let me know what you think! Feedback makes it a lot easier to get right back into writing :)_

 _bobbieyoung_


	17. Chapter 17

"Wild Thoughts" by Hobbie Stuart

* * *

The first thirty minutes of dancing with a group of complete strangers feels a bit odd. It takes her a moment to get back into the groove but when one of her favorite song starts playing and they show her the beginning of a really good dance routine, she immediately gets into it. Before she knows it, the hour is over and they're already saying goodbye again. When they leave the rented studio, they make sure to add Brittany's phone number in their group chat, so they can let everybody know what time their meeting up next week. One of them even tells her that he would love it if she'd join them because they could definitely use some new inputs.

It's nice. And definitely something she needed to clear her head. Working at the bar is a great experience at the moment, she doesn't want to trade with anyone. But dancing will always be her greatest passion, so doing it in her free time feels perfectly fine for now.

She gets home a few minutes later and she's more than surprised to find Santana coming out of the staircase. Brittany has no idea what she was doing here but remembers finally telling Santana where exactly she lives last time they talked at the bar.

Santana's eyes lighten up when they lock with Brittany after she probably wasn't expecting her anymore.

"Oh hey! I just rang your doorbell and assumed I must have missed you." She says with a cheerful tone. There's a bag in her hand. She lifts it up. "I just picked up dinner when I remembered the street name you live at. Are you hungry?"

Brittany blinks several times, completely overwhelmed. She's starving.

"I'm starving"

Santana's face beams. Without anything more to say, Brittany guides Santana back into the stairway, up to her apartment. She wonders… does Michaela know she's here? But that's not a worry for her to think about. So she lets it be. She'd rather be happy about this spontaneous dinner date. As in a date with a friend. Her good friend Santana.

"It's a very nice place you have" Santana comments, once Brittany has showed her a short tour around the apartment.

"It's enough for me. Plus I love the balcony." Brittany replies, hoping that Santana didn't hear her stomach grumbling.

"Did I show up at the perfect time?" Santana wants to know with a wink. Why is she so happy? Well, Brittany is happy to see her, too. But it's so… lighthearted. Last time they saw each other was at Rachel's barbecue. When they talked in the kitchen, they definitely had a moment. Or a series of moments. Something they hadn't had in a long time. It was almost like she's getting to know Santana all over again. Her in a relationship… being completely out of reach.

It's not like they haven't been friends before. They were friends during high school. Except it was never a friendship comparable to all the other friendships they had. It was always something a little… different. More intimate in certain ways but distant and exciting in others. It's very hard to describe.

The bond she's had with Santana (and lost and regained, and lost and regained over the years…) is something she could never quite put into words. Others probably wouldn't understand. But that was never something that bothered them.

Only when Santana pulls the deliciously smelling Chinese food from the bag, Brittany remembers that she didn't even shower after the dancing routine. There weren't any showers there and she thought she'd just hurry home to shower there, not knowing she'd run into someone that she cares about what they think of her.

"I'm really sorry – I'm super sticky from dancing. I'm joining this group. I hadn't had the chance to freshen up, yet. I'll just quickly jump into the shower, ok?"

Santana chuckles.

"You don't have to. We can eat first. It doesn't bother me."

Brittany narrows her eyes.

"You sure?"

Santana nods, then hands Brittany some chopsticks. When she sits down at Brittany's dinner table, Brittany takes off her hoodie first. It doesn't get unnoticed how Santana's eyes dart at her upper body. Oh my God. Brittany can't believe it. She's doing it _so_ obviously. Santana used to be a _lot_ better at hiding her glances when they were younger. Or wasn't she?

Yes, Brittany is wearing a sleeveless shirt. Yes, it's got low cut arm holes. Yes, you can see the sports bra. She remembers Santana's weakness. This. Exactly this.

The brunette starts fumbling on one of the food boxes. She clears her throat.

"So uh… what's it like? The dance group? Are you going to make shows?" She wants to know.

"No, it's just something I'm doing for myself. Like going to the gym. I enjoy the fact that it's not associated with any pressure of performing. I'm not quite ready for that, yet."

Santana nods. Then they eat in silence for a while.

They haven't done this in forever. Eating dinner together. The unplanned things always turn out to be the best. They talk a bit about Santana's work, how she likes it a lot better than the job she had before her travels. Then they talk about her travels. Which destination she liked best. A horrible experience during a flight where she thought the plane was going to crash. She tells Brittany how she met strangers and how it was hard for her at first but then she became used to talking to people she had never met before.

Brittany laughs at the funny stories Santana tells and admires her for being so courageous.

Eventually they put the food aside. Brittany refills their glasses before they step out on the balcony. It's quite a nice view she has up there. Santana says the same when she steps close to the handrail.

"But those clouds look a little dark to me" She states when she lets her gaze wander around. Brittany follows her line of sight. She's right.

"I had no idea a thunderstorm is coming up, did you?" Brittany asks. She wonders if Santana still dislikes them. The thunders.

"No… I should probably head home anyways" Santana says with a slightly uneasy voice. They both look up at the sky in time to see a giant lightning.

Brittany can't lie. She wants Santana to stay longer. Just a little bit. But looking at it from an objective angle… it's probably the best if she leaves. They're getting good at it. Doing stuff that friends do. It would almost be a shame to ruin it by giving the sometimes nervous chuckles a deeper meaning. Or the ongoing fact that Santana keeps checking Brittany out. Or how they can basically read each other's minds.

"Alright… but thanks for dinner. It was delicious and just what I needed." Brittany says with a smirk. "We should do this more often."

She can see Santana swallow. The brunette's smile fades a little and gets replaced with an undying want. Brittany can still read that look.

"Yeah we definitely should." Santana agrees.

An epic thunder nearly scares them to death. Santana squeals and quickly covers her mouth.

"Oh my fucking-"

Another one.

"Did you even see a second lightning? That came out of nowhere!" Brittany yells when rain starts falling. At first a couple driblets. Within seconds they turn into heavy drops. Brittany can't even register how fast it's happening until her shirt is nearly drenched. She quickly grabs Santana's hand. The brunette seems equally surprised and incapable of doing what you normally do when rain surprises you – you look for shelter.

Brittany pulls her under the small roof above the balcony door.

"Holy shit" Brittany laughs after the first initial shock. "I did not see that coming."

They look at each other. As if she didn't see it coming. But in a way, she thinks to herself, she's not referring to the weather. "Are you cold?" She quickly asks to distract from her comment.

Santana hangs on her lips. She's shivering. What a dumb question. Of course she's cold. She's wearing a thin blouse. Which sticks to her skin but that's detail. Brittany wishes she hadn't let go of Santana's hand so quickly. She could have kept her warm.

Correction - she's glad she let go of her hand.

Santana nods wordlessly when Brittany suggest they head inside before they get even wetter. That's not how she phrases it because she knows better. But Santana follows her inside either way.

So when they find themselves on the other side of the window, Brittany realizes how dark it's become. Santana folds her arms, still not saying anything.

"You can stay, of course. Until the worst part is over." Brittany suggests. Finally Santana smiles at her but the smile fades again at Brittany's next question.

"Do you think Michaela would mind?" Stupid. Why is she being such an ass sometimes?

Santana gives her a pointed look. It's answer enough.

"I'll get us some sweaters, ok?" Brittany mumbles when already turning away from Santana. She can't take it. It's too goddamn hard to stand so close to that woman, not being allowed to do something incredibly inappropriate. Like pushing her against that window, pulling her blouse up so she could reach underneath it. To let her hands wander up her insanely good looking body. Or down. Or around it so she could feel it close against her own. Their skin hot but wet from the rain. She can almost hear Santana's heavy breath when those pictures race through her mind.

"Brittany, no" Santana interrupts her thought. Brittany turns around confusedly. "I don't need one. I…" She pauses and closes her eyes for a second. "I can't take this off, you know why and especially you with that shirt – come one, really?" She sounds desperate all of a sudden. Or she has been ever since they sat down at the dinner table earlier? Her phrase doesn't even make sense.

"What?" Brittany wants to know. She really wants to know. Santana huffs reproachfully. She raises a hand up in the air, points at Brittany and opens her mouth.

"This! It's…. it's _so_ distracting."

Brittany has an idea what she's talking about. But she could be wrong so she plays clueless. Santana rolls her eyes. She's clearly annoyed. Probably at Brittany or maybe at herself. "What you're wearing" Santana eventually adds low-voiced.

On one hand Brittany thinks it's cute or funny. On the other she's not ready to take the blame.

"May I remind you that I wanted to get a shower, so I could change into new clothes?" She demands. Something seems to build inside Santana but she swallows it down. Probably because Brittany reminded her of that fact.

"Well…" Santana mumbles with a surrendering shrug. "Since I'm gonna be stuck here for another minute or two and I'm tired of acting like I'm cool with everything – I'm just gonna be honest, Brittany."

Brittany didn't ask for it but she waits eagerly. At the same time, she's not sure she should hear it. But there's no point in pretending. It never has between these two.

"Being friends with you isn't as easy as I thought." Santana states surprisingly sober. Brittany could agree as she feels the same. But she lets Santana speak. "I don't want a life without you in it. I just still have to figure out how it's supposed to be."

Santana folds her arms once again. Brittany copies her action. This is getting interesting. Slowly she's forgetting about the fact that their clothes are wet and their hair, too. Until she gets reminded three seconds later as she can't stop staring at Santana's.

"Something about you always make me long for more" Santana finishes her little monolog. It could be Brittany's turn to say something so honest or well-considered but she can't.

She simply can't.

"I'm sorry but all I can think about is how I want to have sex with you" Brittany finally says and speaks out loud what they both have been thinking from the minute Brittany took off her hoodie. "Cut the crap, Santana about how you want to be friends with me because frankly, I don't. It's the minor evil. Because the other option is not talking to you - again. We've been there. I'd last for maybe a week. You don't have to say it because I know it's not fair since you have someone who you care about, so I'll do it." Brittany needs a second to breathe. Santana looks grateful that Brittany took over and shocked at the way she did. There's craving in her eyes. A fire that makes Brittany go on. "I wish I could rip this stupid blouse off your body so I could feel you. I want to kiss you, everywhere. I want my tongue between your legs and my fingers inside of you."

Brittany can't fight it. She could but she can't. With every word that leaves her mouth, Santana's eyes turn darker, her skin hotter. Brittany can tell without touching. What's the point in all the sugarcoated talks they've had since their divorce? Nobody's listening. She's going all director's cut because nothing can stop her now. And since Santana is still standing there wordlessly… not interrupting Brittany but pleading with her eyes to go on… she'll give her what they both need.

She closes her eyes. It's not fair to look at on another. She goes on with nothing but pictures of them in front of her inner eye.

"Your body on mine… riding me. You have no idea how long I've been thinking of that lately."

She can hear a soft whimper but she mustn't open her eyes. Because if Santana would still be staring back at her, she wouldn't hold back. She'd consider it an approval to go further. Whatever that would be.

"One day, I'll show you what I mean, and you know it… I know you have Michaela or how great she is. I've seen it. But I also see that we have something that we can't have with anyone else. At least I'm speaking for myself. But… you're the only one I can let go with completely. I think you'd agree. I'll show you… Like no one else does."

Brittany swallows. She can hear Santana's breathing. Erratic.

She _needs_ to stop. Here. She has already taken it too far.

Eventually she has to open her eyes. Santana is looking back at her. The brunette is telling so many things with her eyes, yet she's speechless. Or so it seems. When nothing comes out of her mouth, she clears her throat. It looks like she's accepting the offer about how she doesn't have to say anything and Brittany will do the talking.

"I'll uh… I'll let you decide when you want to go home. We can talk about it further anytime. If you want to. We can also keep silent and forget about it. About tonight."

That's it. That's all she has to say. For now. So when Santana eventually grabs her bag from the dinner table, they silently agree that there's no need to speak.

Brittany guides Santana towards the door.

Santana almost changes her mind, Brittany can tell, and wants to speak up. But with another look into Brittany's eyes, she drops it. She's a helpless swimmer when looking into blue eyes.

That's what she told Brittany after they slept with each other for the very first time.

Now she looks at her the same way. After all these years.

Santana opens the door almost soundless, glides outside and only throws a short glance over shoulder before leaving with quick steps.

* * *

 **Leave a comment if you have time - I appreciate it a lot!**

 **bobbieyoung**


	18. Chapter 18

"Sunset Lover" by Petit Biscuit

"Nights With You" by Mø

* * *

Even her Dad looks amused. Brittany would never have thought. But after some more convincing, her parents finally made it to the bar. Well, it's three in the afternoon and they're drinking coffee. It's not really going out, but they are here and that's all that matters to Brittany. They can party some other day. Today is definitely not a day to party.

Brittany loves late night shifts at the bar but it's always nice to work with daylight. Then she gets to bed at a decent hour and doesn't miss out on things that everyone else does when she sleeps.

Today her mom looks happy and confident which isn't to be taken for granted. But she smiles when Brittany brings them their second coffee together with some croissants.

"Brittany I must say, this place is lovely. I haven't seen it at night, yet but I do like it. Your father likes it, too. He just wasn't going to say it out loud."

Brittany smiles at her dad's eyeroll.

"Of course I like it", he says. "And if it makes you happy then we support it even more. But I guess the music could be a little more…"

"Country, Dad?" Brittany asks. She knows them very well.

"Well, yes. This thing young people call music nowadays is just…"

Brittany's mom puts a hand on her husband's arm.

"Whatever. Fact is, we like your workplace. But uh… I think we should get going if we want to get there before dinnertime. Do you want to come Brittany? It would mean… well, it would mean a lot to both of us."

Brittany swallows when she watches her mother's fingers intertwining with her dad's. One of them had to bring it up sooner or later.

"Of course" She answers but it only comes out as a whisper. "Just give me ten minutes to get changed and gather my things. I'll meet you outside ok? Then we can drive together."

Her mother nods with another brave smile. Brittany admires her. For her strength, her will to move on.

Brittany's just never prepared for the anniversary of Isabel's death. She will never get used to the loss, she thinks. She wants the day to pass as fast as possible. This time they are all together but it still hurts. Maybe even more.

* * *

They arrive at the cemetery about an hour long drive later. It's a beautiful day actually. The sun still tickling their skin when the three of them take their time to get to Isabel's grave. It's the first time after the funeral that they all get to go there together. On one hand it's hard for Brittany. On the other, it's healing.

"I dreamed of her last night" Her mother says after a while of standing there, once they have arrived at the grave. She tells them about the sweet dream she had. Brittany is almost jealous in a way. So far she hasn't dreamed of her sister since she passed away.

But the way her mother talks about it, it makes her smile and feel as if she had been in that dream, too.

Then her dad recalls a funny story of one of the few weekend trips they all shared together. He wipes away some tears but also laughs gently at the memory. Brittany knows it's eventually her turn to say something. But speaking words out loud has never seemed so challenging. Or meaningful.

She has no idea what to say although so many thoughts are spinning inside of her. All kinds of things she could say. They all sound soothing in her mind.

"What do you miss most about her, Brittany?" Her mother asks carefully after a while.

Brittany chuckles. Everything. It's impossible to pick one thing. But also it's easy to think of something because there are _so_ _many_ things.

"The way she would tell everything about her school day at dinner and one hundred percent exaggerate so we would all listen."

Her parents seem to agree because they both laugh with nodding heads.

They tell each other all kinds of such cute memories and things they miss. Although it's a very sad day of the year, it's also a day to reminisce and to make sure to never forget the little things.

When Brittany's mom has exchanged some limp flowers with a new bouquet and they agree to take a few steps, they all seem equally surprised to find Santana standing next to the last grave of the row.

She's standing there with a white rose in her hand, her hair in a half-up ponytail and a shy smile on her lips.

"Oh my God" Brittany's mother says when she makes a few steps forward. "Santana, you came all the way here?"

Brittany watches how Santana approaches her mother as well until they wrap their arms around each other for a tight hug. It makes her go through all kinds of feelings. She had no idea Santana was coming, or that she'd remember Isabel's anniversary in the first place.

Well, it's still not that long ago. But sometimes it feels as if a whole life has happened ever since.

When Santana reaches her, Brittany swallows. It takes a lot to not break into tears at the beauty in front of her. She's so thankful that she's here. But when Brittany's dad greets Santana and sweetly squeezes her shoulder, it's too much.

Brittany feels hot tears rolling down her cheeks but she's happy at the same time. It's a rollercoaster of emotions when Santana smiles at her shyly, filled with empathy.

Brittany gets drawn to her until they fall into a silent embrace as well. She has never felt such comfort before. It's like coming home and it hurts because things aren't the way they used to be. But to have Santana and her parents so close to her on this day is overwhelming. They don't talk much when the four of them go for a walk a while later. It's not necessary. They just seem to enjoy each other's presence and Brittany tries to savor every single minute of it.

* * *

"Are you sure that thing between you two is over?"

Her dad is bold, she thinks. How dare he? Well… it's not even absurd. It's just a question. She could tell the question had been burning on his tongue ever since Santana said goodbye to them after spending a wonderful hour with her family. It was way too short. She kissed Brittany on the cheek at the parking lot before getting into her car and driving off. The tingling sensation still lingers on her skin.

"Dad… She has a girlfriend. We decided to be friends. It's good this way. She's happy."

Her dad shrugs when they get into his car as well.

"Alright… but when we were younger, your mother looked at me the way Santana looks at you." He says it like it's the most casual thing to say. Like it's not some bittersweet love confession.

From the backseat Brittany watches how her mother playfully hits her dad's shoulder.

"Only when we were younger?" She wants to know. He grins.

"Yeah, you still do." He says when starting the engine.

Brittany smiles at the sight.

She hadn't thought so but it's one of those days that you thought you were going to hate but then they turn out to be just fine.

Everything feels fine.

* * *

It takes a week to fully get her feelings back under control. But her parents getting all romantic and sweet, combined with them reuniting with Santana – it did quite something to Brittany. But it's all good now. She's back at a night shift at the bar and she's - sweating. A heatwave has arrived town, there aren't too many people going out tonight. But those few that do thankfully take Brittany's round of frozen lemonade on the house.

It's just Brittany and one coworker tonight. They decide to leave the front and back door open so that hopefully some air will circulate and prevent them from fainting. But the heat is actually her least worry. Because thirty minutes ago one brunette in a suit came into the bar to get an after work beer. Without her colleagues from work though. Just Santana. Also without Michaela. Just her.

Brittany was surprised at first. But then she wasn't. Santana sat straight at the counter, tossing her blazer over another bar chair. She was clearly upset and needed a drink. She wordlessly drank the beer with lemonade – Brittany knew what to do without Santana needing to order – before she finally answered Brittany's question about whether she's ok or not.

She's still upset but the heat caused by trouble in her face has gone. It's getting replaced with the heat that is bothering all the others in this room.

"A client drove me nuts today. Luckily I get to see him _again_ next week though. Can't wait." Brittany grins at the ironic undertone.

She's standing behind the bar, mixing some drinks when Santana takes another big sip of her beer.

"Do you sometimes have customers that you really just want to punch in the face?" Santana wants to know. She finally looks up into Brittany's face. She's exhausted, Brittany can tell. It must have been a long day at work.

Brittany huffs.

"Oh yeah, they show up all the time" She answers nonchalantly.

"But of course you have to stay friendly" Santana sets her thought to a tune. Brittany nods.

"You got it"

Santana chuckles and shakes her head.

"That sucks, don't you think?" She continues. "I mean… wouldn't it feel so good to just give in? With a client that _really_ annoys you? And then you could turn back time so it would be undone but you'd still know you did it?"

Brittany grins at the picture.

"Tempting" She replies. With a quick excuse she leaves Santana alone to get the drinks to a table. The four women sitting at that table pay her right away and one of them hands her another bill. Brittany is irritated when the woman points at the counter.

"Whatever she was having" She says with a smirk. It takes Brittany a moment to understand that the woman wants to pay for another beer and make Brittany give it to Santana.

"Oh! Uhm… ok. Yeah, sure I'll… definitely do that." She stammers when she turns around slightly embarrassed. She could have reacted a lot smoother. People do this all the time. She has lost count at the number of drinks she had to serve to someone else after another person ordered it and tried to show Brittany the object of desire without being too obvious.

But tonight it's not that hard. Santana is the only person sitting at the bar.

So Brittany makes her way back to the counter only to prepare another drink for Santana. It's cool. She's cool. She puts the drink in front of the brunette after a minute.

"Uhm, are you trying to get me drunk?" Santana wants to know with a grin. "I dint' order this."

Brittany scratches her forehead when throwing a glance at the table she came back from. The woman who paid Brittany tries to suppress a giggle but her friends are all watching and giggling, too. Brittany wants to close her eyes. Or disappear.

"Huh? Oh that… that's actually from the uh… the lady over there. Right behind you. The one with the short hair. The one with the shortest of hair to be precise."

Brittany can tell that Santana almost bursts into laughter but manages to stay quiet.

"Are you serious?" She almost whispers. Brittany nods. "Can I look? She staring?"

Brittany shrugs.

"She's definitely watching but I guess she'd be happy to see some reaction."

Brittany can't help the slight undertone. She tried but she can't help it.

Santana presses her lips together before she turns around on her chair. When she makes out the woman who paid for her drink, Santana raises her glass to thank her.

Brittany can't see it but she probably gives her the best smile she has to offer.

When Santana turns back around, she can't hold back the laughter anymore.

"Oh my God, this has never happened before, I think" She says when she takes a sip. She hasn't even finished her first one but whatever.

What is it even about this dumb drink? It's a cross between lemonade and beer. It's stupid! Maybe she should think about taking it off the menu. It's not even on it. Because nobody else drinks it. Since it's gross.

"Huh" Is all she has to say. Because what else is there to say.

Santana can do and drink whatever she wants. Things between them are back to normal after that short encounter at her place couple days ago. They haven't talked about it.

There's nothing really to talk about. Whatever it was that evening, it didn't count. Because Santana said nothing which is fine. But Brittany has no idea what Santana's feeling. Or if she's feeling anything at all when it comes to Brittany.

She probably does otherwise she wouldn't have showed up at Isabel's anniversary.

"Britt? I asked if I could get another ice cube. Please. I'm so hot."

Brittany clears her throat. Absentminded she grabs a handful of ice cubes, puts them in a fresh glass and hands them to Santana. She neatly ignores the way Santana sighs as soon as she presses the glass against her cheek.

"She's coming over" Brittany mumbles.

"Who?" Santana asks innocently. Brittany rolls her eyes. Really?

Before she can say anything else, the short haired girl comes to a halt at the bar, next to Santana.

She's tomboyish and pretty and cool with the bottle of beer in her hand. Tattoos grace her slender arm that is placed on the counter.

"Hey" She starts the conversation. Brittany throws a glimpse at Santana who eventually looks back at the person standing next to her.

"Hi" She replies friendly and points at the drink in her hand. "Thanks again." She says. It's normal. It's what you say when somebody invites you.

"I hope I got you the right drink?" The woman wants to know.

Brittany clears her throat. She doesn't know why she does it. It's like her body goes on autopilot. Just like when she turns away from the two to make her way somewhere else. She doesn't know where she's heading to because no one called her. She just doesn't want to be there. Yet she does because she wants to know what they're talking about. So when she's cleaning an empty table a few feet away from the bar, she checks to see what they're doing.

Talking. Is what they're doing.

But Santana is talking the way she talks when she's flirting. Please. Brittany has seen it countless times. The woman seems to appreciate. She makes a joke or something which causes Santana to laugh.

Barf.

Once the table is very clean, Brittany has to get back to the counter because someone just ordered another drink.

When she's there and starts filling water into an empty glass, her eyes magnetically get drawn to Santana's. Swift pupils dart at her.

Brittany somewhat follows their conversation. It's nothing special. The woman explains how she's staying here for the weekend with her friends or something and Santana simply answers the questions. She's doing nothing wrong. Brittany still doesn't like it.

Only when the woman wants to know if Santana would like to join them to a club later on, Brittany spills the drink in her hand. She curses in a muffled tone. Santana still looks up at her with raised eyebrows.

"Thanks for asking but I'm not interested. I have a girlfriend." Santana answers very politely. The woman accepts the answer, bowing her head slightly.

But she doesn't leave. She turns to Brittany instead. She orders another beer then grins.

"How about you? We're all heading to the club around the corner later on. It's girls night…" Brittany blinks several times wordlessly.

First of all; that was rude. Second; what's up with her gaydar?

"No thanks, I'm working, sorry" Brittany eventually manages to say. She can't believe the woman is still standing there. Santana and Brittany exchange a glance.

"That's too bad" The woman counters. "But if you still want to join us after your shift then… let me know. I could give you my number. Or you just stop by."

Brittany frowns when the woman looks for something in the pocket of her jeans. Santana also watches how she pulls a small piece of paper from the pocket, handing it out to Brittany over the counter.

It's so old fashioned, it causes Brittany to grin. She reaches her hand out. The woman's eyes widen.

"Uhm… babe?"

Santana's irritated voice sounds in her ear. But Brittany isn't reaching for the piece of paper. She grabs the woman's empty bottle.

"I'll think about it." She adds with a wink of the eye.

The woman still stares at her, then at Santana. And back at Brittany.

"Babe?" She asks dopey.

That's when Brittany realizes, too what Santana just said.

"Oh my God – so sorry! _She's_ your girlfriend?"

The words are leaving Santana's mouth before Brittany can say or do anything. Or breathe even.

"My wife- I mean ex… ex-wife." Santana hastily says. But it's a hopeless case already.

The woman gapes at Santana baffled.

"Right… I'm out of here" She mumbles before finally turning around and leaving them.

Brittany watches how the woman walks back to the table where her friends are waiting. Then she looks back at Santana.

"So now I'm you're babe again?" She wants to know, narrowing her eyes at the brunette who nervously starts fumbling on the napkin under her glass.

"Come on, were you seriously going to stop by the club later?" Santana challenges and stares at Brittany incredulously.

"You called me babe" Two can play this game.

"What? No."

"You _just_ called me-"

"No, I didn't!"

"Oh my God!" Brittany huffs. She can't believe her.

"It fucking slipped! Don't let it get to your head." Santana exclaims. The red shade on her cheeks has definitely deepened. Brittany shakes her head in disbelief and turns her back on Santana to give her a minute. Or herself.

But it only lasts about ten seconds before she turns back.

"Why would you even care if I went to a club with someone else? _You're_ the one in a relationship."

Santana gives her a mean look. It's not flirty, it's not cute or funny. It's mean.

"Speaking of… I have to leave now." She mumbles when she grabs the wallet from her purse to get some money out.

"Oh she's coming over?" Brittany is surprised at her own funny voice.

"Brittany, you're totally out of line." Santana mumbles when she puts some money on the counter. Brittany takes it as soon as Santana pulls her hand away. Still their fingers graze each other.

"Me? Really?" She can't let it be. Why would she? Santana isn't behaving any better.

Santana doesn't answer. She takes the blazer from the chair next to her but doesn't bother putting it on. It's still so goddamn hot in there. Brittany can see a thin layer of sweat on the brunette's neck.

"Bye"

That's all Santana says. She takes her wallet and purse before walking off.

Brittany crosses her arms in front of her chest, her eyes following Santana until she's at the exit. She shakes her head. Why does this woman have such power over her? What is it?

Before she knows it, Brittany hurries from behind the counter towards the opened door.

"Wait!" She yells.

Santana has already brought some distance between herself and the building when she stops walking. She looks up into the dark sky before turning around.

She lifts her arms up. She looks as clueless as Brittany feels.

"I'm sorry" Brittany breathes when she reaches Santana.

Santana chuckles. Except it's desperate.

"What for? You were right. I'm not supposed to care if you go out or if someone is hitting on you." She shrugs. Like she can't believe what she's saying.

They stand in silence for a moment.

"Santana, I… I wasn't-"

Santana shakes her head. It causes Brittany to fall silent.

She lost count at how many times she watches that woman walk off. Every single time it stings.

Every. single. time.

* * *

 _ **I appreciate all your feedback - let me know.**_

 ** _bobbieyoung_**


	19. Chapter 19

**"Yeah!" by Usher**

 **"Un-Break My Heart" by Toni Braxton**

 **"Lose My Breath" by Destiny's Child**

* * *

It's Saturday night, she's got the weekend off. Time to be with friends. So they all gathered together earlier and went for dinner before heading into the nightlife. Rachel, Santana, herself and Tina who is in town for a visit after she kept suffering from mad homesickness.

It's been nothing but fun and relaxing. Even she and Santana are able to act normal around each other.

It's what they do. They tease each other, act normal and then start all over again.

Brittany can't explain to herself why she likes this state of the friendship she has with Santana. It's maybe the fact that it reminds her of when they were younger and still trying to find out what those butterflies meant whenever they spent time together.

She remembers situations at college. How they would go to parties on weekdays and dance with each other all night, not paying attention to the rest, just like tonight.

It's a mystery to her how in all those years they have never stopped finding each other interesting and well… attractive. Maybe it's exactly because they've had those obstacles put in their way. They keep challenging each other and she never wants to lose that.

If one day she realizes that Santana is no longer challenged by her, then she'll let her go. Because she wants Santana to feel good and live a life full of adventures and happiness. If Brittany can no longer give her that one day… then she'll step aside. Not a day earlier. Because in moments like these she knows more than anything they are meant to be in each other's lives. It still feels the same with her.

Santana is radiating. A mix between confidence and secrets. To Brittany it has always been a combination she can't resist and at the same time she admires Santana for it. Brittany still wonders to this day how she could score so damn high with that woman. (The fact that they got married and then divorced isn't important at the moment).

Santana's got one hand placed on Brittany's shoulder, a drink in the other. She looks like a goddess with that red top inside her high waisted shorts and those white sneakers.

It's new.

To see Santana like this. But very fitting for the millennial party theme. She's shorter in those shoes. Brittany can't complain. In fact she loves it. This outfit, the atmosphere, the tension. The forbidden. They're playing with fire and they know it. But she just can't say no to Santana as long as she wants for Brittany to give her a little bit more of that thing they can't quite put a finger on at times.

She can feel the beat of the song vibrate around her and although she has only had one drink so far, she feels that warm sensation in her chest and her stomach and somewhere deeper. Her own hand is on Santana's lower back to hold her close. Because they simply _have_ to stand close ok, so they can hear each other.

Santana yells something into her ear but Brittany isn't sure she heard her right. So she leans her head towards the brunette.

"I said one more drink and we get to see Rachel dancing on the counter! She's on fire!" Santana laughs when she points to the dance floor. There is Rachel wearing a Britney Spears outfit and dancing with Tina.

Brittany is glad the four of them decided to go out together. Originally Rachel had asked a few more people to join them but as soon as she announced the party theme, everyone else except for the four of them backed out.

Brittany doesn't know if Michaela was supposed to come or not or if she has to work on the weekend or something but frankly, she's just glad she's not here. It doesn't solve the problem but just for one night Brittany doesn't want to think about it. Or for the fourth or fifth night…

She still wonders how serious it is between Santana and Michaela but she has learned from past mistakes to not bring up that name when the two of them are alone together. Like right now. Tina and Rachel are having the time of their lives on the dance floor while Brittany and Santana excused themselves to get a drink a while ago. They are now standing at the bar, trying to have a conversation when really it's not working. The music is loud and whenever they say something to each other, eye contact or brief touches are the natural follow-ups and fireworks between them the aftermath.

Maybe they should just sleep with each other, Brittany thinks for a moment. But then she knows that it wouldn't change anything. They would still chase after each other like in the past decade. And she doesn't want Santana to cheat on someone.

She closes her eyes for a second because she realizes what they are doing at the moment has already crossed borders. Again.

"Do you want another one?" Santana yells when she notices Brittany's empty bottle. She bites her lip, pondering. But Santana takes the decision from her anyway. She waves at the bartender who drops everything else once he spots her. She listens to how Santana orders two more of what they just had and watches her fumbling on the back pocket of her jeans to get some money out.

Santana still likes to go out clubbing the way she did in the early days. No purse, no phone, no wallet. Just some bills and ID in her pocket and a presence that will get the attention of the bartender within seconds.

Brittany swaps Santana's hand away. The brunette throws a surprised look over her shoulder only to see how Brittany is already handing the bartender the money.

"You paid for the first ones", is Brittany's explanation. Santana only reluctantly gives in but then they both agree that there's no point in fighting over silly things like who gets to pay for the drink every single time.

They _are_ good at being friends.

They dance for five songs straight after that. Together with Rachel and Tina they laugh at silly dance moves and nearly cry when Toni Braxton's Un-break My Heart starts playing. A moment later Rachel and Santana's theatrical impressions of the tragic song makes her laugh until she's coughing.

 _Then_ she finds herself just watching. Santana would fill stadiums if she was a performer or something like that, of that she's sure.

It's a slow dance song.

Rachel's attention gets carried away from Santana when Tina snaps away her invisible microphone to steal the show from her. That's when Santana catches Brittany staring and makes a funny hand move, almost a bit embarrassed.

She steps closer to Brittany, still somewhat caught in her Toni role when she takes Brittany's hand into hers. It's a wordless request for a dance. Brittany's heart was still beating fast from the laughing fit before but now it hammers. When Santana guides Brittany's arms around her. When her own wander up to Brittany's neck and a hand finds rest on her collarbone.

Santana always finds a way to make her insides tingle with a touch, a word or a glimpse. It's not fair though. She makes Brittany want to pull her so close that nothing can come between them. She makes her want to kiss her so badly.

It's been way too long.

But she can't. She even considers stopping their little dance to ask Santana who the heck she thinks she is. But that would cause a scene. She just wants to hold her in her arms without having to feel guilty and make out until the sun comes up. Why does she worry about Michaela? She doesn't even like her. She's got the girl of her dreams.

But does she really when she's not even here tonight?

Brittany finds it hard to breathe when Santana breaks eye contact to let her eyes sink down to Brittany's mouth, wets her lips with her tongue and leaves them slightly opened.

Brittany carefully lets her hands wander around on the small of Santana's back. The fabric of her top is slightly damp. She can see Santana's chest moving up and down. She can smell her scent and feel her warm fingers on her skin which only spurs Brittany's craving.

"I'm mad at you" Brittany mumbles when she can no longer pretend like this is some normal behavior. If Santana had danced with someone else this way while they were still together – she would have thrown a tantrum. "You act like this is nothing but it's not."

Santana looks up at her. She's not questioning Brittany's words.

"I know" She whispers. She holds Brittany's glance and repeats. "I know."

Brittany isn't any wiser. What useless information was that?

Then the song is over and so is their moment of truth.

Lose My Breath kicks in without a warning which is like a shock to Brittany's system. Santana was just in her arms, now she's getting pulled away by Tina and Rachel who take her into a Destiny's Child twerking sandwich. She would laugh at the view if she was still in the mood. But honestly she's upset.

She's freaking annoyed at Santana.

Who was she kidding? Being friends sucks! It sucked before and it will never do anything other than suck in the future!

But there's no time to let her anger show when a group of younger girls bump into her. They giggle when one of them halfheartedly apologizes. Brittany doesn't even bother but her friends do. Rachel gives them an annoyed look while Santana mumbles something about how they're way too young to even be at a party like this.

"No really!" She says when the group of girls starts dancing next to them. "This is a millennial party! They were still wearing diapers when we danced around in front of our mirrors with a brush as a microphone in our hands. How did they even get in here? What is she? Twelve?"

Rachel nods vehemently.

"I know, right? They have no idea who Destiny's Child really were! Brittany…" Rachel grabs Brittany's wrist. "They don't even know what it was like – we had to watch _television_ to see a music video we liked!" Brittany nods with a chuckle at her tipsiness.

"Yes, I rememb-"

"By chance! And then wait another three hours until they would maybe play it again! Hey, 'scuse me!" Rachel taps one of the girls' shoulder. "Do you know what band sings this song?"

The girl rolls her eyes in annoyance.

"Duh… The Spice Girls" She says and then turns back to her friends.

Rachel's and Santana's mouths hang open.

"I mean, I'm… offended. I'm offended!" Rachel yells and wants to approach the girl again but Brittany and Santana both grab Rachel to stop her from doing so.

"Rachel we're all millennials here…" Tina says with a smirk. "They're just a little younger than us but I'm pretty sure everyone in this room has at least once sung along whenever a Justin Timberlake song comes on the radio. He unites us all!"

"Whatever Tina!" Rachel says with a pout.

Brittany puts an arm around her friend, who gets very emotional and protective when it comes to music and artists that had an impact on her.

"Can we get you a drink to cheer you up?" Santana asks when another rather slow song starts playing and allows them a break.

They make their way over to the bar and find some empty chairs to hop on. Brittany leaves the last one to Santana.

She's still mad at her. But she can have the chair.

Santana gives her a pointed look but Brittany prefers to show her the cold shoulder. Enough with the games for tonight.

She's good at it, apparently, because Santana keeps glimpsing at Brittany from the side. She can tell from the corner of her eye.

The break feels good though. They name all the bands and television series they loved when they were younger, they laugh at Rachel's tipsiness and before they know it, it's getting really late. Tina eventually manages to convince Rachel it's time to head home and get some sleep.

Once they're all standing outside the club to say goodbye to each other, Rachel points at Brittany and Santana with a drunk grin on her face.

"You two… don't make any stupid decisions." Brittany watches how Santana chooses not to react to that and hugs the two of them before they leave them alone.

"You don't think we've already made some bad decisions then?" Brittany wants to know when they start walking into the same direction.

Santana rubs her upper arms, as the night has brought some cooling down. Brittany could give her the flannel she's wearing around her waist. But she's still not up for making things so easy for Santana. She's lost control quite a bit too much for her liking.

Santana looks down at her feet.

"Such as?" She asks timidly. Brittany knows too well how much Santana dislikes it when Brittany is mad at her.

"Uhm… how about you and I dancing so close? Touching? What would your girlfriend say about that, huh?"

Santana shrugs.

"I don't know." She replies without looking at Brittany.

Brittany can feel another hint of anger starting to boil up inside her. She's had it with those short meaningless answers.

"This is not like you" Brittany states. "I mean… you risking what you have because of some silly flirting. Maybe you and I have something different that nobody would understand but it's still not like you!"

"Brittany-"

"Don't get me wrong… I'm not blaming you for giving me the attention I obviously want but I just don't get it. Do you not feel bad at all?"

"Brittany will you stop and listen to me for a second?" Santana's voice sounds from behind her which surprises Brittany. She didn't notice Santana stopped walking. When she turns around, she finds Santana standing there. She looks so small all of a sudden and a little lost. She's got nothing in her hands and yet it seems like she's holding everything out for Brittany to take.

"We're not together anymore." Brittany doesn't know who she's talking about at this point. She honestly can't tell. So Santana releases her. "I ended things with Michaela two days ago. What we had was nice at first but it wasn't going to work out."

Brittany can't quite follow Santana's words although she hears them crystal clear.

"Huh?…" She mumbles weakly.

"I told her that we don't have a future together and that it's best to stop things before I'd hurt her even more by letting it become more serious."

Brittany watches how Santana shrugs gently. Eventually Brittany overcomes the complete inability to form a proper sentence.

"And you wait _all_ _night_ to tell me this?" She's not gonna lie – she could slap Santana. Slap that tiny grin that comes out of nowhere off her face. "Why would you do that? Don't you dare laugh now- do you have any idea how bad I felt?"

Brittany huffs. She watches the brunette walking towards her.

"What's the fun then?" Santana challenges her with a low voice. Her eyes locking with Brittany's as she gets closer.

Brittany's had it. She's so done with those games. She's done with playing cool, done with pushing feelings down. She'll stop Santana right then and there, showing her once and for all that she will always be a step ahead.

She grabs Santana's wrist to drag her close forcefully. Screw Santana's attempt at trying to seduce her for a gentle and long overdue kiss to settle things the way she wants it.

Her plan works out. The brunette squeals in surprise when she falls into Brittany.

"Shut up" Brittany hastily says before grabbing Santana's neck and bringing their mouths together for a desperate kiss. Burning lips welcome hers after months of sobriety. Although taken aback from the initial shock, Santana quickly regains her composure. Brittany can tell by the way she pushes against her to deepen the kiss. They have done this millions of times but it feels like the first kiss all over again. Santana wraps her arms around Brittany's body, gropes her waist and her butt while her lips hungrily search for revenge. Revenge for that unexpected move that ruined her little plan and for release of that undying want that keeps burning between them.

Finally they are kissing again and it's so much better than what Brittany had imagined it to be. Santana tastes like passion and arousal, peppermint and forgiveness.

She's the medicine to her broken heart that never really healed up until now. A sigh escapes Santana's lips when they break apart for two seconds to breathe. But she's also the one to search for more immediately.

"I need you so badly" She husks against Brittany's lips before attacking them once more. Bold hands keep feeling her up but the moment Brittany can't hold back a moan any longer is when a hot tongue enters her mouth without even waiting for permission.

They both battle for dominance, selfishly trying to steal their own hunger first. But Brittany will only confess to herself that Santana has already won as soon as she heard that sigh coming from the brunette's mouth. It's what drives her crazy with need to hear more of those noises.

It takes a lot of her willpower to pull away. In fact she has to push Santana off to make clear what she needs to happen next.

"No more teasing, Santana" She says with a hoarse voice. This always happens when she can hardly pull it together. Her voice gives in.

The brunette obeys almost immediately which gives Brittany another push.

"Take me home" Santana hastily says. Her voice is filled with desire just as much. Brittany cups Santana's cheeks before kissing her lips again. This time way gentler.

"You might have to lead the way though as I have never been to your place."

This causes Santana to open her eyes. Confusion is written over her face.

"Oh my God, you're right" She whispers. She laughs gently when she puts a strand of hair behind Brittany's ear. Then she swallows. "Follow my lead then"

Brittany narrows her eyes. This gaining and then losing the upper hand thing is exciting and so much like them.

Before she can even think proper about what comes next, Santana has already taken Brittany's hand into hers and pulls her forward. The only direction she wants to go from now on.


	20. Chapter 20

" **Flame" by Tinashe**

* * *

When she's lying on her back with Santana fast asleep in her arms and replaying the past couple hours in her head, she doesn't remember every detail. Who was the one to finally manage to open the door once they arrived at Santana's place? Was it Santana who dropped the key twice and Brittany who snatched it from her because she was that impatient or the other way round? She also doesn't remember who started undressing the other first. Everything was so desperate and heated.

They took a cab back to Santana's place after their reunion outside on the street. They continued making out in the backseat of the cab as well as in the stairway of the apartment building once they finally got there.

Santana guided Brittany upstairs, pressed her against a door that was apparently the one to her apartment, kissed her deeply once more before they stumbled inside. Santana gave Brittany an extremely short tour of the apartment. So far just the entrance and the bedroom to be precise. But Brittany couldn't care less.

All she wanted was to feel Santana close to her again, her skin, her lips, her body naked. She wanted the brunette like never before. It was nothing but a magical night and it still is.

They are now lying in Santana's bed with just a thin sheet covering their bodies. The window is open and a cool breeze of air tickling their skins.

Santana's steady breathing calms Brittany the same way it used to do when they were younger and staying over at each other's places. She's curled up at her side with one arm across Brittany's stomach, her warmth spreading. It's almost a bit too hot for Brittany but she's not going to give up that feeling of coming home by moving her body a few inches away. She'll rather start sweating.

Since she has already sweated quite a bit tonight.

First at the club because of dancing and then once they had gotten rid of all their clothes at home.

Brittany chuckles. Santana still likes to top Brittany, get her all hot and bothered until Brittany can no longer take it. She still likes to kiss her everywhere, stripping out of her own clothes in between until she's only wearing her underwear. She knows how it drives Brittany wild to see her that way.

Tonight she teased Brittany for so long. At the club and in bed later. She played an unfair game until Brittany paid her back for everything. Brittany used a moment of inattention when Santana pulled Brittany's shirt over her head and tossed it away, leaving them both naked eventually. She grabbed Santana around her waist to turn them around until she was lying on top of the brunette and settled between her thighs.

They locked eyes for long seconds in which they exchanged many unspoken things. It wasn't necessary to speak. Brittany could tell by the way Santana wrapped her arms around Brittany's upper body to drag her in that she needed her close and gentle first.

But the soft kisses and careful touches soon turned into battles between their tongues and Santana desperately guiding Brittany's hand between her legs and fingers inside her.

Brittany's heart flutters when she replays those glorious scenes in her head. The way Santana gasped when she let Brittany fully take control by moving her fingers fast and deep, pushing in and out of her while kissing her passionately. The years of intimacy before and the break in between only made everything better. Not that their sex was ever bad. But they have both matured even more with every phase apart from each other.

It gave Brittany the courage to whisper into Santana's ear after a while of pleasing her that way to turn around and kneel before her so she could let her hands wander over Santana's lower back. She took her time to admire the sight in front of her. She leaned down to kiss the skin between Santana's shoulder blades and down her spine while one of her hands cupped her breasts carefully. She eventually put her hands on Santana's hips to pull her against herself, their warm bodies pressing against each other.

They had of course experimented before when they were together and tried different positions or toys. They would surprise each other for birthdays or Valentine's Day by dressing up or giving each other a lap dance. But then it was always rather for the fun factor. Tonight was making love on a different level. It was pure and raw and sweet and passionate at the same time. There was a bit of everything.

Once she had worked Santana up to a point of no return, the brunette begged her to open the bottom drawer of her nightstand. Brittany wasn't going to lie that she was surprised to find a strap on still in its original boxing unopened. With a raspy voice Santana admitted to have bought it the day after she showed up at Brittany's place with dinner a couple weeks ago. That night she knew they were going to get there again so she wanted to be prepared.

Impressed by Santana's boldness and endlessly turned on by the thought of pleasing her that way, Brittany didn't need to be asked twice. She quickly put the toy on but couldn't stop herself from teasing Santana just a little bit more by kneeling once again behind her, not yet giving her what she needed.

She kept kissing Santana's shoulders and back, carefully stroking the insides of her thighs with her fingertips and her most sensitives part with her thumb. But when Santana threw a quick glance over her shoulder with a hungry lip bite asking Brittany to go for more, Brittany showed mercy by slowly entering Santana from behind.

From that moment on she was in heaven. Her hands found place on Santana's hips once again, her fingernails digging into tanned skin. She started of slow, of course, to give Santana the time she needed. It was hard to contain herself though. The sight in front of her, the noises she heard almost drove her insane. With every careful push against Santana, Brittany could feel herself getting more and more worked up until she couldn't go on with the slow rhythm anymore.

She started pushing faster, causing the brunette to sigh and then moan. She doesn't know for how long they did it that way. But at one point Santana had to stop her, letting Brittany know that she didn't want it to be over too soon. So Brittany let herself get pushed on her back against the mattress only to watch Santana climb over her with desire in her eyes. She sank down on Brittany and the toy, closing her eyes at the sensation of connecting. Brittany felt a warm hand grabbing her own, intertwining their fingers tightly. With the other hand she caressed Santana's lower belly until her thumb found place where Santana needed her to go on with those heavenly sounds of pleasure.

Her hips moved against Brittany's like a dance. Her hair open and wild fell over her shoulders when she leaned down to Brittany's face to kiss her. They fell into a heated and long kiss, forgetting time and presence, only feeling the mere moments of completeness and joy by moving against each other.

When Santana's fingers started squeezing Brittany's harder and her kisses turned sloppy and unfocussed because of the sensations she must have been feeling, Brittany guided Santana's hips a few inches up so she could push into her from below.

She did the right thing because Santana stopped kissing completely to let her pleasure sound through parted lips. She was clearly about to come any moment so Brittany intensified the pace and deepness of her pushes.

It took just a few seconds until Santana's started shaking uncontrollably on top of her, her orgasm overwhelming her. She dug her fingers of her free hand into Brittany's shoulder and collapsed when she could no longer hold herself up but was caught by Brittany's arms wrapping around her upper body.

Trembles controlled her body for quite a few seconds until she was able to support herself on her elbow. Brittany watched Santana's relaxed facial expressions tense once more when she carefully moved her hips against Santana. Her eyebrows knitted together at the realization that Brittany wasn't ready yet to let her rest.

She gasped in surprise when Brittany managed to turn them around in a swift move, only to pick up the rhythm from earlier.

Brittany grabbed Santana's hand to press it into the pillow above her head, holding it tightly in hers when she kept pushing into her at an intense pace.

It didn't take long for Santana to topple over the edge for the second time. She moaned into Brittany's ear when her legs squeezed her sides to still her movements, this time for good.

Brittany was caught by surprise when a completely exhausted Santana whispered 'I love you' against her cheek and into the darkness of the room.

She had been longing to say the same words to Santana for quite a long time and didn't waste any time doing so now that she got to hear them first.

Even now hours later, she still can't quite believe everything that happened tonight. It's the best one she's had in years. She's got the woman of her dreams safely in her arms. If the world was to end tonight, she'd be ok.

But it doesn't. It keeps on spinning.

After all their story isn't over, yet. She has a feeling it never will.

* * *

 **One more chapter until it's done. Leave a comment if you have time!**

 **bobbieyoung**


	21. epilogue

" **Next To Me" by Imagine Dragons**

* * *

 **Epilogue**

The sand between her toes is warm as well as the hand holding hers. She's nervous. Excited, happy, thrilled, jumpy but mostly nervous. After all this time, waiting to meet Santana still gives her butterflies to her stomach.

She'll never get used to the racing heart in her chest.

So she'll take the few minutes left to think back before the big moment.

Years of nothing but happiness… They can look back on wonderful years together and look forward to hopefully many many more.

Yes, they've had their up and downs as well as sad and heartbreaking moments. But they got back together that night and never separated again. Brittany thinks back to the moment when Santana asked her to move in with her after a few months. So Brittany packed all her things and did.

It was a small apartment but they both loved it. It was old and charming. Just the right thing they needed at that time to reconcile. They enjoyed every single day of the two years living there. Except maybe the days where their neighbor would listen to extremely loud techno music until early morning hours. Or those days where the freight trains would pass and make it hard for them to understand a word in their conversation as they lived next to a train station. Or the days where their other neighbor would steal their laundry. Or the days where it would smell of intensive spicy cooking from the restaurant underneath them.

To be frank it wasn't the nicest place they've shared but somehow those inconveniences only made them grow closer… their bond has always been strong although sometimes it didn't look like they were going to make it. They've had their fair share of breakups and reunions. But in the end they made it and they still do.

Thinking back… all those special memories make her insides tingle and she will cherish them forever.

* * *

" _You seriously don't think it was inappropriate to dance with her like that?" Santana wanted to know with that utterly testy voice. Brittany grinned at the inside. Triumphantly she prepared herself for the look on the brunette's face when she'd eventually turn around to give Santana an answer. But she was going to revel in it just a little bit longer as it felt too good; the knowledge of Santana being jealous._

 _They weren't a couple after all. All they did was sleeping with each other in Santana's dorm room after nights out at the clubs. As long as they weren't making it official – Brittany didn't see the necessity of stop flirting with other people._

 _After all it was Santana to say that they should take things slow. Brittany had proposed it. Dating. As in exclusively. But Santana didn't want to._

 _Ok maybe that's not exactly what Santana said. She just said that they should see where things go and take it from there. So that's basically a "no" if you think about it because that phrase says absolutely nothing in Brittany's opinion. Or did it?_

 _So she got confused about what it was that Santana wanted. But that only spurred Brittany on to make Santana jealous from time to time. AFTER ALL she didn't even show up when Brittany suggested they could go have dinner tonight before going out dancing. She only received a text that said it would take Santana a bit longer at the library and that Brittany and Rachel should order some food for her. Ok, so it wasn't a date when Rachel was there, too but STILL. Santana didn't even make it for dinner anymore and only showed up when they were already standing in line outside of the club._

 _The fact that Santana looked sooo good only made it harder for Brittany to pretend she was mad at Santana. But she was._

" _Britt?"_

 _Santana's voice drew Brittany back from her thoughts about the evening and about everything before. She turned around to finally look into Santana's eyes. Suddenly she didn't feel like a winner anymore. Because the way the brunette gazed at her – it gave her an immediate bad conscious. There was so much pleading in her friend's eyes._

 _Yes, they were friends. Or were they just making fools of themselves? Friends didn't look at each other that way. No way they would… Friends didn't walk so slow when approaching one another only to make the tension unbearable. Friends didn't have trembling fingers when taking each other by the hand._

 _But Brittany's fingers did tremble when Santana stepped close and reached her hand out. And so did Santana's when they eventually touched._

" _Were you really interested in her?" Santana's voice was only a whisper by then. Almost as if she was scared to hear Brittany confirm it._

 _Brittany closed her eyes for a short moment. Of course she wasn't interested in that girl at the club. But when Santana kept dancing with other people, Brittany couldn't help but feel jealous and so she wanted to make her understand and started dancing with a girl, too that had laid an eye on Brittany. Maybe it got a little out of hand... The girl grabbed Brittany's butt at one point and she didn't stop her when she saw Santana watching in the corner of her eye._

 _But now she wished she would have stopped her. Because the way Santana's cheeks reddened, and her chin trembled ever so slightly…_

" _No" Brittany said when she intertwined her fingers with Santana's between their bodies._

 _Luckily Santana's roommate Jen traveled home for the weekend, so they had the room all to themselves. Because what they were going to do next definitely required some privacy._

" _I wanted to dance with you that way", Brittany managed to mumble between their lips as their mouths got dangerously close._

" _Then why didn't you?" Santana wanted to know._

 _Brittany wondered._

" _Well… it's not like you were being completely innocent yourself" She answered._

 _Santana bit her lip, a tiny smirk forming on it._

" _Busted" She whispered._

 _Then Brittany couldn't wait any longer. She let go of Santana's hands only to reach up and cup her hot cheeks. She pulled her face even closer so that they could finally kiss again. One week without kissing and she was going through withdrawal._

 _Their tongues found each other in no time and soft whimpers soon turned into heated and desperate ones._

 _Brittany still didn't understand sometimes… the way Santana made her feel. But as long as it felt this good, she wasn't going to complain._

* * *

Brittany grins at the memory of that night. Although it happened years ago, she can remember many details.

A few months later Santana showed up at Brittany's doorstep on her birthday with a rose in her hand and they confessed their feelings which lead into the beginning of their relationship.

Now they have been together for almost a decade. It's crazy how times flies when you're either wasting it or enjoying it to the fullest. She's lucky she got the second option.

Sometimes things just play out just the way you need them to. Sometimes they simply do. It allows her to do things she never dared to dream of when she was going through the worst time of her life after losing her sister and separating from Santana.

For example taking their daughter on walks on a free afternoon. Or helping out Rachel on her off broadway production from time to time.

Up to this day she never quit her job at the bar though. She just doesn't work night shifts anymore. She doesn't even have to be at the bar at specific times. She can show up whenever she wants to. She owns it now. Things _did_ play out for her.

A few days ago she worked at the bar because Zoey was staying with grandma and grandpa Pierce for the afternoon. And when the three of them came to the bar around dinner, together with Santana who got off work an hour earlier, Brittany thanked her lucky stars.

She leaned over the counter to kiss Santana and Zoey before leaving them once more to serve a guest. Later on they all sat together at one of the bigger tables, ate some snacks and excitedly talked about the upcoming events of today.

Brittany looks down on her left. Dark eyes are gazing back up at her. A big smile forms on her daughter's face.

"Are you scared momma?" Zoey wants to know. Brittany can't help but laugh.

"Scared? No I'm not scared. I'm nervous but in a good way. And very very happy. How about you?"

Zoey shrugs before she whispers "me, too".

When Brittany throws a quick glance at her watch, she gets another rush of excitement to her stomach.

"Come on", she breathes and holds Zoey's hand tighter. "It's almost time."

Brittany bites her lip when Zoey excitedly jumps up and down. Then they start walking towards the pier where the love of her life is hopefully already waiting for them.

* * *

When Zoey spots her godmother, she lets go of Brittany's hand. With hasty steps she runs the distance and falls into Quinn's arms who picks her up to give her cuddles. Those two… they don't get to see each other so often because Quinn still lives in California. But when they do, they're inseparable. So coming all the way here for this day, was the best decision.

Only then Zoey seems to notice that her other mom is standing right next to Quinn. Santana leans forward to kiss Zoey's head. Maybe it's a good thing Zoey ran for Quinn first. This way Quinn got all the sand on her dress instead of Santana.

Brittany's only got eyes for her. The way she's standing there in that white dress, barefoot just like Zoey, Quinn, herself and even the priest.

Brittany greets the young priest. He gives her a warm smile before letting Brittany fully focus on the woman now standing in front of her.

Santana's face is flawless. Her warm eyes filled with happiness and the slightly trembling bottom lip gives away her nervousness. It calms Brittany. She didn't want to be the only one who still gets nervous.

"Hi" Santana whispers and exhales a shaky breath. Brittany does the same before taking Santana's hands into her own.

"Dear Zoey, dear Quinn" the priest begins with a calm and friendly voice. "Thank you for coming here on this special day. Because today we gather to unite Brittany and Santana in marriage." With a wink that doesn't go unnoticed he smiles at them. "Their beautiful love story hasn't always been easy. May I frankly say, it's one of the most turbulent ones I've heard. But what fascinated me from the beginning of listening to their story, was the deep admiration they share for one another that never went away. As I can see, up to this day."

Brittany swallows when she watches how Santana nods, her eyes never leaving Brittany's. They listen to the beautiful words the priest knows to say, wipe away more than one tear and chuckle every now and then at some funny remarks.

When it's Zoey's part to hand them their rings, Quinn helps her to pull them from the tiny purse she's wearing.

"May these rings be a symbol of your love and union." The priest goes on. "May it remind you of this special moment and the strength that lies within your bond whenever you look at it."

When it's time to put the ring on Santana's finger for the second time in her life, Brittany gets overwhelmed with feelings. Because this time it feels perfect. Especially when their daughter is standing next to them, looking up and nearly bursting with happiness at witnessing her mommas getting married.

"You may now kiss one another." The priest's final words make Brittany realize that it's official now and she's more than happy to seal it with a kiss. She's got the girl of her dreams. It's always been Santana. And if going through all the difficult times means that they grow even stronger and their love still deeper – she'd do it over and over again.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading this story!**

 **bobbieyoung**


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